


Some Things Need to be Said

by nafio



Category: Backstreet Boys
Genre: F/M, Sequel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2001-04-06
Updated: 2001-04-05
Packaged: 2017-10-07 22:34:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 36
Words: 45,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/69938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nafio/pseuds/nafio
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The accident a few months ago brought the Backstreet Boys closer together, but all's still not right with Nick's world. Will he ever find a way to say the things that need to be said?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"Thanks for lettin me crash here," Nick Carter told his friend A.J.. The two Backstreet Boys were sitting on A.J.'s back deck playing chess. It was part of Nick's physiotherapy as he recovered from the crash he and three others of the group had suffered while on tour two months ago. A.J. watched with approval as the fingers of his friend's right hand closed easily over a bishop and used it to put him into check.

"No problem," he responded, studying the board. "Although I still don't get why you needed to leave."

"Two reasons, actually." Nick stroked his right forearm absently as he spoke. "I asked Suzanne to come in and check me out and I needed a place without witnesses. And... Mandy's back from tour."

"So?" A.J. raised an eyebrow. Nick and Mandy had their ups and downs as boyfriend and girlfriend, but they were good friends as well. "I thought you missed her."

"I did. I went out to visit her a couple of times. But now she's home, she's smothering me. Some of our fans were really hard on her about not dropping everything to be with me," he rolled his eyes. "I don't know if it's that she's feeling guilty or what, but in the last couple of days she's watching what I eat, how I move, she won't let the dogs near me," he shook his head. "I choked on some beer the other night - just went down the wrong way, y'know? She was about to dial 911!"

"Shit," A.J. laughed. "No wonder you need a break."

Nick flashed the famous Carter half-grin. "I figured I'd run to the one person most likely to leave me alone."

"Freak," one flick of a finger and a captured pawn sailed towards Nick's face. He caught it easily, again using his right hand. "I'm the one most likely to torture you to death, not *abandon* you. Get it right!"

"Oh yeah," the entire chessboard raised itself to A.J.'s eye level. "I forgot." He considered ducking, but opted to get up and run instead. The rattle of plastic against wood in his ear told him it was useless - Nick was going to cream him no matter what. With a whoop he leaped off the deck into his pool.

When he surfaced, Nick was laughing and the chessboard was hovering just above the water. A solitary pawn hopped off the board to bounce impudently on A.J.'s nose. A.J. chuckled.

"I surrender already. Call it off!"

Nick whistled and the board bounded back to the table like an eager puppy. A.J. hauled himself out of the pool. "Just 'cause that's the only way you can *beat* me with a chessboard..."

"Naw..." a towel presented itself to him, "just 'cause I *can*."

"Huh?" ignoring the fact that his wifebeater and shorts were wet, A.J. wrapped the towel around himself and sat down at the table again.

Nick shrugged, searching for a way to explain it without embarrassing his friend. After a momentary struggle, he simply laid it all out. "Since I got out of the hospital, it's been like... I'm suddenly free. Everything's coming together. I don't have to hide what I am, stop any instincts, because you all know, and you'll deal with whatever I pop out with." He looked A.J. straight in the eye. "*You* deal best right now, you barely blinked when I lifted the board. You've got no idea how cool that is, how long I've wanted to be able to do that."

A.J. grinned, but shrugged it off. "You've been waiting to chase me with a chessboard? *Very* creative."

Nick shook his head, "Love you too, bro." He straightened in his chair. "Suzanne's on her way in."

"Want me to leave?"

"Only if you're uncomfortable. Hi Suzy-Q."

Suzanne Nichols M.D., psychic healer and member of Nick's team stood on A.J.'s deck. She grimaced at the nickname. "I've warned you about that name, Nickolas Gene."

"Yes mom," Nick teased. Suzanne was probably older than Jane Carter, her short brown hair showing plenty of grey. Despite this A.J. noted the ease with which the two psychics seemed to relate to each other. Her demeanour towards Nick was more professional than maternal.

"Hello Alex, you're looking well."

"Uh... thanks Suzanne. I think it's him you're supposed to be checking out." A.J. stood up, ever the gracious host. "Want something to drink?"

"A glass of water would be lovely, thank-you." When he was out of earshot, she whispered to her colleague, "I think I make him nervous."

"You're being all professional and grown-up. That's not usually allowed at this house." Nick advised her with a smile.

"Ah. So, what's up? How's the arm?"

"The arm's fine." He laid it on the table, wiggling all five fingers in demonstration. "Still gets a little tired every so often, but pretty much painless."

Suzanne ran her fingers over the now-healed scars on Nick's forearm. "Seems to be doing fine. Are you keeping these?"

"May as well, for a year or so anyway. Diverts suspicion, and I don't really care how it looks."

"But...?" she searched his face with frank hazel eyes. "You called me here for a reason."

"Yeah." Nick stared at his arm for another moment or so. "Not physical."

A.J. returned with Suzanne's water and brought a third chair over. He listened quietly.

"I thought we established that you got out of that hell a new man. Not true?"

"Oh, totally," Nick reassured her. "I'm not stuck in there, not even in nightmares anymore."

"So...?"

The young man shrugged helplessly. "I don't know. I just have this nagging feeling that something's wrong. That I'm off-balance. I can't put my finger on it."

"Have you noticed anything, Alex?"

"Me?" A.J. studied his fingernails, thinking. "Don't think so. I mean, he's been talking to all of us more, we've all learned more about Nick over the last couple of weeks than we ever knew. But I thought that was the point."

"It was... just telling you history?"

"That's mainly Aje," Nick cut in. "Kevin a little as well, but A.J.'s really interested in the psychic community."

"Yeah, but more than that. You've been sharing more, Nick. We've all gotten real good at reading your body language cause you never liked talking about your moods. Now, you'll actually open your mouth and say stuff."

"Hmmm," Suzanne regarded Nick with a curious air. "All right Carter, I'll do a scan, see if anything shows up. Relax."

If A.J. had been expecting ceremony, or some kind of special effects show, he was disappointed. Suzanne simply took Nick's left hand in both of hers, and stared into his eyes for a few minutes. When she let go, Nick shook his head a little, as if to clear it.

"Anything?"

"Nothing. Same as the scan I did on you the day you left the hospital."

"What about before the crash?"

"Only the expected differences. No echo, a stronger connection to your friends, a few less blocks in some areas."

"No echo?" Nick stared. "Why isn't there an echo??"

"Oh dear." Suzanne frowned, "We thought you'd realise earlier than this."

"Realise *what*?" Nick demanded, now definitely agitated.

"Lina left the team before you came out of hospital, Nick," she told him gently. "She's working on other projects now."


	2. Chapter 2

"Left?" Nick's voice dropped to a disbelieving whisper. "How could she leave? She's... it's her team."

"Your team now," Suzanne corrected him gently.

"I don't... she didn't even say goodbye." He stared at the table. "She's my *partner*."

"We all knew this was going to happen eventually, Nick."

"No, "we" didn't." He ran agitated fingers through his blonde hair, setting it all on end. "I'm sorry. I've gotta..." Suddenly there was empty space where he'd been sitting.

"Damn," Suzanne swore softly.

"Ok, when Nick decided to let us all in on his not-so-little secret, I figured out pretty fast that I was gonna be confused a lot. But what the fuck??"

"He's in Georgia."

"I wasn't really asking about where he went. What, in plain english, did you just tell him, and why do you have the right to get him so upset?" A.J. demanded.

"I didn't realise he would take it so hard. He hasn't mentioned Lina to any of us since before the accident. He obviously hasn't told you anything about her, either" Suzanne defended herself.

"No..." he agreed reluctantly. "But what is "it" exactly?"

"You've met Lina, haven't you?"

A.J.'s mind brought up a picture of a tall, angry woman with red hair and fiery green eyes, yelling at Kevin. "Oh yeah. Unforgettable experience."

Suzanne laughed at his tone. "That's right, you've seen her on the rampage. So you know she was one of our team. Psychics work best in teams, because most of us have a very limited amount of energy, and tend to focus our talents in one area or another. Some teams last for years, others are the result of convenience of the moment. The rescue squad that got the rest of the Backstreet Boys out of the bus wreck was a convenience team, for the most part."

"Our team isn't one of those. Members do come and go a little, but Lina and I go back to her emergence, which was very early. Nick's been with us since *his* emergence. We're all good friends," she sighed. "Some more than others."

"They're "partners?""

"That's what we call it. Psychic partnerships are fairly rare. It's a constant mental connection between two people. I suppose you could say that Brian and Nick were partners for a few hours when you were preparing to wake Nick up."

"That's pretty intense," A.J. commented, remembering how spaced out Brian had become.

Suzanne sighed again. "Yes, it is. Lina decided to end their partnership sometime after Nick woke up."

"She *what*??"

She nodded, "It surprised us a little, too. We knew it would happen eventually - Nick and Lina aren't your typical partnership."

"What happens with a "typical" partnership?" he questioned, curious.

"Marriage."

* * *

"You are having a hell of a day cuz," Kevin laughed, watching Brian's slice land in the precise centre of a sandtrap. "I don't think you've missed the sand once."

"Thanks Kev, I hadn't noticed." Brian sighed and hoisted his golf clubs into the cart. "Let's go."

"Cheer up, Frick. It's only the sixth hole," Nick advised, walking up the hill towards them.

Brian and Kevin stared at him.

"If this is one of those "cousins day out" things, I can leave" he volunteered.

"You uh, don't have any golf clubs," Kevin pointed out.

"I can caddy. B-rok obviously needs a little advice."

"I think the shock might have shaken me up just enough," was the retort. "Are you gonna do this often?"

"Nope." Nick's tone was entirely too light for either cousin's liking. They glanced at each other - trouble.

"Well, get in and drive then, caddy!" Kevin ordered.

"Yes sir!"

Nick stayed quiet for the next few holes, making a few jokes here and there, but obviously avoiding whatever subject had brought him to appear on a golf course in Georgia.

"Hey Frack," Brian voiced a thought as the two watched Kevin tee off on the ninth hole. "Can you cheat?"

"Hm?" Nick shook himself out of a reverie. "Can I what?"

"Cheat at golf."

"I *can*, but I don't."

"Well that's obvious, I know your handicap!"he joked.

"Yeah, yeah. Watch it or I'll sabotage your game!" Nick retorted.

"He's doing that all by himself," Kevin pointed out. "But, how do you hold back? No one would notice or care if you did little things, like stop a ball just before it went off the fairway into the trees."

"That's not what it's for," Nick replied softly, looking somewhere past Brian."Stuff like golf, and b-ball and all... if I just played it with teekay, I'd win all the time, but I'd never learn how to play the game. Teekay control's a skill - playing golf is a different skill. What's the use of only having one skill? Where's the challenge in beating someone because you've got something they can never have? It's no fun." He sighed, still staring into space. "She taught me that."

"She?" Brian turned back from what had actually been a pretty good tee-off. He sensed they were beginning to get to the root of whatever it was Nick needed to talk about.

Something in Nick's attitude prompted Kevin to ask gently, "Did someone die, Nicky?"

He laughed, a short, bitter bark. "Nobody died. Dying would be easy. If she died I'd at least know what to feel."

"Lucky we're on hole nine," Brian sighed. "I have a feeling we're going to have to cut the game short."

"I'm sure you're disappointed," Nick managed to joke.

"Oh, very. I think I was getting a second wind."

"Finish the hole, Brian. It'll look suspicious if you don't." he advised.

"Then you'll talk?" Kevin pressed.

"Yeah. I don't think I'm going to make much sense, but I'll talk."


	3. Chapter 3

_He knows._

Suzanne's words reverberated around Lina's head until she was sure she was going to scream. _He knows._ She knew it had to happen eventually, that no matter how much his Backstreet family meant to him he'd notice she wasn't there one day. She hadn't known it would hurt so much.

Hands shaking, she turned on her stereo, turned it up loud to drown out the horrible clamour in her mind.

_Anytime I need to see your face  
I just close my eyes and I am taken to a place  
Where your crystal mind and magenta feelings  
Take up shelter in the base of my spine just like..._

Lina lashed out for the skip' button. It was going to be a long time until she could listen to that song again.

Once upon a time, it had been among her favourites. The opening lines described perfectly how things were between her and her partner, Nick. It had never gone to the physical level the rest of the song described, but anytime either one of them needed a friend, that was all they needed to do. Close their eyes, and reach out for that faint tickle in the back of the mind that was the familiar, reassuring presence of the other. No matter how far away, no matter what was going on, that presence had always been there.

Deep down Lina had known that one day, things would change. That day had come when she had nearly lost her Nick to death. He pulled through, but she lost him anyway - to the Backstreet Boys. Now, he didn't need his secret confidante, the one person who understood everything - because his best friends now knew everything too. There wasn't anything he couldn't tell them anymore - what use was she? What hurt most was that now, when her heart was aching, she had no one to reach out to anymore.

It was her own fault, in a way. She had let him go freely, when she knew he wasn't going to live for her sake. And once she had let go, she had to stay away. Had to shut herself away from him as he had shut himself away from the world. The feelings of his nearest and dearest could reach him - her hurt, betrayal and loneliness would have caused him more pain, even miles away as she was. Their connection had been that strong.

Once she had shut it down, there had never been a reason to open it again. She did what she could to keep him alive, then left, unable to face the new reality.

Now, he knew she was gone. Would she have to endure his well- meaning questions? Or worse, would he accept what everyone had always told them was meant to be, and let her go?

* * *

"I'm so confused." Usually, a sentence like this would come out of the mouth of Nick Carter in an immature whine, or a melodramatic moan. This time it was a simple, quiet statement, full of pain. "She's my partner, she's always been there. How did I miss this? For two months!"

"You've kind of had stuff on your mind, Nick." Brian reminded him dryly. They were sitting in Brian's backyard, watching Tyke and Littyleigh chase each other around.

"It shouldn't have mattered," he ground the words out as if it was hard to slow down and sort things out enough to speak them. "I... she... argh!" An empty lawnchair went flying across the lawn. Brian went a little pale.

"Nick, cool it!" Kevin ordered. "You came here to talk, not destroy Brian's backyard."

Nick didn't answer for a moment. He was bent over, his head in his hands, shaking in his effort to control himself. Eventually he sat up again. "Sorry Rok. You know I'm not good at talkin' about this stuff. Right now there's so much to deal with..."

"Is there somebody else who could help you?" Brian asked gently. "It's easier mind to mind, ain't it?"

Nick opened his mouth to answer, then closed it. Tears began to trickle down his cheeks as he shook his head no.

"He used to go to Lina for stuff like this." Kevin recalled some of the stories Nick had told him over the past few weeks. He moved to rub his young friend's shoulder.

"What a mess," Brian murmured. "We'll do what we can, Nicky. Just gonna take a little longer."

"D'you need us back in Orlando?" Kevin volunteered.

"No. You'll be back for rehearsals on Monday anyway," Nick sighed, wiping away tears. "It's not an emergency. I waited two months to notice..." He shook his head again at the thought. "I just needed to run, y'know. I'll be ok at A.J.'s."

"What were you doing at his place, anyway?"

"Mandy's...shit. Mandy."

"What about her?"

Nick thought about the myriad of complications his girlfriend presented to the whole problem, but mentioned only the simplest one; "She wants to come on the rest of the tour."

Brian groaned. This wasn't the most pleasant of prospects even when Nick wasn't going through some kind of crisis. Mandy was a highly perceptive young woman, who liked to in the know. It wasn't easy to keep a secret around her. Having her around while Nick was in this state, over another woman, no less, was just a bad idea.

"You can't just tell her no?"

Brian and Nick both shot Kevin a look. "Kev, he was in an accident. She's barely seen him since then. And as you were sayin' this morning, the rescheduling means we've lost a couple opening acts."

"Plus, the fans have been pretty down on her for not taking better care of me," Nick added. It was Kevin's turn to roll his eyes.

"How does she survive? She cares so much about what your fans think, but no matter what she does they're not going to like her. If she comes on tour Mandy will just be closer to all the accusations."

Nick shrugged. "She cares. It's her career."

"But... whatever. Your girlfriend. Do we want her to open for us in Calgary, or let them look for someone else?"

They discussed tour issues for another hour or so before Nick headed back to Florida. The talk hadn't really helped him sort things out, but he was at least getting over his first shock. He'd find a way to figure things out.


	4. Chapter 4

_She was sitting on their bench, her back to him, looking out over the pond. He had come expecting solitude, but it was the most natural thing in the world for her to be there. He sat down in silence. She said nothing, but leaned her head on his shoulder. All was right in the world. _

_Then she spoke. _

_"You came to say goodbye?" _

_"Goodbye?" A cold wind began to blow, raising dead leaves from unseen nooks and crannies. _

_"This isn't your place anymore," he was told gently but firmly. "You made your choice." _

_"When did I choose?" he demanded. "When was I asked?" _

_"You chose," she insisted. "You chose and now you have to go. It's time." _

_"I'm not ready!" he protested. "I need more time." _

_"Your time is up. Time to get up Nicky!" Her face metamorphosed into A.J.'s. "Wake the hell up, Kaos!"_

* * *

Nick jerked awake, panting hard. It took him a few moments to recognize A.J.'s face hovering over his and a few moments more to figure out he was in the guest room at A.J.'s house.

"Nightmare?" A.J. inquired.

Nick nodded. His mouth was dry, he had to wet his lips before speaking. "How'd you know?"

"Look around."

"Huh?"

"I mean, look down."

He rolled over to check the floor, and had to grab the bed to save himself from a nasty fall. "Oops." Panda was sniffing around the carpet disinterestedly, and his master was standing securely on the floor, but nothing else in the room was. Everything seemed to be floating about three feet above the floor.

"Put my house down gently please?"

"Your house?"

"Ok, I haven't checked downstairs yet, but my room and the hallway are like this too." A.J.'s brown eyes darted over Nick's face. "Must have been bad, huh?"

"It was... painful." Nick closed his eyes for a moment, figuring out what he had done while asleep. His bed and the rest of the room's furniture slowly returned to floor level.

"Wanna talk?" Nick hesitated. "Suzanne told me a little after you left. Might make it easier than telling Brian."

"I..."

A.J. sat down on the bed and made himself comfortable. "How come Suzanne expected Lina to end things?" he asked, skirting the issue a little.

Nick's face twisted into a sour expression. "Everyone expected it to fall apart eventually. It didn't matter who started the ball rolling; Lina, me, some other thing... nobody believes... believed our partnership was permanent."

"Why not?" A.J. pressed. "What's so different about you?"

"Power," Nick sighed. "Most psychics can broadcast a few hundred miles at most. If anyone forms a partnership, it's pretty easy to meet at a "random" local place and start a "real" relationship. A few people can broadcast over thousands of miles, mostly if they're talking to someone just as strong. Lina and I are the only North Americans who can send or recieve to any psychic - and a lot of non-psychics - anywhere in the world." He laughed. "That's how she got me in the first place - no one else wanted to handle teaching me."

* * *

Lina was sitting on her bedroom floor, leaning against the leg of her desk, reading a new sci-fi novel when she felt *it*. The unmistakable charge through the atmosphere that made her skin tingle and her vision suddenly that much clearer. But this was much stronger than she'd ever felt it. She was transfixed, her skin on fire. Afraid of actually burning it, she hurled her book across the room. The auras of everything in the room converged into one blinding, rainbow-coloured blast. Her eyes squinched shut and she prayed for the sensation to end.

It finally did, leaving her breathless and shaking.

* * *

Hundreds of miles away, Nick Carter was finally feeling better, having released his frustration in one long, satisfying mental scream. He reflected how helpful the technique was in dealing with things without annoying his parents. Out of nowhere, a strong female voice rang in his head, demanding,

_What the fuck was *that*?_

* * *

Lina listened to the echo from her yell, admittedly much more abrupt than a first contact should be, but she hadn't really been able to help herself. _Man that was far... southern States at least._ It wasn't unusual for her to pick up emergences from all over North America, but with that intensity... "I might actually have competition," she mused aloud.

Carefully, she gently pried a few details from his mind. A boy, Nickolas...(what kind of messed up spelling was that?) Gene Carter, twelve or thirteen years old, oldest of five. Both a performer and a painfully shy kid, someone who got teased in school. Sounded familiar.

Normally she'd turn him over to the local transition team, who had probably heard him themselves, but no one was more qualified to deal with a loud, powerful, out-of-control psychic than she was. From the remarkable psychic silence around him, she guessed that was everyone else's idea as well. Well and good, if he recieved as well as he sent, he probably would have heard every well-meaning psychic on the continent.

As usual for a new psychic, he was wide open, no mental defences whatsoever... although she sensed he'd had quite a few psychological walls up before emerging. First thing, she'd teach him how to build a sheild to shut out all the unwanted mental voices and feelings of everything living that were probably already beginning to plague him.

But before she could do that, he had to be ready to be taught. Right now he was just terrified.

* * *

Nick woke up the next day, feeling strange. Everything in his room was shining with a weird glow. He'd had way too many dreams, and none of them made sense. Even now, ghostly images seemed to dance before his eyes. For a moment he contemplated telling his mom he was sick. Out of nowhere, his mother's voice drifted into his head, speculating about what a big chance this audition would be.

Sighing, he slid out of the top bunk and landed on the floor. He glanced at Aaron, still hanging onto sleep, huddled in a cocoon of sheets. Normally he would have shaken his kid brother awake, but he seemed so tired. Nick felt it coming off him in waves. He decided to leave him for now and went to get dressed.

As the morning wound on Nick found himself picking up on other people's feelings, hearing their voices in his head. He tried to pass it off as his imagination, but normally he could turn his imagination off. He soon couldn't concentrate in class, hardly able to pick the teacher's real voice out from all the phantom voices. The fact that they were doing math wasn't helping.

"Nickolas? Can you demonstrate problem five from the homework on the board for us?"

He struggled to his feet, then stopped. On top of the voices and feelings, the images were starting back up again. The desks and blackboard in front of him wavered. Finally he couldn't take it any more. "Stop it! Just stop it!" he screamed.

No one noticed his textbook fall onto the floor, they were too busy staring at the crumpled form lying next to it, unconscious.

* * *

Lina felt Nick pass out and sighed with relief. He had kept himself awake much longer than most, definitely a sign of a strong personality. The calm of his unconscious would be good for him for a while. She checked her watch. Still half an hour to go till lunch and her free period. "Lord save me from Chemistry," she grumbled, but settled in to make an effort.

The minute class ended she flew to her locker, shoved her bookbag inside and teleported out. No one ever noticed her abrupt exits from the hubbub of the locker room. She arrived in an obviously shared room, full of the kind of mess only a pair of young boys can generate. There was only one occupant, a scrawny blonde boy tucked into the upper bunk. Lina left him unconscious for the moment, and dove in.

_Hi there,_ she sent as clearly and directly as she could, already working to build up a sheild around the room. Nick sent back a vague, unfocused response, more feeling than thought, but definitely confused.

_My name's Lina. We're going to be spending a lot of time together. _


	5. Chapter 5

A.J. half-expected Nick would spend all night and the rest of the weekend talking about Lina, but he wasn't all that surprised when, after the anecdote had tumbled out, Nick clammed up. He went back to old habits and bottled up his feelings. A.J. knew it was going to be a while when Saturday morning started with a call from Mandy.

"Hey Manders," A.J. greeted her, seeing Nick's number on the caller i.d. "Hang on, I'll haul Sleeping Beauty's ass out of bed for you."

"That's ok Alex," He winced. Only his close friends called him anything other than A.J.. Mandy didn't qualify, although she thought she did. "I kinda wanted to talk to you first."

"Yeah?" somehow he managed to sound a little surprised and only vaguely interested.

"Is he seeing someone else?"

A.J. choked on a gulp of coffee. When he'd calmed down, he replied, "Yeah Mandy. Since the accident he's been doing physiotherapy, a little psychotherapy and hitting the clubs."

She laughed. "Okay so it sounds dumb. But ever since the accident he's been sort of spacey around me. And now he's telling me he needs space and moving into your house."

"Maybe if you didn't treat him like he's made of glass..."

"Get off it," Mandy sounded exasperated. "It's got to be more than that! This is a big house, he could avoid me in here for weeks if he wanted."

"Well, I can't help you babe. Have to talk to him."

"You don't think that..." she trailed off, seeming to remember she was talking to A.J. and not one of her girlfriends. "Never mind."

"I'll get him for you."

The look Nick gave him when he emerged from his room was priceless. "Man you are not some death-row prisoner doing the long walk."

"My girlfriend is on the phone, right?"

"Uh huh."

"And she's about to do the "You don't pay enough attention to me" speech?"

"Could be."

"With a little of "Are you seeing someone else?" and "What is wrong with you?" thrown in?"

"Pretty likely."

"Do you know how many times we've had this fight over the last three years?"

"You're gonna tell me?"

"I could write the fucking script. And she's alone in my house. She'll probably kill one of the dogs and smear his blood all over my bed or something."

A.J. laughed. "Glad I'm not you, buddy. I'll be outside if you need reinforcements."

* * *

Nick and Mandy fought again, as Nick knew they would. He took her out to dinner that night, trying to smooth things over, but A.J. picked up a vibe and decided to leave the front door unlocked. He wasn't terribly surprised when Nick wandered in at one in the morning.

"Past your curfew Nicky!" he teased.

"Fuck off," Nick groaned. "Why couldn't you be in bed already?"

" Cause it's only one? Bars ain't closed yet."

"You're not at a bar."

"But I am the Party Animal. Question not my lifestyle, young Nickolas!" A.J. thundered.

"Were you watching porn again? Should I leave?" Nick mocked back.

"Nah, you should sit down with me and we can complain about how neither of us is gettin' any tonight. And watch porn."

"Mandy thinks I am gettin' some tonight," he sighed, dropping down onto the floor, his back against the couch.

"What, with me? You should tell her I don't like you that way," A.J. grinned. "And Amanda wouldn't like it anyway."

_Alex._ Nick warned.

They both froze, realising what Nick had done.

"Jeez, sorry man," he apologized. "I know I said I was comfortable around you but I have no right to.."

A.J. shrugged it off. "Don't sweat it. I was just a little surprised."

Nick stared. "You mean you're okay?"

"Why wouldn't I be okay? Didn't we go through this when we dragged you out of that coma?"

"Physically okay. No headache?"

"Nick I spent like, thirty-six hours with you or Mins in my head and all I got was a little tired from the last part. Why would two seconds give me a headache?"

"Mindi was in your head?"

"Well, not like you and Brian, but we kept in touch."

"Shit." Nick was still staring at him, and A.J. shifted uncomfortably under his gaze. "I must be completely and totally dense. It takes me years to realize one of my best friends is allergic to me, months to realize my better half has left me and now this."

"What?"

"Alexander James McLean you are psychic and no one has ever thought to tell you."

A.J. stared at Nick as if his blonde friend had grown an extra head. His mouth worked, but no sound came out. It was one thing to be told that one of your best friends was psychic, quite another to have the announcement be about yourself. Finally he chose something safe to say.

"So how much does Mandy really know about Lina?"

"Sorry, I'm not really good at subtle first-contact things."

"Nick, I asked a question," A.J. replied in an even voice. Nick nodded in comprehension.

"Want to watch the Exorcist?"

"You're avoiding the question."

"So are you. I don't want to talk about her, I'm not sure I can even stand thinking about her until sometime next year. Hopefully you'll be able to start dealing with your issue before we hit the road again. Now, I happen to know you have a DVD of the Exorcist and I think we need to see it."

And so, for a few hours, the McLean residence became the House of Denial.


	6. Chapter 6

**12:30 AM**

"And in other news, The Backstreet Boys have finally rescheduled the rest of the Canadian tour they missed a couple weeks back. If you kept your ticket, you're in luck - you can turn it in at any Ticketmaster location for a new one." The new dates flashed on the screen over some footage from Quit Playing Games. Lina glanced at her ticket, still intact and lying on top of her hard drive.

"Should I?" she asked the empty room. Tickets for the original Toronto concert had sold out in an hour, long before the fateful crash. She didn't always go to the local show, she'd only been to three Backstreet concerts, but whenever Nick was in town, she had always paid him a visit, or vice versa. But now..

_Lina?_ Nick's voice tickled at the edge of her mind, tempting her to let him in.

_Lina?_ It was tentative, worried and a little scared. _Please, just tell me why._

She kept silent, knowing a reply, no matter how quick, would tell him everything.

_What happened?_ he persisted. _Are you okay? Did it have something to do with the accident? I don't remember much, but I think that's the last time we talked. Did I say something stupid? Please answer me. Maybe I could actually deal with this if I knew *why*._

He changed tactics, trying to tease it out of her, _I won't stop asking until you tell me. You know I'm a stubborn ass. _

Lina fought back tears, wishing it didn't feel so good to hear his voice again. She wanted to break down and let him in again, hear him say she was wrong, that there was always a place for her in his life. But it had taken him two months. Two months where he had nothing to tell her, nothing to share with her. Two months, when he used to need to chat at least once a day, waking her up at odd hours to tell her things no one else would understand.

Those two months proved her right. With five someone elses who understood, there was no place for her, except as a team member. She had a great relationship with Suzanne, Jacob and the rest of the team, but with Nick? He'd realise it was useless about a year from now if she let him back in. Nick was stubborn that way. A year of feeling useless, of things slowly going sour...

_Lina, we need to talk._

She threw up a sheild, blocking him out as completely as she could. It hurt, but it was all she could do.

* * *

A.J. woke to the sound of his doorbell and Bear's frantic yipping. Groggily, he sat up, swung his feet over the side of the bed and dangled them uselessly.

"Carter!" he groaned. With a yawn, he inspected the distance between his bed and the ground. "Move, Bear." The little dog trotted out of the way obligingly. "Geronimo!" He landed catlike on the ground. The doorbell rang again. "Coming, coming."

He grabbed a random wifebeater and pulled it on, checking to make sure that, yes he had slept in his boxers and no, they hadn't floated to the ceiling. Satisfied he was halfway presentable, A.J. scooped up Bear and headed for the front door.

"If this is a fan, I swear to God I'm going to kill them," he muttered at his pet. "I do *not* get up before noon on a Sunday." Bear barked in a show of indignant support. Or maybe he was just barking at the randomly floating pieces of furniture they passed.

The bell rang once more before they finally made it to the door. It was Howie. "Dammit, D!"

"Morning!" Howie refused to be put down. "I thought I'd take you out to Sunday brunch."

"What happened to Sunday brunch at the Dorough household?" A.J. asked, still not letting his visitor into the house.

"Oh that was hours ago," he was informed breezily.

"D, it's..." A.J. squinted at his friend's watch. "It's barely 11:30."

"Uh huh. Our brunch was at nine."

"Ugh."

"Now, aren't you at least going to invite me in while you get changed? This is a free meal here, Bone. You never turn those down."

"Sure..." Bear barked and A.J. looked at the little dog. "Oh, right. Maybe you shouldn't. I got furniture floating all over the place. Might give you hives or something."

"Wha..."

"Nick's crashing here for a while. He has nightmares and gravity goes poof!"

"He's having problems?" Howie's cheerful face creased with concern.

"You have no idea." A.J. shook his head.

"Well, I want to come in anyway. Mindi said I really only had problems with direct contact," he grinned, "And even a brunch with you doesn't usually involve alcohol."

"Huh?" It took him a second. "Oh, yeah." Howie was allergic to psychic energy, but so far his major symptom was a very low tolerance for alcohol after being exposed. "Funny."

"If you were awake you would have laughed."

"If you had rang the bell at a decent time, I would've been awake. Come in already."


	7. Chapter 7

Nick had no comment when he saw what he had done again, simply set everything back on the floor and rolled over for more sleep. The invitation to brunch was ignored.

"You know we're just going to talk about you all afternoon if you don't come," A.J. warned him.

_Whatever._

Howie noticed A.J. go pale at Nick's silence. He pretended he hadn't. "He's just being a wet blanket. Go get dressed, Bone. And wear a hat. I know you love getting mobbed, but you can wait a week." He waved him out of the room and sat down on Nick's bed. "Nicky?"

No response, but the tense set of the shoulders facing him told Howie Nick was far from asleep. "You know we're here for you, right? If you need help, all you gotta do is ask."

"Can't help," Nick muttered. "Don't even know what I did."

"We don't know what you did, or you don't know what you did?"

"Both."

"That sucks," Howie told him sympathetically. A.J. hadn't filled him in on why exactly Nick was over here, but Sweet D was more perceptive than most people gave him credit for. "This isn't about Mandy, is it?"

"Not really."

"She finally laid it on the line, huh?"

Nick rolled over again. "What??"

Howie held his gaze with frank eyes. "Nick, I've known since you met Mandy that you were settling for her. She's nice and all and you two are great together, but half the time it's brother- sister stuff. There's always been someone else for you, and now she's finally telling you it's impossible."

Nick's blue eyes were wide with shock. "How could you possibly know that? I did *everything* I was supposed to. I don't even..."

"...have a picture of her." Howie finished softly, proving that he didn't have to be psychic to know what Nick was thinking. "You said that exact same thing to me on your birthday."

"My birthday?? No I didn't. I know I got pretty drunk, but I didn't get drunk enough to forget anything."

"Not your twenty-first. Your sixteenth." Nick winced as if he'd been slapped. "I don't know why I remember it so well - you were grumpy all day - we all got on your case about it and finally you blew up at me. "Wanna know what's wrong? I don't even have a fucking picture of her!" It made no sense and you disappeared yet again not long afterwards so I never got a chance to ask, but when you introduced us to Mandy, I figured it out."

Nick stared at him in silence.

"Yo, D!" A.J. yelled from the hall. "If Blondie's coming tell him to get his ass out of bed and get dressed. If not, let's go!"

"Well?" Howie raised an eyebrow at the younger man.

"Nah," he shook his head slowly. "You go on - I'm sure Bone's dying to tell you everything anyway... and I'm not."

"Your call, Nicky" Howie stood up and made his way out to where A.J. was waiting for him. Nick rolled over and stared at the stripes of the wallpaper until they blurred together.

* * *

_Happy birthday, Nickelodeon._ Lina's voice, unexpected but always welcome, interrupted his latest round of Nintendo.

_Is it midnight already?_ he asked tiredly, sitting up.

_It is wherever you are._

_Europe, someplace. A hotel room._ Nick sighed, _Everyone else is out on the town, even A.J.._

_Sixteen's still special._ Lina encouraged.

_Sixteen's still *young*._

_I know._

_I wish I was older._

_I know. You'll be older sooner than you think._

_I know.... We say that a lot._

_I know!_ He loved the way she laughed.

_Why do we even bother with words?_

_Cause some things need to be said._

_Lina?_

"Yeah?" She sat crosslegged next to him on the counterpane, knowing, as usual, just what he needed.

"C'mere," he pulled her closer, trying to show her what he wanted to say, what he needed to say out loud. She snuggled against him contentedly.

"You're all tall now," she commented with a smile. "I guess it is your turn to be leaned against."

He didn't answer at first, letting himself enjoy the feel of the woman in his arms; the smell of her shampoo, the softness of her hair, the warmth of her body, her simple presence. "I've missed you."

"_I'm always right here,_" she reminded him, as if he needed reminding.

"Yeah, but..." he squeezed her gently. "I've missed *this*. Being with you. Really."

"Nick, don't go where you're going," she warned sadly. "There's no point."

"There is a point, Lina," he insisted, his voice cracking in its earnestness. "No matter how hard it is, or how many people tell us we shouldn't, we feel like this. And for once I want to say it."

"I know it anyway, Nick." The pain in her voice went straight to his heart. "Don't put it out into the real world too. It's not fair."

"Not fair? To who?"

"Whom," she corrected absently, a habit he knew she'd picked up from her parents. "To you, sweetheart. I know your managers are on about the no girls thing, or at least a public no girls' image, but you're sixteen, you're cute, you're popular... go have a real girlfriend."

"I don't want..."

"Yes you do," she cut in firmly. "This is *me* you're talking to. You can't shit me. You want to take a girl to McDonalds, to make out with someone in a hotel room, to talk to someone on the phone every night."

"But..."

"I can't be that. Never. You *know* that Nick. Maybe one day we'll find a way for something, but not now. Don't waste your life waiting for me."

"Lina, don't." He didn't waste words on what it was she was doing. She knew. He knew she knew. She knew that he knew... to the infinite power. Their connection was that deep. Would always be that strong, regardless of how many girls he went out with. That wasn't what he had meant to say, wasn't the outcome he wanted from tonight, but it was what she was saying to him. She wouldn't hate him for doing it, wouldn't be jealous of any of them... because she knew none of them could take her place. Her very special, unique place in his mind and heart.

They sat in silence for a while longer, until she sighed. "Someone's looking for me in the dorm."

"I know."

"You'll be okay, Nickelodeon?" She searched his eyes with her own cloudy green ones.

"I'll live." An expression he'd picked up from her.

"Good night." A quick, birthday peck on the cheek and she was gone.

"I love you," he whispered to the empty room.


	8. Chapter 8

A.J. filled Howie in on the weekend's happenings tucked away in a corner at a diner they both liked. He only left out one thing. How do you tell your best friend, "Oh by the way, you're allergic to me too"?

"Ouch," was Howie's first comment when the tale was done. "So she hasn't explained or anything?"

"I dunno. Nick's in silent mode again, or trying to be," A.J. shrugged. "He might have talked to her by now."

Howie shook his head, "He said this morning he didn't know what he'd done."

"He talked to you?"

"A little. I did most of the talking - I think I surprised him," Howie smiled slightly.

"How?"

"I told him what his problem was."

"Huh?"

"You know he's in love with her, right?"

"That is getting to be painfully obvious, D."

"Yeah, but I knew five years ago," he waved off A.J.'s stuttering. "Not the whole psychic deal, or the name or anything, but Nick's been pining for *somebody* forever."

"Wow. His girlfriend's only started to clue in this month. She's going to be pissed if she finds out you knew before he met her."

Howie ignored this. "What do you think happened?" he wondered. "She fought like hell to get him out of that coma. Remember how she laid into us?"

"D, I will remember every second of that whole ordeal until the day I die."

"Remember how she broke down at the end?" Howie's voice softened. "It was killing her not to be able to help him."

A.J. nodded soberly. The angry young woman had come in with both barrels blazing and ended up in his arms, being consoled. "But y'know D... no one told us everything about what was going on."

"What do you mean?"

"There was something not right with Lina the whole way through. It was like people were afraid to mention her." A.J. stood up, "Mindi probably knows."

"Uh, Alex?" Howie couldn't help but grin. "Are you going to be messing around in someone else's love life *again*?"

"Just trying to help Nick out, he's miserable." Suddenly the Backstreet Boys' bad boy was the picture of innocence, "Besides, if he starts raising furniture on tour I think the secrecy thing kinda goes out the window."

Howie laughed. "True. Just remember, if you do this, you're messing around in a whole different world, with different rules. You're not just playing with Nick's heart."

"I am not *playing* with Nick's heart," A.J. managed to sound thoroughly offended. "I respect Nickolas one hundred percent, and I would never toy with his emotions."

"Alex..." It was the same warning tone Nick had used in his head the night before. A.J. covered his wince with a return to the serious.

"Honestly, I won't do anything that could make it worse," he promised. "But if I can at least get a *reason* out of Mindi, it might at least give Nick something to go on."

"All right," Howie conceded. "But finish your brunch first, huh? I paid good money for this!"

* * *

_Suzanne?_

_Yes Nick?_

_House call._

_Give me ten minutes._

That done, Nick finally got up and stared pretending he might have some reason to be active, if not actually happy. Panda and Bear trotted after him from the guest room to the bathroom, from the bathroom to the kitchen, never letting him out of their sight. He slipped them each a doggie treat for their sympathy. He was deciding what went well on toast when Suzanne arrived.

_Problems?_ she asked in a kind but efficient voice, her doctor's voice. Nick ignored the toast and perched himself on A.J.'s kitchen counter.

"Two nights in a row I've lifted everything inanimate in this house three feet or so in the air. While sleeping."

"That's a problem," she agreed dryly. "Ever pulled this trick before?"

"First time on tour," he nodded. "Lina kept an eye on me for about three weeks until I was comfortable enough to stop. I can't wait three weeks this time."

Suzanne noticed he hadn't even winced at Lina's name. "You're pretty calm about everything."

"Not calm," he corrected her, "angry."

"Angry?" She wasn't feeling anger from him. Wasn't feeling much of anything from him actually - tight emotional sheilds, not a good sign at all, the physician side of her noted.

"I'm feeling a lot of things about this mess and I decided this morning that angry is the only one I can do and stay functional."

Suzanne shrugged. She wasn't ready to push Nick into some sort of cathartic outburst that morning. "Whatever gets you by. You'll let us know when you're ready to go on call again?"

That thought did make Nick wince. "Could be a while. About the floating furniture?" he prompted.

"Any recurring dreams?"

He shook his head. "Nope. I'm just generally upset." His detached tone warned Suzanne just *how* upset he might be, to be pushing things down so far.

"Then the only thing I can think of is to seal the room before you go to sleep. If that doesn't work, get someone else to seal it for you."

"That won't stop it!" he protested.

"No, but it will keep your telekinesis localised until you can deal with your issues." Blunt, but true. Nick nodded his acceptance. She pressed on with a bit of advice. "Try and move on, Nick. It's better for everyone."

"Do you know why she did it?"he asked, studying the linoleum on A.J.'s floor, swinging one leg casually.

"I promised I wouldn't tell you what I know." The leg slowed to a halt. "I *can* tell you I don't know the whole situation. Lina hasn't been bottling things up as much as you are, but she's keeping her whys all to herself."


	9. Chapter 9

_ **Dear Diary** _

I never write in this thing - my life is littered with quarter-full diaries, notebooks, computer files. If anyone ever wants to compile it all, they'll have quite a task. And then there's the bit with *him*... I think I burned all of it. I kind of hope so - he's my secret shame. But at the same time, maybe someone could learn something from it.

Nah, the world knows enough about the wisdom of mistrust.

I wonder, if it wasn't for being burned by a guy I never met, could I keep this up? Would I really be enough of a cynic to mistrust my soulmate? There. I've said it finally. I never said it to him. He knew, but there's something so solid abouthing so solid about *saying* it - about hearing it said. That's why I never let him say it.

God, look at that. Tear marks already.

I never let him say it, and he never pushed me far enough. We were both a little scared, I think. Especially with fate working against us the way it did. Until a few weeks ago, I think I would have said to anyone who asked me that the worst day of my life was the day I "met" him in person. It was actually kind of amusing - amused the hell out of him, but that was partly a defence mechanism. We both cried over it later.

An instore. That's how I met him in real life. I'm even on one of the Much Music clips from that day, which is worse. It defined me as a fan - as someone who could never just meet him and start something, made everything so much more difficult. But I had to do it once. We talked about meeting casually in the hall of the hotel - and then he saw the itinerary. They even had a band meeting after the concert. Plus, Quebec still spooked him in those days - the guys would have wondered how little Nicky found the courage to wander around a hotel after coming from Montreal and all that insanity.

The guys. I could kill them all. Some nights, lying there, trying to forget how alone I am, I relive those early morning hours and wish I had fought him, pulled him out to safety first. Things would have been different then. They might still have known, but would they have bonded?

He's always been the hero. Sacrificing himself for the good of the family, to protect his brothers and sisters, to save *them*. Dammit.

Who am I kidding? I wouldn't change a minute of it. It would have ripped him open, to have them suffer the way they would have without his help. I'd never do that to him. If one of them had died... he would have gone with whoever it was.

Sometimes I think about killing myself. I have a life outside of him, of course. We both stomped all over that tiny little hope that we might be able to arrange that first meeting, the one where we could start a life... oh why even bother writing it down?

That hope never really died. I found that out in the first pains of knowing he wanted someone else. He would have died happily if I hadn't reminded him of them. In the end, their years together, their life together, their bond meant more to him than me.

I've been rejected a million times before. I dealt. Or repressed and moved on, anyway. It's been two months and this wound's still open, bleeding, infected.

No one else has noticed enough to comment, of course. No one who isn't psychic, and *they're* all tip-toeing around me, afraid I'm going to break, or explode. When daily life is a never-ending cycle of deadlines, it's not hard to do it on automatic pilot.

_Don't they know they're making love to one already dead?_

That's how I feel. Dead inside.

And yet, if it makes him happy, I'll go with it. I'll keep living, because if he ever finds out I killed myself, he'll dwell on it. I want him to move on.

I do.

No, I don't. I want him to port in here, demanding answers, breaking down all my sheilds until I have to tell him everything. I want him to make it all right. I want him to tell me that no matter how long I kept silent he would never fall in love with her, that he misses me everyday, that damn the world to hell he's going to move to Toronto and make me happy for the rest of my life.

That's what I want, but it's mean and selfish and impossible. He didn't rush in here as soon as he figured it out. Hell, he never even figured it out. Suzanne had to *tell* him I was gone. I was supposed to be a part of him. Me gone was supposed to be like missing a limb. You don't go two months thinking, "Hmm, my left arm feels kinda light. I'll just ignore that for a while and use the right one until it feels better."

I should be happy, being right. So what if he knows my whole soul, owns it? I'll get a new one. He doesn't need me anymore, and he'll get over the wanting. I was right. I have no right to be angry. These hot drops of sea water hitting the page aren't allowed to exist. I made my choice. I saved myself from actually hearing the words "We were never really meant to be" from his lips. It's all right that he didn't miss me until he was told I was gone. I don't hate him.

That's the truth, I don't.

I'll always love you, Nickolas Gene. Forgive me for never being strong enough to say it.


	10. Chapter 10

Monday started off well for Nick. The alarm clock woke him instead of A.J.. The alarm clock was floating as far up as its cord would let it, but at least sealing the room semed to have worked. He set everything back down and got up to face the day. It was the first day of rehearsals, an opportunity to work hard and forget everything else. He almost managed to project cheerfulness as he entered A.J.'s kitchen.

"Avoiding it isn't going to help, Nick."

The problem with living with a psychic lies in statements like that. A.J. hadn't even seen Nick yet, he was rummaging in the fridge, but he didn't need to see his friend's body language to read some of what Nick was feeling - or rather, what Nick was blocking out.

_Leave me alone, Alex._

"Not for long," he was warned.

"So you're dealing better?" Nick fished an apple and some yogurt out of the fridge. A.J. accepted the change of topic with no comment.

"Yeah, I was on the phone to Mins yesterday. She said I needed to talk to you more, but if you're right, I uh, "have a mild case"."

Nick raised an eyebrow at him. "I told you what an emergence was like weeks ago. You were worried you might be a *strong* psychic?"

"Oh, bite me."

"No thanks." Nick took a final bite of his apple instead and tossed it into the sink. He let Panda lick the juice from his hands while he spoke. "I told you about all the types of psychics on the Net, but did I tell you about Receivers?"

"I don't think so."

"You'd remember if I did. One of the side-effects of being psychic, no matter what type or power level, is perfect recall." He glanced at his watch. "For instance, I recall it's time to get our asses in gear."

"Car pool?" A.J. offered. "I'll drive, you talk."

Nick grinned. ""Car pool", he says. You get a minivan when I wasn't looking, J?"

* * *

"So I'm guessing I'm a receiver, then?" A.J. prompted, once they were on the road. "How come I don't know about them? You holding out on me, boy?"

"Nah. They're just easy to forget."

"Why's that?" A.J. glanced at his companion, frowning.

"Eyes on the road, Bone." Nick reminded him. "It's not a prejudice thing, it's an ability thing. Receivers can't send. Their thoughts are louder than non-psychics when they want to be, more focused, but they can't actually send. Empaths, we used to call them, before we figured out they could pick up more than just feelings. They can barely make themselves noticed."

"So what can I do?"

"Hear stuff. People's thoughts, feelings, strong memories associated with places... you can even do a little fortune telling. Oh, and anchor."

An anchor, A.J. remembered, helped a teleport see where they were going. A person at the destination linked with the teleport and caught them safely. Anchors kept people from teleporting into the middle of a public scene... or worse, into the centre of a tree.

"Well that's helpful. But I thought you told me people couldn't see the future?"

"They can't. Real fortune telling is picking up on the person's current situation, sensing what they want, what's stopping them, internal or external, and giving a little advice. That's why no one can tell their own fortune. You need to be outside the situation." Nick looked at A.J. speculatively. "I don't think you're all that strong, even for a receiver, but this is gonna cause you some problems, J."

"Huh?"

"Mister I-Can't-Keep-My-Mouth-Shut is going to be giving advice 24-7, I can tell."

"And this is new how?" A.J. grinned. "Don't worry bout me, Nick. You've got enough to ignore for now."

"You and Mindi had a long talk, huh?" Nick tried to be mad about the idea, but knew A.J. was just looking out for him.

"You want to hear what she said?"

"Not yet."

"You sure?"

"Gimme a couple of days. I'll want to eventually."

A.J. pulled his car into the rehearsal space's parking lot. He took off his sungng lot. He took off his sunglasses and looked at his friend for a long moment. "How do you do that? How can you tell the absolute truth and still hold back like that?"

Nick shrugged. "Truth works - it's very therapeutic Alex." When A.J. waited for more he sighed and continued, "I've been doing this since I was twelve, man. It's a whole different society. But no-one..." He caught himself, blinking a few times before he continued, "Most of us don't go through life telling absolutely everything to anyone. Everyone's got secrets, it's just plain stupid to push everyone for everything. We're pretty blunt with each other, but you learn how to tell just a little more than you want to - eventually it ends up being good for you. If you say "Look, I can work it out by myself," everyone who knows you just pushes you to say more because that's a fucking lie. But if you say, "I can't talk about it right now, I'll go nuts. Give me some time?" They say, "That's cool" and try you again later. People know you're dealing with shit, so they look out for you - you don't piss as many people off, and when you do crack, not only have you *not* totally alienated everyone, you've let enough slip that they have an idea of what's going down."

A.J. nodded, accepting what had been said, and what hadn't. "Cool system," was all he said. They got out of the car and went to meet the others.

* * *

With the band, their choreographer Fatima, the tour manager Solomon and a few other of The Firm's flunkies around the other guys didn't have much opportunity to ask how Nick was doing. To outside eyes he was fine; focused, enthusiastic, ready to work. But when they broke for lunch, Brian grabbed a deli tray and marshalled the rest of group out into the parking lot.

He was all ready to ask Nick point-blank how things were going when Solomon emerged from the rehearsal space. "Nick, the nurse is here," he called out. "Gotta get yourself checked out."

"Does he have to go *now*?" Howie protested.

"Don't sweat it," Nick swiped a sandwich and stood up. "A.J. can fill you in. Later." He walked off and A.J. could feel the relief trailing from him as he went.

"That isn't healthy," Kevin began ominously.

"Don't push it," A.J. jumped in. "He told me he'll tell us stuff eventually, but he wants to get a better handle on things first. He'll talk when he's ready."

"In the meantime, *we* can talk," Brian asserted. "What's been going on since he left my place?"

"He hasn't been sleeping well, it's affecting my furniture."

"Uh oh," Kevin had a vision of Nick's area of the ICU completely in turmoil.

"Not as bad as back then," A.J. assured him. "It just all goes up. It's like waking up in the top bunk of a bunkbed you never knew you had. Without a ladder to get down."

Brian chuckled.

"His *point* is," Howie cut in, "This is really affecting Nick. He's all denial during the day but obviously he can't keep it all in while he's asleep."

"So we went for help."

"We?" Howie shot A.J. a look. "*We* did not do anything. *You* decided to call Mindi and see if she knew anything we didn't. You haven't told me how that went, yet."

"We got some time, Bone," Kevin encouraged. "Fill us in."


	11. Chapter 11

A.J. took a deep breath and gathered his courage. "Yeah, I called her yesterday afternoon. We needed to talk about a lot, and she didn't pick up on the Nick thing first..."

* * *

Two rings and Mindi's voice floated over his cell phone. "Hi Alex. Need some advice huh?"

"Yeah I do, Mins. You knew it was me?"

"Sure. Pick up the phone, get a flash of a goatee, who else could it be?" she teased.

"Even psychics know me by my hair," he pretended to grumble. "Nobody loves me for my mind."

"Y'know that makes sense?" Mindi mused. "In fact it explains a hell of a lot."

"Hey!"

"Sorry, answering thoughts instead of words," she apologized. "When you said "psychics" I picked up on it. You've been wondering if maybe you're a psychic, right?"

"Nick told me I *am* one last night."

"He's got a good track record for calling it," she agreed. "But what are you so worried about?

* * *

"Bone?" Howie interrupted.

A.J. ducked his head. "I didn't know how to tell you yesterday, D. I thought it meant you'd be allergic to me, meant you'd be allergic to me, too."

"I'm not?"

"You only have a problem with *contact*. Nick says he doesn't think I can send, just receive."

"Oh brother," Brian joked. "Ok y'all... any other psychics in the group I need to know about?"

The others the others burst into laughter and A.J. rolled his eyes. "Uh guys? The part about Nick?"

"Yeah, yeah. Keep talking, "Brian assured him, still laughing.

"Right. Um, Mindi predicted you guys would be fine with it, and I'd just have to figure out whether or not to tell anyone else later. Then I told her why I was calling."

* * *

"Lina left Nick."

"I know. It's been Net gossip for weeks - except when either of them are tuned in."

"Well maybe if someone had been less discreet about it Nick wouldn't be so confused right now!"

"It's hitting him bad, huh?" she asked softly. "I knew that "partnership of convenience" stuff was bullshit."

"Did you know both of them?"

"I knew Lina in passing. Most psychics who knew one knew both and Nick and I did hook up a lot - it's lonely being the only psychic on a tour."

"Do you know why she did it?"

There was a long pause as Mindi thought about the question. A.J. turned left, not really knowing where he was going, just trying to keep this conversation away from Nick.

"I know maybe a little more than most who were there. Her team, ex-team, probably know more but word has it she swore them to silence. Whatever happened, she doesn't want Nick to know about it."

"Why not?"

He could almost see Mindi shrug. "Ask Nick about that. Frankly, if he gets to the point where he can think straight again, he could probably piece it together without anyone telling him, he knows her well enough."

A.J. sighed. He had a bad feeling that thinking straight was the last thing Nick was going to be doing with this problem. "So what can you tell me?"

"I'm not going to ask if you remember that night, cause I know you're never going to forget it. Remember when all the others were out and we were trying to get Nick out?"

_Almost instantly he was carried back to that cold, grey morning, hearing the metal of the bus tear as a telekinetic team worked to make it look as if they'd used the Jaws of Life to get Nick out of the bus. Brian was shivering beside him, praying silently. _

_Lina was sitting on the ground, cross-legged, leaning against her chair. Her eyes never left the bus, a look of almost insane intensity burning from out of her pale, tear-streaked face. Otherwise, she wore the calm mask that most of the psychics assumed, repressing her emotions back to where they couldn't hurt Nick or any of the psychics around her who were straining to work with non-psychics. _

_Without warning, Lina began to shake. Mindi and three or four others raced towards her. At the time, A.J. had turned away, to concentrate on hugging Brian and keeping the both of them calm. Suddenly, Mindi's point of view took over. _

_**I'm losing him! I'm LOSING HIM!** Lina cried into the mind of every psychic in her range. Mindi didn't even realise she was running until she reached the distraught girl. Without hesitation, she fed Lina her energy the most direct way possible - grabbing the nearest exposed skin and opening herself to Lina. She was drawn into the mind-link along with several others. It was all fairly general - Lina was too deep into Nick's psyche, somewhere only she could go, but something was obviously wrong. She was panicked, throwing all the energy she was getting directly into Nick. Some small part of Mindi realised Lina wasn't keeping back even a little for herself. _

_Somehow it just wasn't enough. Nick wasn't coming any closer to consciousness. Lina's despair filtered back through the link - then something more conscious. _

_For a moment, Mindi didn't realise it was a direct thought to her, but the image of singing Backstreet Boys couldn't have been meant for anyone else. Hoping against hope that it worked, she pulled out of the mind-link and broadcast as loud as she could to Alex. _

_ **SING! For the love of God Alex, sing!** _

It took both of them a minute to shake off the after-images, then Mindi continued as if sending someone her memories happened every day. "That was harder than it should have been. She shouldn't have needed you guys, she went in there to be a focus point for Nick and was much closer on all levels than you were to him. Something went wrong. I don't know if it's something she did or something Nick did, but she couldn't connect the way she was supposed to."

"Nick could have done something?"

"Well not much," she admitted. "Closed himself off from her, maybe, or just too worried about the other guys to think about getting out of the bus.But honestly, I can't think of anything Lina could have done wrong. She gave it her all, Alex."

* * *

"How much of this does Nick know?"

A.J. shrugged.

"He told me he doesn't know what he did," Howie spoke up. "Maybe he can't remember."

"We haven't really talked about the accident with him," Kevin realised. "We should."

"Right now?" A.J. queried, on the verge of nixing the idea. Then he remembered something Nick had said, and backpedalled. "I suppose it couldn't hurt to ask him if he wants to talk about it. But if he says no, we lay off for a few days."

"Huh?"

"We had a talk this morning about the truth rule. He's been putting me off without lying to me all weekend and I asked him how he got so good at it. It's the way they... we do things within the Community." A.J. looked around at the others, ""We" means you guys too, since the accident. We've talked about that, more than we talked about that morning. The way Nick put it, you can't lie, but you don't get pushed to talk either."

"And if it doesn't work?" Brian challenged him. "What then? I'm not going to stand by and watch him fall apart."

"Who said anything about standing by?" A.J. grinned. "He knows we're doing things, he hasn't said no... "

"God," Kevin groaned. "Bone, tell me you don't have one of your famous plans."

"Nooo... not yet."


	12. Chapter 12

Nick looked up at his house and sighed when Lina's impression of it swam up from his memory. A house to fit the image, far too big for two people. For the first time since Friday, he didn't want Lina there with him. He rang the doorbell.

Mandy opened the door almost immediately, looking apprehensive. She had every right to be worried. "Hi."

"Hi," he responded. They stood there staring at each other, the spectre of what was going to happen hanging over them.

Eventually, Mandy remembered it was actually Nick's house. "Come in," she invited with a nervous laugh. He entered without comment, not stopping until he made it to the living room couch.

"You said you wanted to talk," she prompted.

"Yeah." He ran his fingers through his hair, still wondering how to break it to her. _Truth works - it's kinda therapeutic,_ his own words to A.J. echoed in his head. "Look, this is hard to say. You're not going to want to hear it either."

"I was right," she interrupted, tight-lipped. "You're sleeping around on me."

"No." For the first time, he looked her straight in the eye. The truth was going to hurt her, but if she was going to be hurt, he didn't want it to be because she misunderstood. "I'm not, Mandy. I am here to say that I can't go on with this anymore, but I'm not sleeping around."

She had been expecting it, but she still went pale. "Is it because I..."

"It's nothing you did. It's... I put you in a bad situation when we met and it's going to get worse soon. I care enough about you to want you out of the way of the fallout."

"I can handle the fans, Nick."

"It's not them. You at least knew about them." He took a breath. She wasn't going to like this one bit. "When we started going out, you were the first person in a long time I thought I could fall in love with." He had told her that years ago. She nodded, remembering.

"The problem is, even back then, I was already in love with someone else." Mandy began to chew her bottom lip, a sure sign she was upset. "I was trying to forget her when I met you, or at least forget her as more than a friend. And sometimes, you really did make me forget." Small comfort. "But I..."

"She finally said yes to her little puppy dog?" The words were meant to hurt and they hit deeper than Mandy knew. Nick closed his eyes, struggling to remain in control.

"No," he managed a quiet but fairly even voice. "I lost her, even as a friend. And it hit me - I don't love you, Mandy. Once I thought I could. I care about you a lot, we've had some really good times... but I don't love you and that's not fair to either of us."

"Very noble of you," she mocked. "Use me and lose me when it doesn't work."

He didn't have the energy to fight back. He'd always known that if things ended with her for good, they'd end badly. "I know."

"If you really cared for me, why even tell me this? Why let me know I was always the consolation prize? Why not just tell me you were sleeping around??"

_When psychic culture meets the real world, things always get messy._ One of Lina's oldest lectures popped into his head and Nick couldn't take any more. Knowing it was dumb and cruel, he stood up and walked out, slamming the door behind him. He made it to his car before the tears began again.

Almost simultaneously, his cell phone rang. He only picked it up because he knew it was A.J..

"Nick, what happened?" the worried voice over the phone, the obvious sympathy just made it all worse. He was too upset to talk, and the pain became worse knowing it was the kind only Lina could understand. "Nick?"

Only hearing sobs, and feeling Nick's pain overflowing A.J. started to get frantic. Keeping Nick on his home line, he pulled out his own cell and dialed Mindi's number. "Call one of Nick's friends," he barked before she could even say hello. "The kind who can get to him *now*."

There was a moment of static on Nick's line, then the sound of someone else taking the phone. A male voice with a European accent said, "I've got it, Alex. If nothing else, he's safe with me."

"Where are you? I want to be there," he insisted. Psychic team or not, he knew when Nick needed his Backstreet family.

"It's not your decision this time." Jacob hung up the phone. Nick was going to need his family, but first he was going to need help only psychics could give. _Hang in there Nick. Just a few more minutes. First, you need to be somewhere else than here._

One of the big advantages to being a teleport, Jacob reflected, was the ability to go places fast. A quick SEP field around the car, a glance at the mental map of Nick's favourite places, a little push and they were parked on his favourite beach. Jacob sent the car to Mindi's place, not sure A.J. was ready to try being an anchor just yet.

Never one for crying much, Nick was soon just sitting silently on the beach, staring out at the waves. It was the middle of spring, but still a little chilly for a day at the beach. It didn't seem to bother him, though. Jacob sat next to him, waiting.

"I need to talk," Nick finally admitted. It was getting dark, Jacob could just see the outlines of his teammate's face. His jaw was set, his back rigid. "I need to say stuff out loud, get it out."

The moon began to rise and still Jacob waited.

"I can't say it to you, Jacob."

"You have to let something out, Nick. Soon." The contrast between Jacob's heavily accented, a little too-perfect spoken English and the blunt, slang-ridden language he used in telepathy made Nick smile a little, but his mind drifted back to the topic eventually.

"It won't work unless I say it to her."

"What stops you?"

"I can't find the words yet. She reads into things too much. I need the right words."

"You can't let out even a little?" his friend pleaded.

"Who's helping *her*, Jacob?"

A shrug, hidden in the darkness. "I don't know. No one, I suppose. She builds walls, you remember."

"I broke down all her walls once," Nick whispered. He tried to stop the memory, but it came rushing in on him anyway.

* * *

Three years after his emergence, Nick was still working with Lina. She was his teacher, his mentor, his teammate, but more, she was his friend. In stolen moments, they hung out in real life, having deep talks as well as joke-filled hours. Most of the time, it was Nick who came to Lina. She simply had less people in her life, and much more time to herself.

One of those stolen moments came in April. Long past needing an anchor to enter Lina's room, Nick barely checked that she was alone before teleporting in. The sight that met his eyes shocked him.

He'd never seen Lina when she was hurt. She built up a complicated series of sheilds around her mind, and usually one of the walls would simply slide up and shut out whatever was bothering her from the rest of the world. The general impression was that Lina was an ice queen, a real bitch, even if she was very good at what she did. Nick had learned otherwise, but still looked up to her as someone stronger than most, who understood his problems but never really had any of her own.

Now, she was sprawled out on her bed, hugging her pillow. The tears stood in her eyes, yet to be shed. But emotionally, he could feel hurt rolling off her like waves.

"Lina?"

Another shock, she hadn't even realised he'd come in. Her head jerked up, her eyes wide. A wall shot up, replacing the hurt with prickly annoyance, but he knew better now. He sat down on a corner of the bed. "What's wrong?"

She stared at him mutely. He put a hand out to her shoulder. She flinched but he insisted. The first wall slid down again and he felt her pain. It was as if the whole world was wrong and finding the words to tell him, even telepathically, would make it collapse completely.

Nick felt helpless, and so young. Lina never made him feel the three year age difference, but he felt it now, and more. There seemed to be no way to make it better. He pulled her into his arms, supporting her as best he could. She was still a little taller than he was.

"Please Lina, tell me how to help?" The worst part was the naggingly familiar feeling of her pain. It was the pain of rejection, of alienation. "What happened?" he persisted. Another wall slid down and she let herself cry.

Encouraged, he pushed in further, finding ways over, under, around, through the barriers until he got deep enough in that verbal telepathy was unneccessary. To his probing, sympathetic feelings he got a response, a memory so clear it was as if he'd been there. A memory of words said in hasty anger to a younger girl in Drama club at school. The apology had been swift, but so had repercussions. Friends, not-so-close friends, a teacher, her parents had all descended upon her with lectures and angry words, words that seemed to confirm many secret fears. She had worked so hard to get respect on that stage. There was a performance coming and how was she supposed to direct when everyone hated her? When she hated herself?

But what he learned didn't stop at the answer to his questions. An explosion of feelings, memories, knowledge... her whole soul spread out before him, washed over him. For the first time he understood everything, all the whys. He understood he could help, and give her the answers she needed. Without thinking, he let her into his own mind, showing her what she was to him, how much their time together meant. No matter what they thought of her she was not the horrible person she thought she was. And then he couldn't stop it either - she was in his mind and knew whatever she wanted to know about him. It was terrifying, it was intoxicating... it was so *right*.

* * *

Back from the depths of memory, Nick reached out again, caressed her mind in a wordless plea for entrance. When no answer was forthcoming, he turned to the nearest mind open to him - Jacob's and let his emotions, if not his reasons or memories, pour out in a seemingly endless flood.


	13. Chapter 13

Nick picked up his car from Mindi's and drove himself back to A.J.'s alone. It was about two in the morning and he was exhausted. He let himself in and stumbled up to bed, managing to remember to seal the room before falling asleep. In his study on the main floor A.J. heard Nick come in. He sensed Nick's fatigue and elected not to bother him.

Amanda had come home that evening similarly exhausted, but she was a light sleeper. A.J. was worrying about Nick downstairs so she could sleep. He stared at the computer screen which held the results of an hour's work on the Internet. It was tough finding a person when all you knew about them was their name and what they looked like.

Fortunately, or not, depending on how he thought about it, his first search, a People Search, had only turned up a few pages of results. There were about twenty-five "L Allen"s but only two Linas, both in the U.K.. Nick *had* said thousands of miles, so they were possible. But after that, he wasn't sure what else to do. He wasn't about to email both of them, asking if they were psychic. Also, he knew that most email listings were voluntary - Lina wasn't necessarily either of them.

His second search was of the world wide web itself. It occurred to A.J. that people put up pictures on webpages. Maybe he'd get lucky. He had been checking out the second page of results on *that* when Nick came in.

Nick's exhaustion was contagious. A.J. stared at the "12 pages of results" link with despair. This was going to take forever. Nevertheless he bookmarked the search before calling it a night.

* * *

_Teacher? Teacher? Please Teacher, I need help!_

Peggy's soft but insistent mental voice woke Lina from a restless sleep.

_What's wrong, Peggy? What do you need?_

_Shelter._

Lina's heart sank. Peggy was one of her favourite students, one of the kids she'd watched grow up, knowing that when they hit puberty they'd become part of the Community. She was bright, vivacious, totally self-assured. It wasn't fair.

_You came out to your parents?_ she kept talking while grabbing clothing.

_How'd you guess?_ The ironic tone to that thought told Lina that Peggy hadn't been entirely shattered by rejection. _I thought it would help them accept Jeremy._ She laughed bitterly. _Well, at least now there won't be any problem about seeing him publicly._

Jeremy was Peggy's partner. Her parents had had several problems with their 16-year-old baby girl dating a 19-year-old black boy. Apparently they had even more problems with the idea of their 16-year-old baby girl being psychic.

_Come on._ Lina teleported to one of her "safe" places,a tree-filled park a few blocks away from her house. She acted as anchor for Peggy, and gave the younger girl a hug when she arrived. "Are you going to be okay?"

Peggy's face was tear-stained, her impossibly pale face a shade paler than normal, making her freckles stand out like chocolate blotches on her skin. But her eyes were resolute, and she nodded. "I just need someplace to stay."

"Jeremy can't...?"

"I live in residence, Lina. I don't think that's going to work out." The words came from Peggy's lips but the voice was Jeremy's. "And my parents live in Montreal."

Lina blinked. Without thinking she asked, "Jeremy, what are you doing right now?"

"Psychology exam. I'll be done in an hour and a half."

"How can you..." she trailed off, biting her lip. "Don't answer that. All right. Someone who can take Peggy in. There's not necessarily going to be anyone in Toronto, you know?"

"I know."

"And you don't want mediation?"

Peggy looked at her feet and began to dig a hole in the dirt with the toe of one shoe. "I threw a vase across the room with teekay. I was upset, it smashed against the wall and knocked a crucifix down. Mother thinks I'm possessed."

"Oh." Lina gave her student another hug. There wasn't much she could say to that one, but she let her feelings of regret and support flow over the younger woman. "Now, get yourself on a bus and up to York. That'll give Jeremy time to finish his exam, and then the two of you can hang out."

"I'll be fine," Peggy insisted. "I have first period in ten minutes - I can't miss class."

"Peggy..."

"She doesn't need to be with me to lean on me," Jeremy pointed out through Peggy again. "I'll take care of her and pick her up after class."

Lina took a deep breath as she was reminded once again of the inadequacy of her once-partnership with Nick. "You know best," she admitted. "I'll put the word out. Call me if you need anything."

"Thanks," Peggy's smile was subdued but genuine. She had already ported to her high school when Lina got up the courage to ask;

_Was it worth it, Peggy?_

_Was what worth it?_

_Is... he enough, if everything else falls apart?_ Lina waited for an answer, suddenly conscious that even in telepathy Jeremy heard every word. The answer that came without hesitation was from both of them at once.

_If everything else falls apart, we'll build something new. It's never just us._ Peggy spoke solo again, _He's not my life, Teacher - he's part of me. I knew what I was doing when I talked to my parents. I would have talked to them eventually and they would have rejected me the same way, even without Jeremy in the picture. If you can't find anyone to take me in, there's a counselor at the school I've been talking to about my parents' attitudes. She'll find me something through the usual ways._

_Life goes on. We'll survive this._ Jeremy spoke directly to her for the first time and Lina realised that it wasn't a case of his protectiveness, but another side of Peggy speaking through Jeremy. She felt hollow.


	14. Chapter 14

"That's it! Y'all are as ready as your sorry asses are ever gonna be to go back on tour!" Fatima announced. A.J. flopped to the floor in mock exhaustion.

"I... thought... she... was... never... gonna... say it!" he panted.

"McLean, you're going to hyperventilate." Fatima warned.

"Dude you sound like the kid on Malcolm in the Middle," Nick smirked, standing over him.

"How old are you and you watch that show?" A.J. inquired, still on his back on the floor. The sudden banter from Nick was unexpected but he wasn't going to let it end there. He'd been quiet all week. Eventually even the dimmest person involved with the tour had noticed that there was some kind of distance between Nick and the others. The word most people used was "tension", although that wasn't true at all. Nick had immersed himself in the work at hand, barely speaking to the others during off moments, and disappearing completely once rehearsal was done. The rest of them didn't push it. A.J. let them all know that whatever he was doing was helping Nick hold it together somehow, so they were waiting him out. It looked like maybe he was ready.

"It's a good show," the younger man shrugged. He wasn't as easy to bait as he had been at twelve, or even nineteen. He offered a hand. "C'mon. I got something to ask everyone."

"Do my ears decieve me?" Howie joked as A.J. let himself be pulled into a sitting position. "Does my Lord Nick wanteth to speak to his subjects?"

"*Doth* mine ears deceive me? *Doth* my Lord Nick wish to address his subjects?" Nick corrected smoothly. "And yeah, I do."

"You been studying Shakespeare this week, Nicky?" Brian looked at him quizzically.

"It's a week of listening to A.J. romance Amanda."

The others laughed and A.J. turned red. "One poem. One!" he protested.

"Ok so it was maybe more Lina than me," Nick admitted. "But it fit."

_Keep your voice down,_ A.J. directed sternly. _Still people around!_

_You're getting pretty good, Alex. Mindi's a good teacher. _

_I didn't think you knew about that!_ Mindi had been tutoring A.J. on a few simple tricks all week. He now knew how to focus his thoughts so that another psychic could hear and choose to link to him, and he was getting fairly good at a light mental sheild to keep himself from eavesdropping on everyone within range.

_I'm not Deaf, bro._

"Break it up," Brian hissed. "A.J. looks weird."

"That's new. It really is." _Next session, get her to help you deal with the two-things-at-once trick._ "Anyway, yeah... I know it's Friday night and you guys probably have plans..."

"Well," Kevin drawled, "Brian's wife has kicked him out of the house for the night, and mine's abandoned me..."

"They called Claudia," Howie grimaced. "I'm a little scared of Saturday morning right now. Those three women..."

"Amanda actually wants to spend some time with you, Nicky. She's worried about you."

"Um..."

"I was going to tell her anyway." A.J. answered the unspoken question. "Maybe she won't freak out too badly with witnesses."

"You sure?"

He nodded, not quite calmly. Amanda could take pretty much any curveball he threw at her - sometimes he thought she enjoyed the challenge - but this was a big challenge.

"So, what'cha got planned for us, Kaos?" Kevin asked, throwing an arm around his friend's shoulder.

Nick coughed. "Moving out."

"You don't have that much stuff at my place.... oh." The four Backstreet Boys stared at their youngest member. "Wow."

"Wait, wait, wait!" Howie protested. "It's your house. Shouldn't Mandy..."

"She's looking." Nick cut him off. "I just wanted to get it over with before tour." He looked around at the sea of shocked faces. "I don't have that much crap, guys."

"Are you sure you want to do this, man?" Kevin searched Nick's face for some sign that this really was what he wanted. "You're not just doing this because..."

"I want to do this." Nick met his eyes with a steady gaze, "It's a starting point."

Kevin nodded.

"So, the big question," Brian broke in. "Will you feed us?"

* * *

Several hours later, around eleven, Amanda and the Backstreet Boys gave up on moving Nick in and collapsed together with a few pizzas in his new living room. There were still plenty of boxes left to be opened, and the room was pretty bare, but there was a sense of freshness about the whole house. The others had noticed the haunted look that came over Nick the moment he'd stepped back into his old house, and none of them needed to be psychic to see that he was simply more at ease here.

They all concentrated on their food for a while, enjoying a companionable silence and the feeling of being *really* together for the first time in weeks. After a while, Nick gave a contented sigh and stretched. He was lying on the rug, his legs in the air and head propped up on one hand. He looked across the room at A.J..

"Bone, I'm ready to listen, if you're ready to tell me."

The entire atmosphere of the room changed immediately. A.J. became extremely self-conscious, something that didn't happen very often. He glanced at Amanda, then nodded.

"Is this "Boy stuff"?" she asked warily. "You want me to leave, hun?"

"No..." Nick caught A.J.'s eye. _Start with me. Things will go easier from there._ "Nick wants to hear about the accident," he explained. "He's never really remembered it, and we haven't talked about it before. There's some stuff... I never told you. It's kind of hard to take. It's harder to believe."

"Go ahead Aje," Kevin pushed, "Say it."

Nervously, he began playing with his hands. How Amanda reacted to this would be a big clue to how she was going to react to *him*. Finally, he couldn't take it anymore. "Nick's psychic!" he blurted.

All eyes were on Amanda. She started, her eyes wide, her mouth forming an O. She stared at her boyfriend for a long moment, before breaking into giggles.

"Manda?" A.J. couldn't figure her out. He didn't feel any disbelief from her, just amusement.

She shook her head and held up a hand for him to wait. When she regained her composure, she looked over at Nick, a smile still broad on her face. "I know."

Four pairs of eyes stared at her. Nick just nodded slowly. "Always kinda thought you did. How?"

"In high school, my best friend emerged right in front of me. Telekinetic pyrotechnics. She's lucky it was just me around."

"Lydia's psychic?" A.J. sputtered.

"Oh I know her!" Nick grinned in recognition of the mental picture Amanda had of her friend. "*Wicked* teekay - she can thread a needle three blocks away in less than a second."

"She says you're better."

He shrugged in reply.

"Why is it that it was *him*" A.J. glared at Kevin, "who was all spooked about anyone being a psychic, and it's *me* who keeps proving it?" he demanded.

"You're not proving it," Howie denied.

"Oh yeah?" He started ticking off points on his fingers. "One of my best friends is a seriously powerful psychic. My *best* friend is allergic to psychic energy. The saxaphonist in my backup band is psychic. My girlfriend's best friend is psychic. And now *I'm* psychic. Tell me that doesn't prove *something*."

"It proves that you are a complete and total blabbermouth, Alexander" Brian drawled.

"Get him worked up enough and he'll say *anything*, won't he?" Howie grinned, thoroughly amused.

It still took A.J. a few minutes, plus the startled look on Amanda's face, to figure out what he'd said. He groaned. "Boy am I subtle."

"Subtle isn't the word I'd use, Bone" Kevin teased.

"Since when?"

"Huh?"

"Since when are you psychic and *why* has it taken you so long to tell me?" Amanda demanded, starting to get thoroughly annoyed. Nick went in for the save.

"Probably since the accident. No one realised it until Saturday. He hasn't told anyone outside this room."

"Since the accident?" A.J. hadn't had *this* talk with Mindi yet. He knew most psychics emerged in puberty and had pretty much assumed that no one had picked up on a weak reciever until it was impossible to miss.

"Well yeah. Most receivers have the potential, but it takes a trigger to get them up and working. I'm guessing that for whatever reason, you needed to be able to talk to the psychics around you, so you just switched yourself on."

"Oh," He turned back to his girlfriend. "Are you okay with this?"

"I will be. But..." she stood up, stretching. "If you're going to have some deep talks about psychic business or whatever, I want to get my head around this first. I'm going to go see what the girls are up to, and I'll see you later, k?"

"Promise?"

She leaned over and kissed him on the forehead. "Swear. I'm not g forehead. "Swear. I'm not going to run out on you over this, McLean."

"Good."

"Nicky, take care of him."

"Yes'm."

They waved their goodbyes and Amanda let herself out. There was silence for a moment, until Nick prompted gently, "What happened that night?"


	15. Chapter 15

Nick didn't make any comments through the whole recital, which ended up being a rehashing of the entire few days by all four guys. At the end of it Nick was so pale Brian was hovering, practically waiting for his best friend to faint. It took him a long time to get it together well enough to speak.

"I knew parts of that. Kind of. I mean I know it was you guys that got me out, and I pretty much remember when you came in to drag me out."

"You've already thanked us for that," Howie pointed out.

"Stop avoiding it."

"Can I be overwhelmed for just one second more, Alex?" he inquired sarcastically.

"No. Time's up," A.J. insisted. "You barely listened to the parts that didn't involve Lina. You've already thought about it, start talking. I know there's like, 6 million emotions right now. Pick one, start talking."

The two men stared at each other across the room. It was Nick who had to turn away.

"Dammit." He spoke almost to himself, "I never get to do stuff the easy way. The only way I could deal with this was to be happy about it, relieved, or angry at her. I killed "relieved" on Monday. Now you've gone and replaced "angry" with more "guilty"."

"Relieved?" Kevin ventured, surprised.

"I was, a little." he admitted, picking at the rug. "I always felt guilty about the whole Mandy/Lina situation. One day I was gonna have to make a choice. Lina made it for me when she left. Suddenly everything was easier - it was just me and Mandy, no problem."

"Except one," A.J. put in quietly.

"Yeah..." he sighed. "I always knew what my choice was going to be when it finally came down to it, and it wasn't Mandy. That finished off "relieved". Once feeling down, a million to go."

"I don't get how we managed to stop you feeling angry," Howie spoke up. "She's *gone*. She left you, no goodbyes, no explanation, she's *avoiding* you... why can't you be mad at that?"

"Because I *know* her." Knowing they all thought he was insane, Nick sought a way to explain. "It's part of being a partnership," he struggled with the words. A.J. bit his lip as Nick broadcast the idea. It was on the abstract level that Mindi sometimes called "the language of the mind", a language he wasn't anywhere near mastering yet. "We're... we *were* always connected, most of the time she was just a presence in the back of my mind but sometimes it was...not one mind, but..."

"I thnk I know, sort of," Brian tried to help out. "I was still me, when we were connected, but if you had the answer to something I needed to know, I suddenly knew it."

"That was...close." Nick's tone made it clear that it was a pale imitation. "I have all of her memories. I can stand back and analyse them, if I remind myself they're not mine. So I know her better than she knows herself."

"It goes both ways?" A.J. asked. Nick nodded.

"I *can't* be angry at her. Now I know she threw herself into saving me, and she couldn't. It's not like she abandoned me, walked away when I needed her. *That* I wouldn't understand, and I could get really pissed off at her. She fought for me every way she could and I bet you a million bucks if you guys had messed up she would've tried to help. I would have done it for her. We've always been there for one another, for everything..." Nick's voice dropped to a whisper. He stared at the rug, lost in memory. A.J. felt an overwhelming loneliness rise up and almost swallow him.

"I know *why* she does everything, except this. Whatever it is, she doesn't want me to know what happened. She's hiding behind walls the way she used to when she was hurting, blocking me out." He looked over at A.J. "She's hiding from *me*."

"I'd still be mad," Kevin shook his head, not quite getting it, but willing to be supportive.

"I miss her so much."

"Go see her," A.J. urged. "*Tell* her that. Fuck, I can feel it, you wouldn't have to say anything."

"Yeah, I would." Nick sat up. "Stuff like this has to be said. It's not enough to let her feel it, that's... it's not enough work. And if I say it wrong..." he shook his head. "Not yet."

* * *

A.J. crept into his house a little later. Amanda was curled up on a couch in the back room, Panda and Bear watching her closely. She looked up as he entered and smiled tentatively. "Nick's ok?"

"No, but he's working on it," he shrugged. "Are you ok?"

"Pretty close," she made room for him on the couch. He stretched out along its length and pulled her into his arms. She lay against his chest, thinking. He was tempted to listen in, but caught himself.

"I'm okay with it in general," Amanda mused aloud. "But this is *you*. I live with you, I make love to you. The idea that you can read my mind..."

"I can turn it off, y'know. Mindi's teaching me to get a handle on it."

"Lydia always says, if she can resist the impulse to get into her boyfriend's head during sex, it's a good bet she doesn't need to be with him." She looked up at him. "It's like the need to share the moment completely... you haven't felt anything like that?"

Her hurt washed over him. A.J. thought about it, had there been a difference lately? _Answer, anyone?_ He sighed, stroking her hair the way she liked it, until Amanda was nearly purring, although he could tell she was still waiting for an answer. "Nick's right. It's so hard to think up what to say."

"Think up?" She tensed again.

"Shh," he dropped a kiss into her hair. "No lies, remember?"

"Better not be."

"I'm only a receiver, Manda. I can't get into your head, I can only listen. I'm not sure you're not saying anything up there that I don't already hear."

"Alex!" she slapped him lightly.

"It's true!" he laughed. "We've been going out for years, wouldn't have lasted this long if I hadn't been paying some attention to you, babe."

"True," Amanda conceded with a smile.

"And, unless you're not telling me something, you're not psychic. I can pick up Mindi from three blocks away when she really wants me to. I know what room of the house you're in - when we're in the same house. Right now, I can tell what you're feeling, but that's it."

"Really?"

"Swear to God."

"But..."

"Amanda Latona, I'm still *me* and I am still so head over heels for you it's sick. Now shut up and kiss me."

She looked into his eyes for a long moment, looking for any sign of hesitation, any lie. Finding none, she gave in and kissed him. "Know what I'm thinking right now?"

"Hmm... let me see... you're glad Nick's not here anymore?"

"Exactly."


	16. Chapter 16

Lina's social life had become very busy over the past two months. Psychics who knew about this said she was avoiding herself. Now, the added noise helped to drown out any word from Nick, although she couldn't quite forget the mental caress she had felt one night that week.

Saturday night found her at the Reservoir Lounge with friends. The Res was small, dimly lit, and popular. There was a definite old school flavour to the whole place. She hadn't been in a while - it was nice to know the bouncer still recognized her and their favourite waiter was glad to see her. A nice, normal evening of Coke and chocolate mousse while her friends got comfortably less sober and they each drooled over their favourite member of the Saturday night band.

"What is wrong with men today?" Alice demanded suddenly.

"I know what you mean. All I want is just one man who I can think about getting naked with, without wanting to puke" Helen agreed, playing with the last olive in her martini.

"There's Kevin," Lina pointed out the band leader, whom Helen had a crush on.

"Kevin's so taken he doesn't count!" Helen waved her off. "Now, that guy at the table by the door who's been staring at us all night is cute, but I think he's probably a moron and I don't want to get naked with a moron."

"What makes you say that?"

"He waited until he'd had about seven beers -- and who orders Molson Canadian at the Reservoir, anyway -- before heading over here."

Lina had her back to the door, but knew from Alice's mischevious grin that she was about to be hit on. She steeled herself.

"Hey baby." Having taken a sacred vow never to respond to "baby", Lina ignored the fairly drunk newcomer. Undeterred, he took the empty chair beside her. "Hey kitten, if I rub you right will ya purr for me?"

Alice and Helen burst into laughter. Lina's reaction was just as immediate, if more hostile. "Please go *away*," she told him coldly. When he chose to stay, basking in what he though was the approving laughter of her friends, she stood instead.

"C'mon I was just tryin' to be friendly," he protested, grabbing her forearm.

Lina jerked her arm straight, so that her fingers were pointing to the floor and sent a telekinetic charge from shoulder to fingertip. "Leave me alone!" The unfortunate man flew backwards, falling off his chair onto the floor. Almost simultaneously the busboy dropped his container of dirty dishes off the table. In the confusion, Lina ran.

She didn't stop to think until she dropped into a seat on the subway. Her friends had seen her make quick exits before - at most there would be a "call us" message when she got home. But why had she reacted like that? Usually, like her friends, she reacted to being hit on with peals of laughter. And it wasn't as if everyone and their dog hadn't called her kitten. Hell, even her ENT specialist used to... wait, *dogs*.

* * *

_I'm home, the house is empty... you're not working..._ Nick left the invitation open-ended and she teleported in immediately only to burst into giggles. Her partner was stretched out on a lawn lounge chair covered in pugs. They were crawling all over him, one fuzzy, cuddly, hyperactive, ticklish mass. Nick was laughing too, but made no move to shoo his overenthusiastic pets.

Lina scooped up one small dog on the brink of falling off and sat on the grass with it in her lap. "So many dogs, Nickelodeon," she teased. "Not even one cat?"

"I only need one Kitten," he replied smiling at her. "And I have her already."

* * *

Lina bit her lip at the memory. Nick had only used the nickname once, but it was a reference to the number of times she'd "visited" his mind, curling up behind his eyes to watch and comment. He frequently imagined her as a small cat riding on his shoulder, curled around his neck, or tucked in his jacket the way Brian carried Tyke.

It was one of the things that had made them both so adamant that, flaws notwithstanding, they did have a partnership -- that urge to be together as often and as long as possible. Unlike normal partners like Peggy and Jeremy, their 24/7 link wasn't very deep and merging minds took effort, but it was an effort they made once a week at least, simply to be with each other.

Memory after memory surfaced, a parade of shared moments. Walking across the still campus at midnight, Nick watching through her eyes, half-wishing he too could attend university. The feel of cool water against Nick's skin as he took long, lazy strokes through a lake on a hot day. The comforting knowledge of his presence during a lonely subway ride after a tough day.

Her most intimate memory, only a year old, suddenly loomed large. Nick had been scuba diving when she joined him and the feel of welcome was overwhelming. Although she shared his memories and already knew what it was like to explore under the sea, he had always wanted to share the experience with her in real time. The colours, life and otherworldliness of the ocean were breathtaking. Names of fish flitted through their minds as an afterthought - Nick wasn't really taking note, it was just stuff he knew. What he really wanted to feel her reaction to was the stillness. Even as the area teemed with life and activity, they both sensed a serenity. It made them vibrantly aware, for the first time in a long time, of each other.

Normally, the physical was an afterthought. "Here, taste this!", or "Isn't this *hot*?" usually being all they dealt with taste, smell or touch. In that one moment though, Lina was acutely conscious of every move of Nick's body, every breath he took, the blood coursing through his veins, the feel of the wetsuit against his skin and of the greater pressure from the sea, a pressure that was all around them, pushing them together into one small universe where only the two of them existed.

She knew he was experiencing the same hyper-awareness of her own sleeping body. In any other circumstances, the sheer sensuality of the moment would have Lina pulling away, running scared. But this time she embraced it, let herself become aroused by it, acknowledged Nick's arousal. Time stopped, there were no words, only feelings.

The moment had faded away of itself, leaving a sense of peace that stayed with both of them for days afterwards.

Lina missed her stop, mourning blindly for the loss of that peace, certain she would never feel its like again.


	17. Chapter 17

Howie, ever organized, arrived in the V.I.P. lounge early Sunday night, having encountered only a few fans. He sank down into a chair and glanced around as he reached for the book in his carry-on. The glance turned into a double-take when he spied a familiar figure pacing the other side of the room. Sighing, he went over and fell into step with his groupmate.

"Nicky?" he asked warily. "How long have you been here?"

"'Bout half an hour," Nick muttered absently, still pacing.

"You're early for a plane flight," he pointed out needlessly. "You're not okay, are you?"

"Nope." The bald statement in such a quiet, flat voice scared Howie.

"I have sleeping pills..." he offered, feeling helpless.

"I don't think anyone wants to find out what could happen if I fall asleep on the plane," Nick noted bitterly.

"You're still floating things? I thought A.J. said..."

"He doesn't know. I sealed off my room." He paused in his pacing, glancing at Howie as a thought occurred to him. "Make sure you don't get the room with a connecting door to me."

"I can handle it, Nicky."

"Yeah, by staying *away*. I'm not gonna have you on my conscience too."

"On your conscience?" Something snapped for Howie. He'd seen Nick wait for this girl for years and enough was enough. "For God's sake Nick, this is *her fault*. She strung you along for years and then she left you. Wake up!"

"You don't know what you're talking about, D." It was said with no malice at all.

"And poor Mandy. I never thought I'd say *those* words, but you kicked her to the curb, just waiting for Lina to come back to you. She didn't deserve that. I mean she's deserved to be dumped once or twice in her life, but recently, she's been fine."

"What do you want me to do? I've been trying to fall for her for three years. You think 'cause Lina's gone I should just *resign* myself to her? Does she deserve that?"

"She could do worse." Nick made a rude noise.

"I know what it looks like, hell, it's one of the reasons I didn't disappear off to Toronto the second I realised she was gone..." he trailed off for a moment, then decided to leave that tangent alone for a while. "But D, until I do talk to her, I gotta believe in her. No one else ever does."

"And when is that going to be, dude?" A.J. inquired innocently, making himself known.

"This is fucking with your head," Howie nodded agreement, "It should be soon."

"I know," Nick shook his head. "I'm sorry it's messing things up for you guys."

"Nickolas Gene Carter if you don't stop guilt-tripping yourself I am going to beat you up."

"Sorry?" he managed a weak version of the patented Carter half-smile. "I'll hold it together, ok? Just.. we still have a day off in Toronto, right?"

"We'll keep it clear." Howie made a mental note.

"That's a couple weeks away!" A.J. protested.

"Toronto." Nick was firm, "I'm not teleporting off to see her this time. I'm going to do... whatever I do... in real life this time."

"So you're going to make yourself crazy until then? Man you just love torturing yourself don't you?" With an exasperated sigh, A.J. walked away. Howie and Nick watched him go.

"Hey Nicky?" Howie began after a moment. Nick inclined his head, listening. "Promise me something?"

"Sure."

"Before Toronto, try and explain to me what makes you so sure she's for real?" he grinned a little. "Gotta make sure she *does* deserve my little bro'."

Nick thought about it a moment. "It's hard to talk about her," he mused aloud. "But... maybe it'll help me figure things out. Okay." The two men shook on it.

* * *

Nick managed to keep up a pretty good facade. The agreed-upon lie was that he was fighting off the flu. It served to explain why he often looked tired, and sometimes didn't say much in interviews. The others marveled at how upbeat he was onstage, except for A.J. For him, the first night of the tour was a revelation.

A.J.had always fed off the enthusiasm of the fans, letting their energy boost his own.But that night, what he felt was truly staggering. It started as the doors to the arena opened, a peculiar buzzing. He saw Mindi and Nick exchange looks, then blatantly tell each other, so that he could hear,

_Keep him down!_

Instead of just high energy, A.J. was inundated with the actual feelings of several thousand fans. People who were excited beyond belief, hysterical, and surprisingly, to him at least, they *all* seemed to be at least a little lustful. As usual, the more he played to the fans, the higher they got, and the higher he got. The second the first ballad started, Mindi and Nick clamped down on him.

_Behave!_ they chorused.

_We don't need you screaming your parts to a *ballad*, nimrod._

_You're going to make yourself sick, just taking it all in like that,_ Mindi lectured. He felt a certain distancing from everything as they both worked to filter the raw emotions that were being thrown at him.

_You guys are no fun._

_And you're insane. It balances out,_ Nick joked.

After the show, A.J. bailed on the party early and sought out Nick to ask him some questions. Mindi was now officially his teacher when it came to all things psychic, continuing in the role she had started that night when the whole world had changed, but on this one, he needed Nick's perspective.

"How do you do it, man?" he asked,sinking down into a chair.

Nick knew exactly what he meant and grinned, "It's pretty great, isn't it? But you *gotta* keep control or you'll go nuts. You've seen some of the psycho things our fans do, if you leave yourself open to all of 'em like that... yikes."

"So how do you do it?" he repeated.

"Filters - I'll give Mindi a template of what I use, she can figure out whether or not you can handle it - and... I'm picky."

"Huh?"

Nick flopped forward on the bed to fix A.J. with an earnest gaze. "You got it all raw, you weren't payin' attention to the subtleties. Everyone's concert experience is different -- I pick out the dark spots. Some are having a bad day, feeling sick or tired, broke up with their boyfriend, had a fight with their parents... or something more serious. I try and pick 'em out, direct some of the positive energy back out at them, make them feel better. Others... " his face took on an expression of disgust.

"What?"

"There are some *nasty* people who come to our shows, Alex. Psychos who want to take one of us out, perverts looking to take advantage of an unsupervised young fan... it's ugly."

A.J. shivered. He'd known that as a fact, but he could see from Nick's eyes, feel it radiating off the younger man, that the evil and ugliness had touched his soul. "What do you do about them?" he asked softly.

"What I can." He sounded tired. "If there's a psychic cop in the building, I let 'em know. Sometimes I slip out after a show and follow someone home, make sure they don't do anything *that* night. Little stuff."

"Damn. When they say you had to grow up fast in this business, they don't know the half of it, do they?" A.J.'s respect for Nick rose another notch.

Nick shrugged it off. "Two choices come with power - corruption or responsibility. I chose responsibility. I don't regret it. Hardly ever, anyway."

A.J. knew without asking that the "hardly ever" had to do with Lina. They both knew that was a subject for another night.


	18. Chapter 18

 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_Lina - _

_I know this is against the rules, but I could give a shit. Nick's falling apart. We've all gotten real good at sheilding ourselves and each other from the public when things get hard, but in private he's a wreck. He's scared shitless of finding out why you left, but he's got a right to know. I'm leaving your name on the guest list for every show from Denver to Halifax. If you care about him the way he wants you to, you'll show up. _

_\- Alex McLean_  
  
---  
  
Lina stared at the letter, willing it to disappear. He had found her. How had he found her? There was really only one answer to that, an answer she didn't want to think about -- the internet.

"Dammit," she whispered. She had just gotten fully comfortable online again, deciding that he wasn't interested anymore. But if he was, he could find her again. A.J. had found her, probably not knowing more than what she looked like... Lina shook herself. *He* already had this address, and her phone number.

* * *

"Hello darling," the phone line was bad but the voice was unmistakable.

"I think you've got the wrong number." It was a new year, a new residence, he didn't have this number. The switchboard wasn't supposed to give out numbers!

"Are you sure?" he teased her in a paternal tone as infuriating as it was terrifying. She slammed down the phone, hands shaking. It rang again almost immediately. She hit the release button, then knocked the reciever off the hook.

Nick's concern began to worm its way into her consciousness. Lina fought to keep him out -- this wasn't his problem! She had been half-ashamed of her internet romance even before it blew up in her face. Now, she didn't deserve the attempts at comfort her partner was pushing on her. But she was tired, scared and alone. Eventually, he won.

It was 6 in the morning in Germany, time for Nick to start another hectic day. Since he couldn't visit to talk or even give his partner a much-needed hug, he pulled on her, giving her just enough time to settle into bed before bringing her completely into his own mind. She surrendered reluctantly to the rush of memories and feelings, keeping, as always, a little part of herself back. He knew her reasons. One more had added itself to the list - that something be kept safe, should he ever decide to turn on her, as *he* had done.

_Never,_ he assured her with force and passion, but no accusation whatsoever. Trusting was hard for both of them. He left it at that. She felt guilty for even thinking about it as the familiar feeling of safety and love that came from being anywhere near Nick took hold over her again.

As he discovered what was wrong and stilled her fear, other guilt surfaced. He called her on it. _You can't make me go out on dates *and* feel guilty about having a relationship. Doesn't work that way. I didn't resent him any more than you resent anyone I've dated._

And of course she resented them. Resented them for having what she couldn't have. Resented him for *not* waiting for her, even as her sensible side knew she didn't want him giving things up for her. But so had he. It was something they didn't talk about - that neither of them wanted this arrangement, that Nick's doubts about *him* had been partly out of jealousy. Jealousy at how Lina lit up the first time he saw her picture and called her beautiful. Anger at the many people in her life that had made her believe otherwise, resentment that he couldn't convince her himself. She knew he cared for her, but other than in rare moments of oneness like this one, wouldn't let herself believe he was actually attracted to her. And he couldn't prove it - it would have led to other things, deeper commitments, added complications.

_Forget about it_ she ordered fiercely, not wanting to deal with that now, longing to lose herself instead in his life for a few hours, to curl up behind his eyes and be with him as only she could.

* * *

"I pushed him away," she realised. "He was trying to help me through that, and I wouldn't let him." For possibly the first time, Lina recognized how blind she had been. While protecting herself from her partner, waiting for guarantees, she hadn't noticed how it hurt him. Nick had always been patient and understanding, waiting for her to be ready. "But there's only so much pushing someone can take. Was *that* why he wouldn't reach out to me?"

Survival mode, the kind of thinking Nick had locked into while dying on the bus, wasn't about waiting or patience. It was here-and-now, whatever it took to stay alive. If somewhere deep down, Nick couldn't trust her to hang on to him no matter what, of course he was going to go for someone else.

As the idea sank in, a more horrible one presented itself. She had pushed him away a lot - had she pushed him away beyond getting him back?


	19. Chapter 19

Wearing jeans, a baby tee, more makeup than she was used to, contacts, no hearing aid and the pass A.J. had left at the door for her, Lina blended into the crowd. The disguise was a substitute for the usual SEP field. While those were wonderful to hide from most people, announcing, "This is so bizarre, let someone else notice it instead" tended to get the attention of psychics and it was the psychics in particular Lina was avoiding. She pulled her personality deep inside, away from casual notice, leaving a psychic void around herself.

Hidden as best as she could manage, she watched. Nick looked happy enough, but she recognized from his expression that he was using the energy of the fans in the room and outside to keep up appearances. Which meant he wasn't all right. Which still didn't mean much.

The problem of the "missing" two months kept rearing its ugly head every time she wanted to believe it was *all* her fault. It was entirely possible, she reasoned, that Nick was only mourning what he thought they'd had. Like a man imprisoned for too many years, the open cell was a foreign concept, and the light hurt his eyes. And he *was* getting on with life.

_So are you,_ she reminded herself, _and you still want him back._

She kept moving through the crowd, staying away from Mindi, A.J. and Nick. Even if she wanted to talk to him (A.J. was right, she conceded, she should have had the decency to talk to him) where could it happen? It was too public here, his hotel room too private. If he decided to take the initiative and showed up at her front door it would raise extra problems they didn't need.

_Dammit Alex, did you *have* to open this can of worms?_ she sighed, departing.

A.J. stopped mid-sentence. Nick was so shocked he actually called out. "Lina!"

"Where?" Howie demanded, as an impertinent fan asked;

"Who's Lina?"

"I thought I..."

...saw her?" Howie interrupted quickly, afraid Nick was about to say something he shouldn't. "You just miss her too much Nicky."

"I guess so..." Nick slowly realised he was in public. "Sorry." He looked at the fan in front of him and the CD he was holding. "What's your name again?"

"Ellen. Who's Lina?" she persisted.

"My girlfriend," he explained, absently signing the CD. "Enjoy the show."

"But I thought..." Nick was gone, making a beeline for A.J.

_You can't beat me up in public,_ A.J. warned nervously.

_Sure I can, Alex. Think of the free publicity!_

_I was only trying to help, I swear! I didn't even know she was here until I heard her._

_And why was she talking to you?_

A.J. marveled at how good an actor Nick really was as Nick clapped him on the back in a friendly manner and pretended to say something in his ear.

_I kinda... I invited her._

_Nick,_ Mindi cut in, _Alex's still no good at two things at once. Take this in private now or leave it till after the show._

Nick stepped back, giving A.J. a long hard look.

_Don't be mad, I'll tell you everything._

_Okay Alex, later._

It wasn't one of the Boys' least tension-filled shows. A.J. was still nervous around Nick, Nick wasn't sure what to think, but was definitely in a bad mood, and Howie, Brian and Kevin didn't really know what was going on at all.

As they left the stage for the final time, Brian passed the word around. "Y'all are gonna be in my room twenty minutes after we get back, clear?"

* * *

When everyone had arrived, Brian took charge. "I ordered pizza, I want to see all cell phones on top of the TV. No one is leaving or talking to anyone outside this room until we are done."

Silently A.J., Kevin, Howie and Nick turned off their cell phones and placed them on top of Brian's TV. Arguing with Brian in this mood was just stupid.

"Nick, explain to me why a disappearing redhead has you on the warpath and A.J. scared of his own shadow."

"You saw her? Then she *was* actually here!" Nick glared at A.J. " That was Lina."

"The explanation for everything these days," Howie groaned. "We still haven't had that talk, Nick."

"One thing at a time," Brian ordered. "What did she do, Nick?"

"I think you'd better ask A.J. that." Nick continued glaring.

"Nickolas..." Brian warned, but A.J. cut him off.

"He's right." All eyes turned to him, adding to Nick's disconcerting blue stare. "Lina was here because... Nick you're taking too damn long. The longer you put it off the harder it gets, and the worse both of you feel. You needed a push. So I got on the internet and looked her up."

"*What*?" A.J. was suddenly pinned against the nearest wall, struggling to breathe.

"Frack, put him *down*!" Brian yelled.

A.J. coughed as he slid slowly to the floor. "Jesus Christ, Nick."

"On the internet??" Nick raved, "You *stalked* her? Besides breaking one of the *main* rules of the community you must have completely freaked her out. You have no idea what you did."

"I'm regretting it already," A.J. grumbled. "Look, *she* didn't beat me up."

"And remember Howie," Kevin pointed out.

"Oh yes, let's all remember Howie," Howie muttered. "He's likely to just pass out at any second, really."

"Nickolas, get a hold of yourself," Brian commanded, ignoring the others. "It's bad enough you're falling to pieces over this girl, but when you take it out on the rest of us...it's gotta stop."

"What is this, an intervention?"

"If it needs to be, yes."

"If I finish the story, will I live?" A.J. inquired sarcastically.

Nick rolled his eyes and fell back on the bed, but he was still listening.

"Right, uh...I didn't want to just e-mail her, too easy to delete and forget about it, so I found her home address. I told her Nick was messed up and that if," he paused, this part was important. "If she cared about him the way he wants her to, she'd show up." Nick didn't move but A.J. thought he might have felt a faint ray of hope from the younger man. "Then I mailed the letter, and put her name on the guest list for the tour. I guess she showed up tonight."

"Why did she leave?" Kevin frowned.

"Dunno. Scared, maybe? She sounded kinda sad."

""Dammit Alex, did you *have* to open this can of worms?"" A.J. started and the rest of them turned to stare at Nick, who had imitated Lina's voice precisely."She's confused. And what the hell made you think there would be a way for us to talk backstage before a show, Bonehead?"

"I thought, y'know...telepathy?"

"She doesn't want to touch my mind with a ten-foot pole. Just that broadcast told me more than she probably wants me to know."

"Are you sure?" Howie objected.

"Shut up, D."

"Oh come on. Aje gave her a great opening to appear, "accidentally" let you know she was there and tug on your heartstrings again. You'd fall for it."

"You have no idea what you're talking about."

"And you haven't done anything to help me understand. We've been on the road a week, Nicky. Admit it, you're scared I'm right."

"*You* drag up a memory that explains to all of us why *Claudia* isn't a manipulative bitch."

"What are you implying, Carter?" he shot back in a very dangerous tone. Nick sighed and sat up to look at him.

"I'm *implying* it's not that easy. You look back at some of our memories, she's controlling me - or teaching me, depending on how you look at it. She's encouraging me to get on with life and not dwell on the fucked-up thing that is our relationship - or she's guilting me into never really leaving her. She wants me to reach for my dreams with open eyes, and avoid bastards like Pearlman - or she just wants to be the only one in control. I can't *describe* stuff like that to you, D. The difference between one side and the other side is knowing her, knowing how she feels."

"How does she feel?"

"Confused. Hurt, scared, hopeful. She doesn't want to hurt me, but she thinks she's doing the right thing."

"You got all that from one sentence?" Even A.J. was skeptical.

"Dammit." A pillow flew across the room, exploded into a storm of feathers. "You're never gonna get it."

"We're *trying*, Nick. You're not exactly making it easy on any of us." Brian pointed out, more gently than he had been all night. "You're acting like you got left at the altar or something. You're our little bro - we want to protect you from feeling worse. Except for Mr. Cupid-with-Tattoos over there, of course."

A shadow came and went over Nick's face. A.J. had seen or felt that look plenty of times over the last fortnight. It was the "Lina" look. Nick was wishing he could talk to her about something yet again. "What would she say?"

"Huh?"

"Lina. You just did that thing again. What were you thinking she would say?"

"I was just..." Nick shook his head. "She protected me too."

Howie snorted and found himself on the recieving end of one of Nick's glares.

"Control again, right Howie? The idea that sometimes I needed protecting from you guys is insane? That sometimes you might push that button a little too hard, tease me just a little too long until I need someone else to remind me I'm not a complete idiot?"

The shocked silence in the room seemed to calm him down a little. He started playing with the bedspread. "I know you're only kidding, but sometimes..." Nick shrugged helplessly. "She knew how to get me over it."


	20. Chapter 20

It was the first 3 am of her period and Lina was in pain. Alternately curling up into a little ball, then stretching herself as long as possible, her tormented back pressed up against the cool cement blocks of her residence room, she moaned quietly and fought back tears. She had taken painkillers an hour ago, which had yet to kick in, if they were ever going to. The only partly-saving grace of the whole situation was that Wednesdays were her free days. If the pain ever did end, she could sleep as late as she wanted. Her downstairs neighbour turned on his stereo and Lina groaned once more, burying her head under her pillow and wishing people didn't love bass boost quite so much.

"_Hey,_" Nick's soft voice reached her ears and her mind. She rolled over to see him standing in the middle of the small room, looking worried. "Can I help?"

"Please," she almost wept with gratitude. Nick had skilled hands, and his back massages kept her sane on the months when nothing else worked. That is, if he could get away to administer one.

"Shove over," he whispered, sitting on the edge of her bed. She looked at him in disbelief.

"I know it's been a few months since we've done this, but you do remember this isn't even a twin bed? Why don't you just sit on me the way you always do?"

In the half-light from the window, she saw him wince. "I don't want to hurt you."

"Sweetheart, you're not what's hurting me just now."

"I've... gained some weight," he admitted so quietly she could hardly hear him.

"Oh Nick," she sighed. "Don't tell me you're self-conscious about that. You are nowhere near fat." Her back spasmed again, rendering her unable to give him any more of a pep talk, but convincing him to push her gently into position, so he could straddle her legs and work on the small of her back.

Once Lina was feeling human again, she dragged him back to the subject of his weight. "Have they been teasing you?"

"Yeah... they don't mean it, really. They tease me about everything." But there was a tremor of doubt in his voice.

"And management?"

Silence. Silence and waves of guilt from lectures, a spark of anger and more guilt over being angry. "I'm not a very good sex symbol, Lina."

"Whether or not you're a sex symbol really doesn't have anything to do with how you look, Nickelodeon." She sat up, pulling her legs from under him, and turning to look him in the eye. "It has a lot more to do with the day of the week, and what mood swing the teenyboppers are going through now. Brad Pitt is one of the ugliest men on the face of this earth and that doesn't stop him from being a pin-up."

He could feel her intensity, her earnest desire to convince him he was wrong. "This isn't about you being a sex symbol. This is about you being happy with who you are - not delusional that you're ugly because management is holding up a standard you don't fit. You're doing quite well as a sex symbol - the girls still scream, and the groupies still line up to get into your room."

"They'd line up anyway. They don't want *me*, they just want a Backstreet Boy." The mocking laugh of a groupie as she whispered to her friends when he passed, just loud enough to hear.

Her sympathy and warmth snaked around him before he felt her arms holding him close. "You don't deserve that. You don't deserve anyone who makes you feel like that." From the back of her mind, a small thought escaped, _I wish.._ but she caught it and tucked it away again.

Nick understood though, and pushed her away. "I don't deserve you."

"Dammit!" Her anger flared, not at him but at the people who made him feel this way. She stood up, pulling him with her, making him face the mirror. Light flooded the room, and he looked away, ashamed.

_No. You need to look. You need to see yourself._ Standing behind him, she slipped deeper into his mind, changing them from two constantly connected people, to almost one. He relaxed into the sense of completion, the almost total soothing of his nagging loneliness. _Now look,_ she commanded, slipping on her glasses and looking past his shoulder to the mirror. _Look with *my* eyes._ For a moment he resisted the compulsion, sure he would see only pity and half-truths.

She pulled him in anyway. _Tell me what you see._

"I..." he was startled, not quite willing to believe it.

_We can't lie like this._

His blonde hair was disheveled, they had gone right from the hotel to the bus - there was a SEP field around his bunk at the moment, where he was supposed to be sleeping - but she thought it was adorable. She couldn't resist thinking he'd be equally as adorable if he'd stop dying his hair, but she didn't push the idea.

She was aware of his zits, but barely noticed them. Every seventeen year old had zits, she still had a few herself, and his weren't anything out of the ordinary. They weren't nearly as large, ugly or noticeable as he thought they were.

His eyes... she moved him quickly away from contemplation of his eyes, the only word he really caught being _dangerous_.

She noticed his drummer's arms - that he did have muscles. He hadn't thought anyone noticed, that they were his own half- imagined vanity. The hands he thought were too large, she admired, twining her fingers with his, remembering their effect on her lower back.

He dragged their eyes to his gut, trying to get her to see how disgusting it was, how huge and fat. He pulled out her memories of the Quit Playing Games video, looking at Howie and Kevin's muscles. She rejected the images as overdone, annoying vanity. A.J. could stand to gain a few pounds. Brian's body was nice enough but... to his surprise, her hands reached up and pulled his shirt off. She stroked his tummy, playing with the hair that traced a line from his belly button. She *liked* touching it, he realised with shock.

_Of course I do._ She ran her hands up to his ribs._I can still feel em. If I could see them I'd be worried. Now tell me,_ she insisted, hugging his waist. _You need to say it, admit it's true._

"I see a healthy seventeen year old, in the middle of growing out of cute into handsome," he blushed a little at what he was saying, but it was what she saw. "He's not perfect, but he's far from ugly. Maybe he could stand to lose a few pounds, if he wants, but likely nature will lose it for him."

_Do you believe it?_ she asked, now using his eyes instead of her own. His opinion of himself still wasn't as high as hers, but now he couldn't shake what he had seen.

"Yeah," he told her with some relief.

_Good._ Still joined, they looked at each other in the mirror, their eyes locking. She was still hugging him, her chin resting on his shoulder, a little higher than she could comfortably reach. Her lips were so close to that spot...

She broke the contact abruptly, turning away from him. Nick sighed, accepting it wasn't because she didn't find him attractive. The desire had come from both of them. What she couldn't face was the idea of being a mistress, hidden away from friends and family. A secret confidante was one thing, a secret lover something completely else. He couldn't change that reality for her, and would never push her. He could only keep hoping.

* * *

A quiet sigh brought Nick back down to earth. He'd forgotten his captive audience, forgotten he was speaking at all. It was A.J., of course. He'd gotten caught up in Nick's emotions directly, so the story had more impact. But it was Howie who spoke first.

He cleared his throat and looked at A.J."Hey Cupid?" he asked quietly. A.J. looked over at him. "I think Nick's gonna need another of your brilliant plans."

"I dunno, I think the last one was a flop, bro."

"You got her here, didn't you?" With his family behind him, Nick began to feel more hopeful. "That's better than I did."

"Luck."

"Sure," Kevin spoke up slowly. "But if you knew more about her, maybe not. And Nick knows all about her."

A.J. shrugged. "She's running away, I'd say chase her."

"Now?" Nick blanched.

"Nick, it's like, two in the morning. Of course not now. Show up at her door. Or at work... does she work? How old is she?"

"Twenty-four." He ran a hand through his hair, "I can't show up at her door. Her family doesn't know. And at work... she works right across from that hotel we always stay at in Toronto - it's a huge building with lots of marketing people for God's sake. Someone's gonna recognize me." He began to get agitated again. "We've gone over this dozens of times, you really think we never tried to meet up? It always came down to someone would recognize me and wonder, or you guys would ask questions. The "someone would recognize me" part is still there. It means explaining stuff we can't explain."

"Well, what were you going to do once we got to Toronto?"

"I don't know! Call her up and keep calling until she stopped hanging up? Hang around the lobby of her building at lunch time and kidnap her?"

"Nah that's not gonna work," A.J. shook his head. "No hit-and-miss. There's nowhere she hangs out regularly, no time she *used* to set aside to talk to you? If she's moping as much as you are, she'll still be free then."

"Well..." Nick chewed his bottom lip thoughtfully, but shook his head. "Not anymore."

"Spit it out, Carter."

"It's stalker. And she's probably got a sheild up."

"It's what?" Howie teased. "Love the grammar, Nicky."

"Nick, it's you. I think she'll understand."

He sighed and explained, "Seven am. Lina's so not a morning person, she sets her alarm half an hour early and keeps hitting snooze until she really has to get up. It's always been a good time for long talks."

"While she's in bed?" A.J.'s eyebrows did an expressive dance.

"Cut it out. If I said one word about something like *that* she'd send me to the moon."

"Could she?"

"With a little effort," he nodded.

"So even if she doesn't have a sheild up, she can get you out of there if she needs to? She never has to feel threatened?" A.J. pressed.

"Guess not." Nick conceded.

"Then how is it stalker?"


	21. Chapter 21

Lina woke up slowly as was her wont. She was warm, comfortable and safe. She would have to get up and start getting ready for work in half an hour but for now the real world could wait. She rolled over to reset her alarm, then stopped, realising it wasn't the alarm that had woken her up. One clue was that the clock read 6:45 am. The other slight hint was Nick, sitting on the edge of her bed, looking down at her fondly. He'd been stroking her hair, she realised.

"Am I dreaming?" she asked softly.

"Nope," he replied with a smile.

The real world wasn't scheduled to invade until 7:30. That included the whole Nick mess. Which meant that this was definitely not the real world. So, she pushed back the questions and simply smiled back.

"I missed you."

"Missed you, too." He patted her knee. "Sit up."

Obediently, she pulled herself into a sitting position.

"I thought you'd have a sheild around the room," he remarked casually as he arranged himself to sit crosslegged, facing her.

"Some nights," she agreed. "I forgot last night."

"What happened?"

Lina shrugged. "My visit yesterday took a lot out of me. Too tired to think of it, I guess."

"That's not what I meant." He was still gentle but his eyes were serious, determined. "What happened that night?"

"Not now, Nick."

"Yes, now. Right now, in the," he checked her clock "Forty-two minutes between sleep and the real world, is our time. We can't talk about this in the real world, we both know that. And you won't let me in whether you're awake or asleep. So now is the only time where I can find out what happened that just destroyed everything we had. And if you don't tell me I'm going to lose it, because I don't remember. I don't know what I did, or what you did, or what the hell *happened* to blow my heart to bits."

"If you understand, you'll..."

"Try and talk you out of this. Of course. Did you really think I wouldn't try anyway?"

"Took you awhile," she pointed out.

Nick frowned. "I'm still working on that one. It *doesn't* mean I don't need you. It just means I can survive without you. We knew that already."

Lina was silent and Nick knew he'd hit a nerve.

"See, I still know what you're thinking even when you won't let me in." He leaned over and took one of her hands in both of his. "Tell me what sent you running and we'll work it out together."

Lina avoided his gaze, thinking. _If I tell him, he's going to make an excuse, we'll be stuck back in the same evil pattern and eventually he'll leave anyway._ But her eye fell on A.J.'s letter. _I push him away too much. This one at least, is his choice too._

She saw the surprise on Nick's face when she raised her eyes, nodded, and began to talk.

"Everything was normal at first. I mean, you were paralysed, were losing blood, had a head wound and that mangled arm, but it was *you*. You're so stubborn that at the back of my mind I always assumed I'd get you out in time." She bit her lip, already getting upset.

"But you were so tired. You started leaning on me before I even got you conscious and it just got worse. You were awake by force of will... your dumbass need to get them all out yourself!" she snapped at him, eyes wet. "You didn't trust me to do it? I could have. If you'd just let me get you out of there first..." Nick couldn't read her mind but he knew what else she was thinking.

"It was my choice. If you'd fought me I would have died on the way out."

"This is worse!" she yelled. "If you were dead, at least I'd never have to face the fact that when it gets down to your very core, *you don't want me*!"

Lina was shaking violently now and Nick grabbed her to keep her from hurting herself.

"Lina?" her father called in from the hall, still half-asleep. Nick flicked the TV on loud and did his best Lina imitation.

"Huh? I can't hear you over the TV, Dad!"

"Oh," Mr. Allen replied and continued on his way downstairs.

There was nothing he could say, nothing he could do. Nick had never felt so helpless. Lina's sheilds were still up tight against him, she didn't want any mental comfort. All he could do was be there while she let it all out.

The idea that he didn't want her was completely ludicrous. It was also her biggest fear, a large part of why she had always held back from merging her mind completely with his. That the person closest to her in the world would reject her, the same way she ultimately rejected herself... He wondered at the bizarre sense of loyalty that had kept her from running away immediately, and ultimately saved his life.

But what had he done? He racked his brains, trying to dredge up memories of that night. A sudden thought of A.J.'s horrendous singing performance flickered past, but nothing else.

When she was all cried out, Lina pulled away from him and sat up again. "You still want me to go over all of it," she stated in resignation, knowing him too well. He nodded.

She began a monotone recitation. "Once you got Kevin out, you stopped trying. You let go of me, you just wanted to lie there and rest. Without me holding you up, you didn't have much energy to use for living -- you pulled back into your safe place. I had to get a boost to go after you. I begged you to wake up, reminded you it meant dying if you stayed there -- no reaction. I threatened you, pleaded with you not to leave me -- no reaction. It wasn't until I reminded you that *they*..." her voice broke again, "they needed you -- then you reached out just enough for me to pull you out."

Lina sighed again but she had no tears left to cry. "When I woke up, I hoped I was hallucinating. Then Jacob told me you needed them to wake you up. I knew it was over."

Nick didn't know what to say. Something in her story sounded wrong but his memory refused to provide evidence to back up his instincts.

"You don't remember, so don't try to argue with me on interpretation," Lina continued in the same dull tone. He challenged her anyway.

"If I subconsciously don't want you, why am I doing the furniture trick every night?"

"The... Nick you pulled that for *homesickness*. I know you miss me, but you miss me like you miss a cavity once it's out; it wasn't good for you, but you forgot what it was like not to have it."

"Would you shut up?" he groaned, frustrated. "You are not a cavity!" Nick glared at her wordlessly until he had calmed down a little. He reached out and traced her jawline with one finger, searching her deep green eyes. "Don't you *want* to look for another answer?"He watched her body relax at his touch, as it always did, no matter how angry or scared she was. "If you really, truly don't want me anymore, I'll deal with it. But if you just left 'cause you thought I was going to leave first..."

She dropped her eyes.

"Tell me right now that you don't want to see or feel me ever again and I'll leave," he demanded. He caught Lina's chin, forced her to meet his eyes again. He saw terror reflected in her eyes. This wasn't where she wanted to go with this. Her mouth worked, trying to form the words... then she tore herself out of his grasp, looking away.

"Nick just go!" The words were shaky at best. Nick had his answer.

"Howie's kind of right, as much as I hate to admit it," he mused, watching her. "This is about control. You're afraid of losing control - but not of me, of yourself."

She nodded without looking at him.

"What's wrong with losing control sometimes?" he asked softly. He didn't expect an answer , and got none. To tell him would have been to completely lose whatever control she had left of the situation and Lina just couldn't do that.

"Please Nick, go away." He had pushed her farther than he'd meant to, but he'd gotten *somewhere*.

"I will... on one condition."

...

"If you've got any free time after work, come spend it with us. Watch the show, really meet the guys... work on this a little more, if you're up to it."

"In public?" She stared at him in shock.

"Yeah, in public. In the real world. You and me."

"I..."

"Don't say no," he coaxed, then grinned at her. "Otherwise I'll be stuck here all day and people will get pissed off at me."

"I'll be there." It was barely audible, but it was a promise. Satisfied, he leant over and kissed her on the forehead quickly.

"See you tonight."


	22. Chapter 22

While Nick spent the day being alternately hyper and worried to death, A.J. found himself cornered by Mindi.

"Alexander James McLean," she began in a severe tone, "you are an idiot."

"You gonna choke me to death too, Mins?"

"No, but I might smack you around a little," she replied evenly.

"I don't get it. What did I do that was so wrong? I *helped*, didn't I?"

"You broke a cardinal psychic rule. Psychics do not contact each other in the real world unless they can find a real world reason they might meet. It makes life hard sometimes and occasionally, it can be bent, but it cannot be broken. Especially," she poked him in the chest, "not by famous people whose entire lives are a matter of public record!" Mindi smacked him upside the head.

"Ow!"

"Don't you think? Ever?"

"What do you mean?"

"Nick and Lina have spent years looking for a way to meet that their families, friends, the international media and your fans will believe. Now if someone asks, how did *you* meet her?"

"No one's gonna ask that!"

"Really? Alex, anyone Nick's talked to today about okaying her visit, talked to you last week about your "friend" Lina. Everyone's assuming you introduced them."

"Uh oh."

"So start thinking."

* * *

At just after five, Kevin was seriously contemplating putting a leash on the youngest of his groupmates and telling him to "heel". Nick hadn't been able to control his high spirits all day, fooling around in both their radio interview and an instore. Kevin felt decidedly sorry for the poor reporter who had chatted to Nick on the phone for ten minutes. He had pulled it together long enough to get through soundcheck, but with that done and Lina almost finished work, his pacing was driving everyone nuts. When Nick whizzed by their table for about the twentieth time, Kevin finally lost his patience.

"Nick, sit!" he barked. Startled, Nick immediately dropped to the floor cross-legged. Brian chuckled.

"Now, roll over," he drawled.

"Yeah Nicky, give us a paw!" Howie chimed in, patting the blonde head.

"I feel the love in this room, I do." Nick growled. He pretended to bite Howie, who just laughed and went back to the buffet.

"What's gotten into him?" Randy, Kevin's bodyguard, asked good-naturedly.

That, of course, was part of the problem. Back on tour, the Backstreet Boys *tried* to have as much private time as possible, but at the moment they were surrounded. The impromptu canteen deep within the arena was populated by not only the Boys but their security, various PR and management people, dancers, band members, and a few techies, not to mention the catering staff themselves. The area was huge, and few people stayed long, but it still wasn't a place for having conversations about psychic affairs.

Kevin caught a look pass between Nick and A.J. For a moment, he almost wished he was psychic himself.

_You're quiet. Plan worked, I thought you'd gloat!_

_Mindi gave me a lecture. I'm trying to think up a how-I-met-Lina story._

_Ohh. Good luck._

_You've really been trying for years?_

_Oh yeah. It's not easy to explain how a kid from Ruskin and a girl from Toronto would meet, much less hook up. Hey!_ Nick jumped to his feet, completely losing his train of thought. _She's here!_

_Huh?_ A.J. looked around.

_Outside the venue. She just 'ported in._

"Nick?" Brian questioned warily."Y'ain't gonna go running off somewhere, are you?"

"He's gonna stay right there," Kevin responded without missing a beat.

_How do you know?_

_How tight are you sheilding? Listen!_

Some psychics percieved energy as light, colour, or smells. A.J., predictably, percieved energy as sound. He listened hard for a moment, ignoring the mild hum of non-psychics, the dull roar that was Nick, and the soft saxaphone melody that meant Mindi. Soon, he pinpointed a new sound. He understood Nick's disbelief the moment he heard it. Lina was sheilded, like any other psychic, but she still rang with power like a set of church bells. It was pretty damn impressive.

"Nick, go get something to eat!" A.J. looked at Brian, almost laughing. At this point their groupmate was beyond hearing anything but those bells. But he got the point. It had been easy enough to pass off the rest of Nick's odd behaviour as going silly over a girl. Now, he was just plain weird.

_Nick, SEP field._

_No!_ Nick's response was vehement. _This is going to actually happen. People are going to remember it._

_Leave him alone, Alex._ Mindi had, not completely coincidentally, chosen this moment to grab some food. She sat at the other end of the room. _This is their moment, messed up as it is. But Nick, make an effort!_

With a sigh, Nick wandered over to the buffet and pretended interest in the deli trays. A.J. sensed the others' frustration and knew they were going to have another group meeting that night just for curiosity's sake.

Randy's radio beeped. After listening to the message, he nodded and leaned over to Kevin. "Hyper Man's girlfriend is here. You wanna tell him?"

"She's on her way down?" at Randy's nod, Kevin shook his head, realising why Nick was even worse at the moment. "No thanks. I like my ribs, don't need 'em cracked in a hug. Just leave him."

* * *

Lina could have made her way down alone. The Boys had played this arena before, she remembered the layout. And even if she hadn't, Nick's shining energy was a little difficult to miss. For the sake of appearances, she consented to an escort. She picked up from various people that she encountered that people assumed she was an acquaintance of A.J.'s and got some idea of how Nick had been acting all day. The person leading her to the canteen was dying to know what she'd done to have such an effect on Nick, but was too professional to ask.

Lina herself was nervous. She had no idea what she was going to say or do. The whole idea of actually meeting Nick in real life, in public, was scary. This wasn't a planned thing they could really explain, either. On top of that, she wasn't looking forward to the inevitable fight any talk about their problems was going to cause

But still...

Meeting in public had been their unspoken goal for years. The "one day" that would somehow make everything fall into place, bring them to the full partnership that everyone said they were incapable of. Now that the moment was here, Lina knew it wasn't going to solve everything, but how could she resist? Even with the partnership in ruins it had so many implications - Nick had made the perfect peace-offering. She entered the canteen with the tiniest bit of hope in her heart.

Nick tried not to react to Lina's presence, but it was a losing battle. To his psychic senses, the room lit up the moment she entered. He was barely able to restrain his impulse to reach out for her mind, a gesture she had made clear would send her running. Telling him he couldn't look either, was demanding the impossible. He drank in the sight of his partner moving hesitantly towards him.

Lina felt Nick's gaze on her and swore she wasn't going to look...until she threw herself off balance manoeuvring between a chair and a crew person. Their eyes locked. Those blue eyes were so dark, so intense, so wanting. A girl could drown in those eyes. Millions did, but right now those eyes were only for her.

Nick didn't realize he was standing until he felt A.J.'s hand on his arm. He tore himself away from those magical green eyes and looked down.

_Love at first sight's one thing. Don't be so obvious._

_Wise advice from the idiot who got us into this._ But since he was right, instead of going to her, he gave Lina a wave.

Having regained some sense, she simply smiled back and quickened her pace a little, as if she'd only just figured out where he was. She even remembered to stop and greet A.J. before finally reaching her destination.

Once he had her in his arms, Nick wasn't entirely sure he could let her go again.

"Is this really happening?" he whispered low into Lina's good ear.

"If it's not, don't tell me," she replied quietly. "God Nick, why did this have to wait till now?"

For once, he was the one to put her off. "Later." For just one minute he didn't want to think about anything at all, wanted to just feel her, real, alive, there with him. Because one minute was maybe all they'd ever have.


	23. Chapter 23

After that one-minute embrace, when it seemed as though even God couldn't have torn them apart, Nick and Lina were content to just be around each other. Now it was A.J. who looked as if he'd just taken a happy pill, not quite sheilded from the happiness they weren't showing to the rest of the world. Lina soon noticed and tossed an olive at him.

"Snap out of it Aje, you're dreaming of Amanda again." They all laughed and A.J. grinned sheepishly, strengthening his sheilds.

Howie laughed with the rest, but in the back of his mind, he was considering this enigma of a woman Nick loved so deeply. He believed now that she did love him back. Nick's story, added to the picture he could not shake, of Lina crumbling from anger to despair in the hospital, convinced him of that. And yet she pushed her love away until his heart was breaking.

She could sit here and casually hide the whole history of that love, making sure others didn't give her away. Even little things, like taking a seat across from Nick instead of next to him... would that be so bad? Inadvertently, the question rose to his lips.

"Why sit there?" he asked. All eyes turned to him. He shifted uncomfortably but continued, "Rok, you could move. Or I could move and Nick could sit here."

Lina went pink. She glanced at Nick, then down at the table. "It's okay," she murmured, her voice dropping to an embarrassed whisper.

"It's no problem," Howie assured her, still pushing the issue.

She sighed, then seemed to gather her courage. "No Howie, I prefer to sit here." With an effort, she made herself look at A.J. instead of Nick, upholding the lie. "You forgot, huh Aje?"

"Um?" A.J. figured it was safe to look puzzled.

Lina reached up and did something to her right ear, then laid her hand on the table. Resting in her palm was a small appliance that resembled the in-ear monitors the Boys wore in concert.

"I read lips," she explained, her voice still soft.

The Boys stared at the clear plastic mold, attached by a small piece of tubing to the light beige of the hearing aid itself.

"It's not *bad*," she went on, mainly to fill the silence. "I can get through a day without it. I just say "excuse me" a little more."

Nick's hand covered hers. "S'okay," he said with a grin. "This way I get to stare at you all I want."

Howie watched the woman who had bawled Kevin out without blinking turn a deep rose at the implied compliment. Lina ducked her head and waited for a response from the others.

"Hey Lina, y'think Kevin could borrow that thing?" Brian suddenly piped up.

"Huh?" Kevin blinked at his cousin.

"He's an old man," Brian continued in a stage whisper. "Sometimes his ears ain't what they used to be!" He got a dinner roll in the face for his pains.

That bridge crossed, Lina faded into the background like any other visitor. She was present and listening, part of some of the discussion, but as much as the Boys wanted to interrogate her, she had to remain simply Nick's latest crush as long as they were in public.

The two of them didn't get any real alone time before the show. The closest they came to that was a round of MarioKart in the games room, sitting crosslegged on the floor away from everyone else but still too close to say much.

"How long can you stay?" Nick asked her, figuring it sounded like a natural enough question.

"When are you leaving?" seemed the safest reply.

"Around seven tomorrow. Nobody's ready for three am bus travel again." He shuddered.

Lina paused the game. "Nick, I'm...sorry."

He nodded without looking at her. "So'm I."

After an uncomfortable minute of watching a still screen, he asked again, "So, how long can you stay?"

"We'll see."

"Tease."

"You knew that before you met me. Or didn't A.J. tell you *anything*?"

"Oh, he told me plenty," Nick teased, a sudden gleam in his eye. He could use this to his advantage.

"Really?" Lina had a pretty good idea where this was going, and had no out. She decided to go along with it. "And what did everyone's favourite match-maker say?" Jokes within jokes. She'd never really allowed herself to flirt with Nick before. Now that she was in a situation where everyone expected it, where she *had* to, to keep things believable, it was fun.

"He said you were smart... funny..." with each adjective Nick leaned closer, let his voice drop a little lower. "A good writer... and beautiful." His eyes flickered over her face.

"Beautiful?" she repeated softly, mesmerized.

"Okay," he whispered back, tracing her jawline with one finger, "so that was my word." Gently, he cupped her face in his hands and pressed his lips to hers.

Nick wasn't entirely sure how Lina was going to react. When he felt her kissing back, he lost himself in the moment, savouring her sweetness, her warmth, her softness, but most of all, her nearness. He slipped an arm around her waist, pulling her closer - and heard an explosion. MarioKart had come unpaused and someone had died. Lina began to giggle against him and the moment was lost. Nick growled with frustration, pulling away a little. She just laughed harder.

"You think that's funny, do you?" he grumbled, before giving into laughter himself. He pounced, tickling her until they were both hysterical and breathless. When breathlessness turned into a coughing fit for Lina he let up, supporting her until she could manage to inhale properly again.

"See how easy it can be to just let go, go with the moment?" he whispered into her ear.

"Yeah," she sighed. "And then look what happens."


	24. Chapter 24

The show was probably Nick's best since getting back on tour. Not only was his energy level through the roof, he was flirting with absolutely everyone; the dancers, the band, the fans, even A.J.. It was all a cover, so he could allow himself a wink or a smile at Lina. He'd gotten used to doing shows without her in his head, so when he wasn't either singing or dancing, he contented himself with looking. While she was occupied with lipreading one of the other guys, he stared at her, just watching. Watching as she tucked a stray lock of red hair behind her ear, hearing aid in her purse, just another girl deafened by the music.Watching her jeans, her hips, move in time to the music, watching restless hands that longed to be up in the air, but had no room to move. Watching lips mouth lyrics, all the things he knew she did at a concert but had never actually seen her do.

Lina was disoriented. She'd never been to a Backstreet Boys show without being in Nick's head. Since they were so close, and essentially doing the same thing anyway, the energy drain and general distraction that usually went with an almost-total connection weren't a problem at shows. To see it from only one perspective, lacking the double-vision where she saw Nick's POV and her own simultaneously, made the whole show seem two dimensional. Lina felt distanced from the experience, as if it wasn't really happening. She tried to be happy that Nick wasn't pushing her boundaries, trying to bring her into his head, but didn't he miss it too? When a bodyguard summoned her out of the crowd before the finale, she was actually a little relieved.

After the show it was decided without actually saying anything that there would be a group meeting in Nick's room. With nowhere else to go, Lina ended up in Nick's room, feeling at a loose end while her partner, or ex-partner? showered. She idly unlocked his suitcase. Tucked in a corner lay their game - something she had bought him for teekay practice. It was a small, worn Nerf ball, and a plastic hoop, the kind you could loop over the back of a door. He never played it with anyone else, yet he had brought it on this tour with him. Lina smiled gently.

"What'cha got there?" Nick emerged from the shower in a wifebeater and baggy jeans. She showed him and he laughed. "Wow, I didn't know I brought that! I guess it's been in the suitcase since it got rescued from the bus wreck."

Lina hid her disappointment by turning away and attaching the hoop to the door. "Wanna play?"

"I was going to go for a walk."

"But they'll all be here soon."

"I know. But if I stay much longer I'm going to start asking questions and we'll fight."

"I know," Lina sighed. "And we need to get some stuff clear before we fight."

"So I'm going for a Coke. There's a machine down the hall. Want anything?"

"No thanks." He shrugged and slipped out the door, leaving Lina with her memories.

* * *

After a shower and change of clothing, Howie knocked on the connecting door. After Nick's warning, he'd actually made a point of getting the room next to his little bro, without saying so of course.

"It's open, Howie." Lina called out. He surpressed his surprise, because *of course* she knew who was at the door, she was psychic, and came in. Lina was alone, sprawled out on the bed, watching the Nerf basketball Nick always had in his room, go into the hoop set up on the back of the main door. He watched as it fell though the hoop, stopped an inch or so before it hit the ground, swooped over to the opposite wall, paused, and flew through the air towards the hoop again. This time it missed and Lina laughed as it hit the door, then froze mid-air on the rebound."Nick's down the hall getting a Coke," she commented, sitting up and letting the ball float down to the foot of the bed.

"He's got a whole fridge full of..."

"We didn't want to be alone together until after you all give me the third degree," she explained. "I'll just get worked up."

"You guys are..."

"Twisted?" Lina shrugged, a wry smile on her face. "I know. Hey, if you're lucky I'll be gone after tonight."

"If I'm lucky you'll be around for a while, and Nick will quit moping."

She let that one pass. "So, everyone's telling me he's falling apart, I notice that A.J. seems to have emerged as a reciever...how are you doing, D?"

The casual way she said it, as if she'd known him for years, unnerved him. "Um..."

"If we're all going to get through tonight," Lina took on what must have been her "teacher voice", "you're going to have to remember I know you about as well as Nick does. I played awkward in public, but we're not in public and it's *such* a relief to just drop the act."

"I know that...it's just weird." He finally picked a chair and sat in it. "I've been okay - when people aren't asking if I'm okay."

"Oh?"

"Sometimes Nick treats me like I'm made of glass."

"Oh." Lina nodded understanding. "He's freaked out at the idea he could actually hurt you. How bad is it? I wasn't around for final diagnosis."

"It's not really. As long as I don't get into a ... a place? Situation? where it gets a chance to build up in my system... all I have to do is avoid direct contact."

"Enough to make him nervous, though. Nick never does anything destructive psychically. Even when he's mad, he might throw things around but they never break. The idea that what he uses to help people could mess you up isn't one he'd like."

Howie stared at her ""Never does anything destructive?" You didn't see him last night."

She frowned. "What happened?"

"He had A.J. up against the wall."

"WHAT?"

"That was what he said right before A.J. slammed into the wall and started choking... He's okay," he reassured her,"as you can tell. Rok broke it up as fast as it started."

"But...he's always been so good at control," she murmured to herself.

"Hi, honey I'm..." Nick cut off the smartass comment and stopped dead at the look on Lina's face. "What's wrong?"

"I'm... I'll be ok." Howie watched as Nick's mere presence seemed to strengthen her. "Something Howie said. We do need to talk, later."

"Should I call off the meeting so we can talk?" he asked, moving into the room and revealing Kevin in the doorway.

"No." Another wry smile. "I wanna actually enjoy being with you for a while."

"Well then..." Nick scooted onto the bed behind her. "Here's something I've been missing a whole lot." He pulled her back to him until she was sitting between his legs, with his arms firmly encircling her waist.

Lina's body relaxed into him, she couldn't help it. She looked up and met his eyes. "Hi."

He studied her face intently. "Hi."

"You're not playing fair, Carter."

"You knew I was going to do it," he pointed out.

"I know."

"So?"

She sighed in resignation, only regaining a smile when he attempted to tickle her.

"Hello!" A.J. said pointedly, waving at them. "Not alone yet."

"You hear something? I think my battery died." Lina asked innocently.

"Just some smartass. Ignore it."

Brian sauntered into the room. "Wow. Who's got a camera? You guys are the perfect couple."

Rolling their eyes in unison, Nick and Lina looked over at him. "Brian, since you got married, you think a pair of baboons make a cute couple," they chorused dryly. Everyone stared. "What?"


	25. Chapter 25

A.J. found his voice first. "I *know* you're not linked right now and that just makes it freakier. You two are made for each other or something."

"Years of being inside each others' heads." Lina waved it off. "It's impossible not to develop an instinct about what the other person's going to say or do. And having good timing is a matter of life or death sometimes. Add that to a similar world-view and you'd be surprised how often we do that by accident. It takes years to get to a level like this, it'll be a while before either of us kicks the habit."

"It didn't take years," Nick argued. "I fell for you before I even got on the team."

"You idolized me a little. It's not the same."

"Idolized? Modest girl," Kevin commented.

"He looked up to me," Lina said with a shrug. "Everyone does. I walk into a room and they're all like "Oh my God, it's Lina Allen! She can split an atom! Lina, impress us!""

A.J.'s jaw dropped. "You can split an atom?"

She rolled her eyes. "Of course not."

"You've never tried."

"Nick, the amount of energy I can put out and the amount of energy it takes to split an atom are vastly..." The Boys began to get the odd feeling the pair actually had this argument regularly.

"The amount of psychic energy it takes to do anything is lower than.."

"Nick, I don't *want* to split an atom. Shut up already."

"Lina..."Brian put on his best puppy face. "Do a trick for us?"

She laughed. "Something impressive, huh? Nick can do all my tricks. I'm sure you've seen 'em by now."

"I didn't want to freak them out too fast."

"Disappearing to Georgia doesn't count as a trick?"

"Nope," they chorused. Lina thought for a moment.

"Ok, here's one. I actually do this in public sometimes - you'll see parlour magicians do something similar, so everyone just assumes I learned how to do it. Still don't know how it's done without teekay though."

She snapped her fingers, producing a spark that grew to a small tongue fo flame, burning merrily at her fingertips.

"It's more impressive when you do it without the snap," Nick pointed out.

"Well, I don't." Lina dropped her hand and the flame vanished. An odd look passed between the two and A.J. sensed it would soon be time to leave. He still wanted to know.

"So, how'd you do that?"

"Hmmm?" Lina turned her attention back to him. "Oh. Molecular telekinesis. Rub a couple of air molecules together until they're hot enough to ignite. The idea is simple enough, it just takes a lot of power and control."

"That would be such a cool trick if I still smoked," A.J. mused.

"Hey!" Lina snapped her fingers and they all jumped, but no fire was forthcoming. "What if that's how we met?"

"Huh?"

Nick caught on immediately. "The week of the Burger King shoot, we were near the Res. Bone, you loved that area. You remember the little street with all the old architecture and tiny clubs?"

"Uh..."

"The painting on that one building..." Lina prompted, and A.J. suddenly saw the street they meant.

"Right. Yeah, I said I wanted to come back and hang out there."

"What if you did? Lina hangs out at a couple of the clubs on that street."

"If we met outside and he needed a lighter..."

"That trick would get my attention," A.J. nodded thoughtfully.

"This is kind of neat to listen to," Howie commented out of nowhere.

"Brainstorming," Lina grinned. "So, sometime last winter you spent a weekend in Toronto, we met and we've been emailing occasionally since then."

"Why was that so easy?" Nick demanded.

"You don't smoke."

"I should have taken it up when I had the chance," he teased.

"Lots of things you should have done." Lina's voice was easy, and the statement was accompanied by a shrug, but A.J. could tell things were definitely becoming more tense. He tried to get them back on track.

"So sometime in the winter I spent a weekend in Toronto, we met and we've been, what, e-mailing since then?" Lina nodded. "Ok, so how did you get here? I guess we need a backstory for that."

"I left a message on the answering machine at home saying I was going out of town for a concert, and I let work know I wouldn't be in till the afternoon."

"This happens often?" he looked over his shades.

"Sometimes. I have a lot of online friends."

"But how did you get to Chicago after work in time for the show?" Nick worried. "Unless you won the lottery recently you can't afford a flight."

"No one's gonna..." Kevin protested.

"Someone's gonna check." Nick and Lina said firmly.

"Hey, you could fake a family emergency to work, tell your parents you forgot to tell them you were going away for a few days, and hang out until we hit Toronto!" Nick suggested. "We're doing another show here tomorrow, people will get fuzzy on what day you showed up if you're around for a while."

"Nick!" Lina pulled away from him. "I am *not*..."

"Don't be an idiot, Carter." A.J. put in, "I wouldn't invite some e-mail pal to tour with us for half a week." Lina was actually glaring at her partner now, her arms crossed.

"You would spring for a plane ticket for one show," Howie piped up.

"No I..." at Howie's knowing grin, A.J. conceded the point. "Yeah, if I was trying to set Nick up, I probably would have."

"Good," Lina stood, her voice too polite. "Now that that's settled, I'll take my leave of you gentlemen. Good night." She vanished without another word, leaving Nick open-mouthed in astonishment.

"Was it something I said?" A.J. wondered aloud.

"Damn," Nick breathed. "What did I screw up this time?"

"I'm not exactly sure what just happened, but I don't think you helped things by being a smug bastard," Howie offered.

"I wasn't smug!"

"He's right Frack, you were acting smug." Brian confirmed apologetically.

"How?" he challenged.

"Let us count the ways." A.J. began ticking points off on his fingers. "First, you act like you've never had a girlfriend at a show before. No singing ballads at her, no blowing kisses, just a bunch of knowing grins and more winks than Howie. Is she your girlfriend or your dirty little secret?"

"I..."

"And then here," Howie continued. "Every move you made, everything you said was way too easy, like you'd done it a million times. Did you even pick up on the fact that she didn't like your whole "I know you want this" attitude?"

"You were great when she first got here," Kevin explained. "Once you knew she wasn't going to disappear, you got too comfortable."

"She likes me to be sure," Nick protested. "I make her feel safe, it was all I had to go on. If I let her know how scared I am, she'd doubt me and run."

"You sure?" Brian wanted to know. "'Cause it looks to me like she just ran away again."

Nick bit his lip. "I don't know anymore."

"She still not letting you in?" A.J. tapped his head.

"No."

"If she was, she'd know you're scared?"

"Of course."

"You *want* her to let you in?"

"Alex..."

"Seems to me you oughta let her know everything she'd know if she went mind-to-mind with you," Brian drawled.


	26. Chapter 26

"Rok gets the idea, *that* will make her feel safe." A.J. nodded approvingly. "Did she say why she won't let you in?"

"She doesn't think I love her, she says it's like... a habit. I miss the idea of her more than I really miss her."

"If you're always taking her for granted like that, I can see why she'd think that," Kevin agreed.

"Always? What do you know about our relationship?" Nick bristled.

"I know what I saw. I also know we all do it from time to time, putting off phone calls, or leaving her alone when she visits, because she just isn't as demanding or annoying as that producer or this choreographer or those reporters."

"And in this case, that other girlfriend," A.J. put in. "She's been second-string for a long time."

"She's never been second!" Nick declared hotly.

"Y'ain't showing it. After that kiss backstage, you backed off. Hell, even that atom argument, how many times have you had that one?"

"A few," he admitted.

"You need to show her what she's worth to you. You have the world's greatest advantage and you're not even using it."

"Huh?"

"Nicky," Howie began explaining slowly. "You're not thinking. You've been in her head. You have her memories. You know what she wants, what she likes. What she secretly likes, even though she'd never admit it. Use that."

"Give her the moon if she wants it. Make her an offer she can't refuse... then make good on it."

Deciding they'd said enough, the Backstreet Boys left Nick to contemplate everything he knew but never really paid attention to about Lina.

* * *

"What's wrong?" Suzanne asked without looking up from her typing. The fact that her trying-to-be-former teammate had even asked for an anchor told Suzanne things were messed up indeed. The jumble of emotions she felt when Lina connected confirmed her intuition.

Lina stood in the middle of the room like a student about to recite a lesson."I... I went to visit Nick tonight. In public." she replied in French, apparently not messed up enough to keep from being considerate.

Suzanne turned away from her keyboard. "Oh dear. From the beginning, let's hear it."

Lina shared her memories of the past twenty-four hours or so. Once the older woman had a chance to assimilate the information, she concluded, "It's always been him taking me for granted or me pushing him away, we're always at arm's length. It took so much for me to go to him, to stop running or hiding... and when I got there, it seemed like he couldn't care enough to break the cycle. Am I running scared again, or am I right?"

"He's being thick-headed, certainly. And you have reason to be scared, although if you'd *told* me what was bothering you..." Suzanne dismissed the thought for later. "But are you sure you're running from him?"

"I..."

"You were thinking of letting him in again, you did the fire trick and you found out that Nick, who always holds *you* back, can lose control. Even if he was doing everything else right, I imagine it would have taken some will power to keep you from running."

Lina bit her lip. "You're right, I guess." She finally sank into the comforting depths of Suzanne's brown leather chair. The chair was an old friend, a place from which she had recited her troubles almost since her emergence. Suzanne was more than a teammate, she was Lina's mentor. She had leaned almost exclusively on Nick in recent years, but it was nice to be back.

The older woman broke into her reflections. "He still doesn't know, does he?"

"That I'm protecting him? No." Her expression turned fierce. "And you won't tell him, either."

"I never have." Suzannne grew thoughtful. "If he doesn't truly love you he'd never take the chance anyway."

"I know." Lina closed her eyes, trying to escape the whole thing.

"So why not tell him?"

"And face another rejection?" she shook her head, still not looking at Suzanne. "Suzanne, I don't know what would be worse, Nick not wanting to try, or watching him die because he loves me."

"There is a third..."

"And least likely possiblity." Now Lina didn't just look, she glared. "Didn't we have this talk years ago? The roles have switched," she accused.

"You're no longer a giddy teenager with a crush on someone barely old enough for high school."

"And your opinion of his power level?"

"Has not changed. His level of skill certainly has. That could make the difference."

"For God's sake, don't give me hope *now*." Lina got up from the chair, moving restlessly around the room. Suzanne watched her quietly.

"You've been hopeless for months."

"Better no hope than false hope." Her hand trailed along a row of books. "I know what I felt. I can't touch his mind again. I'll know now, and feel it always."

"Melodrama always was one of your favourite sheilds," Suzanne observed dryly. "Has it occurred to you that neither of you were thinking rationally then? You went in almost totally on emotion. He didn't reject you."

"He didn't respond to me either."

"What happened to the seventeen year old who was desperate to hang on to her love against all odds?"

Lina's voice went hard and bitter. "She grew up."

"Always so afraid to take a leap."

The books rumbled on their shelves. Lina whirled to face her mentor. "Dammit Suzanne, you're baiting me! What is it you don't want to say?"

As if she'd been waiting months for her cue, Suzanne nodded and dropped her bombshell. "Some of this is my fault."

Lina stared at her open-mouthed.

"Two days after Nick woke up, he realised you weren't in his head. I was monitoring him. He started withdrawing almost immediately, I had to act fast." Clinical tones hid her embarrassment.

Lina wanted to ask, needed to know, but her brain had quit working and her mouth was useless as a result.

"I put in a mental block. It was very easy, he was already putting up a few himself to protect from the trauma of the accident. I thought he'd wear it down in a few days, a week, sometime when he was stronger, and you were stronger." She shrugged helplessly.

"I..." Lina shook her head. "I know where you're coming from. And it still hurts."

"I'm not sorry for what I did - I wasn't imagining how badly he reacted or how little equipped he was to deal with the pain." Suzanne looked her straight in the eye. "And you would have gone after him and either not been able to pull him out or not been able to pull either of you out."

"But you were always against..."

"I still think it's likely you'll hurt him, but you're miserable without each other. I can't stand in the way any longer."

"Thanks... for that." It was something Suzanne needed to hear. "I need to think about this. And sleep. I..." With a wordless shrug she headed home.

_Why does every answer just make me more confused?_


	27. Chapter 27

Lina came home from work, thanking God that Wednesdays were slow days. She needed some water and a nap. Entering the kitchen, she tossed her keys on the counter. They hit a note in her mum's handwriting.
    
    
    Lina - message on the phone from Nick.

"Mooom?" Lina drew the word out with the American long "o" instead of the British short "u". It conveyed nervousness a little better.

"Down here," her mother called from the basement. "Your Dad and I are going out tonight..."

"Who picked up the message?" Lina cut in sharply, moving to the stairwell.

"I did."

"What'd he want?"

"It's on the machine," was the reply. "I think it was an apology."

"What?" and then, "Did you listen to the whole thing?"

"I forgot where the skip button is," her mother sounded apologetic. "He sounded sincere, if that's what you're asking."

Lina wasn't sure what she was asking. Her thoughts a whirlwind, she retreated to her room to check the message.

"Hey Lina, it's Nick. Um, you rushed off last night. Alex thinks maybe I offended you? I dunno what I did, but I hope you're not mad at me. I'd like to see you again. So, uh, gimme a call. My cell number's ___________. And Lina? If I did anything, I'm sorry."

"Damn, he is stubborn." The message wasn't really for her benefit. Nick knew she was often the last into the house in the evening. He also knew her work number. This was a way of letting the Allens know that their daughter might have a boyfriend. He was still hanging on to the idea of a real world relationship.

She debated calling him, but wasn't sure what to say. Besides which, international calls were still expensive this early in the evening. Later. Later turned into "he's onstage". With Chicago an hour behind Toronto, Lina found it easy enough to forget about calling at all.

She was startled out of a late night IRC conversation with Alice by the phone's ring. She grabbed the receiver immediately, trying to keep her parents from waking. It wasn't until she put the receiver to her ear that she realised it had been a long distance ring.

"Hello?" she asked, suddenly hoping her brother was calling from university

"Turn off the computer." It wasn't her brother.

"Why?"

"'Cause I'm going to apologize and you're going to need to pay attention."

"Sounds like this could take a while," she teased, typing an excuse to Alice.

"Oh it will."

"Should I get comfortable?" She halted the computer.

"Don't give me visuals Lina," he groaned.

"Why not?" she grinned. "It might make the apology that much more heartfelt."

"You're mean," he accused.

"I am a complete and total bitch," she agreed happily, moving to turn off the lights. "Hang on. " Lina laid down the phone long enough to get into bed. "Back."

"You're not in bed."

"I'm not allowed to lie, Nickelodeon."

"You're flirting with me and you just called me Nickelodeon. Do I even need to apologize?"

"Say it anyway. I want to know if you clued in to what you should be sorry for."

"You sound like your mum."

"She's a wise woman. Now?"

Nick quit complaining. His next words were completely sincere, "I'm sorry I took you for granted."

"Well..."

"You mean the world to me, Lina." he continued, ignoring her. "I don't know what I'd do without you. I love you."

He heard her breath catch at the words it had taken him far too long to say. "I still amn't sure about that, Nickelodeon." Her voice was soft, pained.

"If you mean about the two months..."

"I don't," she cut him off. "I talked to Suzanne last night. She explained."

"How...?"

"She put in a mental block. You didn't react well, you were still in the hospital..."

"She's never been a fan of our partnership," Nick began to get angry.

"Don't be mad. She was looking out for both of us."

"If she hadn't put that up..."

"... you might still be in hospital. I wasn't ready to go in and yank you out of yourself, especially as second choice, and you wouldn't have been able to hang in long enough for me to be ready."

"But..." Lina could hear his confusion. "If I reacted that badly, why can't you believe that I do love you?"

"Because I can't forget what happened that night," she sighed as the tears threatened to fall again. "I had nightmares for weeks reliving that moment. It's not something anyone can make all better in a minute, even you."

"Will you give me time to try?" He held his breath.

"Yeah." It was a tiny squeak, but it would do. They fell into a long moment of silence, neither of them knowing quite what to say. Nick wasn't sure whether he most wanted to hold Lina and make it all better, or be held and have her make it all better.

"How've you been, otherwise?" he asked.

"All right." He could heard the rustle of sheets as she stretched. "Work's the same ol', same ol'. Mum's on my case for "an overactive social life". The world's a little too quiet without you, y'know?"

"I know. And the Net****isn't helpful."

"Treat you like glass too?"

"Everyone shuts up the second I tune in. Have you sworn the entire *world* to secrecy?"

"Partly afraid of upsetting you, partly afraid of the wrath of the Dragon Lady, I guess," she answered ruefully. "You haven't heard much news, then?"

"Nope. Anything juicy?"

"Peggy moved out of her parents place."

"Parents still giving her grief about Jeremy?" he asked with sympathy.

"Worse. She.."

"...told them. Damn. I told her not to."

"You did?"

"'Bout a week before the accident she was on the Net****asking for advice. I told her anyone prejudiced against one set of "different" people weren't going to be any better with another."

"Wisdom. What are you, Yoda all of a sudden?"

"Once you embrace the Dark Side, consume you it will."

"Oh dear."

The silence this time was much more friendly, comfortable.

"Nick, what happened with Mandy?"

Another subject he knew would come up eventually. "Mandy...will probably never forgive me, not that I blame her."

"Wait, have you or haven't you..."

"I have. I moved out just before the tour."

"Oh..... What'd you tell her?"

"Pretty much the truth - that I was using her while I waited for somebody else."

"It wasn't always that simple."

"I know. She wasn't in the mood to believe me."

"Would you have..." Lina stopped herself. "No, don't answer that."

"I would have moved out anytime you gave the word," he declared, guessing her question. "Would you ever have given it?"

"No, probably not," she conceded quietly. "As horrible as the whole arrangement was, it had its advantages."

"Like what?"

"Not over the phone. Will I see you when you hit town?"

"Is that a request?"

"Yes," she answered, surprisingly frank.

"Then you'll see me." He caught Lina yawning. "Goodnight?"

"Yeah, I guess so."

"Okay. Call me tomorrow."

"I will. 'Night."


	28. Chapter 28

Lina sighed a little as she entered the office and switched on the lights. She'd been up a tad too late the night before, on the phone with Nick again. He'd been in the airport waiting for the flight to Toronto when she'd called. Later, he'd called from the plane for a few minutes. They'd made plans to get together once she was finished work. The guys had a day off and she worked a stone's throw from the hotel so finally it would be easy enough for her to slip across the street, into the hotel and meet him on the group's floor.

_If it had been this easy in the early days, I wonder where we'd be now?_ Lina mused, glancing out a window at the hotel. She tried to count the floors by the windows but got lost. _Dead, probably,_ the nasty voice in the back of her head answered. _You'd let him convince you that he could handle anything you throw at him and you'd kill him. And the guilt would kill you._

"Shut up!" she muttered aloud, turning on her computer.

_What's going to happen tonight?_ The voice persisted. _You know he's going to try something and this time it'll take more than an unpaused video game to stop him._

_I won't push him away anymore. I'm tired. It makes me miserable, it makes *him* miserable._

_At least he's alive._

_Shut *up*!_ A phone book fell over. _See? I don't do it anymore, even when I'm mad._

_But you want to._

The buzzer went and Lina let a few of her co-workers in, the voice ringing in her ears. She blessed the interruption that would keep her from thinking too much. Normally she got annoyed when Marian chose 8:30 in the morning to start hovering, asking for this, that and the other thing, but this morning the quick, mindless work was welcome.

The buzzer went for about the twentieth time while Lina was digging out a Purolator envelope.

"Can't these idiots just use their cards?" she muttered. "Marian, can you...?"

"I've got it, dear."

Eventually, Lina got what Marian had asked of her and emerged from the storage closet back into her main office. Standing there with a single white rose in his hand, was Nick. Lina stared.

"Hi beautiful," he greeted her with a lazy grin.

"Nick... what.. I mean..."

"I'm kidnapping you," he informed her. "Sadly it's going to be a threesome," he nodded his head at the large bodyguard behind him, "but I get to have you with me all day."

"I can't just..."

"I know you can't. That's why I called Marian yesterday while you were at lunch." He looked at his watch. "In exactly 60 seconds, you have the rest of the day off."

"Marian!"

"Is that a happy yell or do I need to call security?" her supervisor asked, coming around the corner.

"I'm not sure. You're okay with this?"

Nick used the rose to bridge the gap between them, running it lightly over her nose and lips. "She said she was okay with it *yesterday*."

"Contrary to popular belief, the office won't fall apart if you take a few days off, Lina." Marian chided her. "And you were so tense this morning. Go on. Have fun. Give us all the juicy details later."

"A few..."

"I'm here for a couple of days, and I'm greedy." Nick shrugged, watching her reaction. "But if you don't want to get caught in the circus after today, no pressure."

"Except I *have* to come with you today?" Lina raised an eyebrow, trying to ignore what exactly that damned rose was doing to her. But sometime in the last few days, someone had told him about his eyes and what they could do. She'd tried so hard to get him to ignore the fact that those eyes could speak sonnets to her. From the *look* he was giving her, all her hard work had ultimately been in vain.

Without another word, she scooped up her bag and jacket and took his hand. "I hope you know what you're doing, Carter."

"So do I."

* * *

As they slid into the Jeep, Nick glanced at her. "I know that look. Stop listening to her."

"Her?" Lina asked. Nick tapped her temple.

"The liar in there." he kissed the spot and held her, whispering against her forehead. "The one who tells you to hide because the real you is unlovable. The one who never trusted me. The one who makes you think you deserve misery. The one who wants to keep you the Ice Queen forever."

Lina pushed away a little, but remained in his arms. "She doesn't always lie."

"Yes she does. She's twisted and ugly and she makes you believe you're as horrible as she is. I'm going to kill her today."

She sighed against him. "I wish you would."

But Nick caught a flicker of distress. He cupped her face in his hand, forcing her to look at him. "What'd she say?"

"She said "And then who'll save you?"" was the whispered reply.

"Babe, you don't need saving from me. I'll take care of you."

"That's not what she meant." For a moment, Lina's eyes slid to the driver's seat.

"I'm sheilding," Nick reassured her.

She hesitated a little longer before admitting, "It's what I didn't want to talk about on the phone."

"Oh." He was surprised. "You're ready to talk about that?"

"Nooo," she admitted, "I'll never be ready. But if I don't tell you, I'm just leading you on."

"I don't mind being led," he squeezed her reassuringly. "Look, if you can hold off till tonight, I'll take the consequences." He silenced her protest with a finger to her lips. "Today we're going to pretend that the only abnormal thing about us is that goon in the front seat. Whether it means I end up horny and frustrated..."

"Nick!" she laughed.

"You know you wanted to hear it," he grinned at her. "Anyway, whether it's that or something worse I'll deal with the consequences later."

"I..."

"One day to hang out, talk, flirt - all the things we've wanted to do "for real". Then we can talk."

"You have an ulterior motive," she accused.

"Yeah," he admitted. "I want you to be comfortable with me again, trust me. I want to hear you," he gestured at his temple, "even just one word, without seeing you flinch. And, since I know your talks, I want you wanting to stay with me as much as possible while you're in the middle of telling me why this won't work."

"You're good."

"When I'm paying attention." The intense blue gaze was turned on to full effect again, and Lina almost didn't hear the last part, "And today, you have my full attention."


	29. Chapter 29

The car had entered a parking garage by the time Lina thought to glance out the window. "Where are we, anyway?"

"Eaton's Centre." He played with the collar of her blouse, his warm fingers sending a shiver through her. "You're in business gear and I know how you hate to hang out in this stuff."

"And we couldn't go to my house?"

"Nope." Nick smiled, "I get to fuss over you." Then he looked down at her feet. "Thank God you always wear walking shoes. I'd hate to spend our three days in Toronto going through hell - I mean shoe stores."

Lina laughed. She had odd feet, it always took her forever to find something she both fit and liked. "Me too."

The bodyguard parked the car and Nick pulled her out. "C'mon, Urban Behaviour awaits!"

"I'm not buying anything in there!"

"Nothing you don't like," he agreed, but knew she'd always wanted to think she might be able to carry off some of the risque outfits the store carried.

Nick resolutely ignored the stares of random salesgirls and shoppers, trusting his bodyguard to keep them away for now. He watched her browse without interfering, until her hands played over a top. She examined it for a moment, a golden short-sleeved creation scooped low in the neck, before letting it go.

"It would look good on you," he spoke up. He found himself mentally going through her closet, as Lina did every time she shopped. "Goes with a lot, too."

"It..." she gestured at her chest.

"Oh show off sometimes!" Nick chided his partner gently. Lina got self-conscious about showing cleavage. He reached for the top, found it a soft material, the kind Lina categorized as "touch-me", the kind she loved. "At least try it on. We can get you a sweater if it makes you feel self-conscious."

"It's still not "hangin' out" clothing."

She had a point there. While Lina didn't tend towards the sheer messy Nick wore when he was truly relaxing, they both favoured more casual clothes to sit around in.

"Try it on anyway," he encouraged. "Play dress-up."

"What am I, your personal Barbie?" But she took the top off the rack. "All right. Now, in the interests of "sex-me-up", 'cause it's dress-up in *this* store... what should I wear with this?"

Nick eyed a rack of PVC pants.

"Couple curves too many for PVC, Nickelodeon."

"I like curves. I like to see your curves."

She rolled her eyes and began sorting through them. "Black?"

"Everyone does black." He held up another pair. "Green?"

"Nickolas!" Lina just giggled.

"Yeah, I didn't think so," he laughed. "Navy?"

"Maybe... oh!" She produced a wine-coloured pair.

"Is there a redhead in the world who likes red as much as you do?" Lina actually pouted in reply and Nick wasn't sure whether to laugh or kiss her. "Go try 'em on."

A few minutes later she emerged. "I look like Britney Spears from that album cover," she laughed nervously.

Nick looked her over for a moment. Her red hair tumbled in loose waves down over her shoulders, a dramatic contrast with the soft golden top and her fair skin. He noticed the little chicken pox scar on her breast, just peeking out from the neckline. Cleavage was evident, although not much of it, but the form-fitting top left nothing to the imagination. For that matter, neither did the pants. Lina's legs were long enough, but in pants like these, they never seemed to end. "Britney doesn't hold a candle to you, love."

She went scarlet and Nick had to pull his eyes away from the flush across her chest. "It's not... me, though. It's something your girlfriend would wear to the MTV awards or something."

"Would she?" he shot her a look. "Want me to buy it so she can?"

The implication hung in the air between them.

"Not the pants," she responded finally. "But I do love the top."

"Cool," his eyes glowed at the lack of argument. "Well, hurry up and let's hit somewhere you can get comfortable stuff, before the salesgirls decide to call their girlfriends."

* * *

Despite the growing sense that Nick was being recognized, Lina enjoyed the shopping trip thoroughly. He pushed her to try on the things she would otherwise only look at wistfully, but never pushed her to buy them. There was no pressure to change, just try thngs she'd always secretly wanted to, but never had someone there to say, "Yeah, go for it."

What one of the most powerful psychics on the planet really wanted was someone to lean on. Nick showed signs of sliding full into the role. He wasn't a toady, he gave opinions and argued points, but neither was he controlling. Nick reinforced Lina gently, slowly erasing the idea that he would ever turn away from her.

When they emerged in the parking lot, having purchased an ankle-length soft denim skirt and a Fraggle Rock t-shirt for Lina to wear, along with a few items like the gold top that had simply looked good. For the most part they'd been left alone, but by the time they hit the parking garage, the sense of frenzied teenage recognition was overwhelming.

"Oops." Nick muttered as they emerged onto their floor of the garage.

"At least we're not going to be wandering around looking for the car," Lina joked.

Nick had obviously been seen leaving the hotel, because the white, unmarked Jeep was staked out by about fifty fans.

"Jimmy?" Nick looked to the bodyguard for a plan. He and Lina were perfectly able to handle the situation, but such things weren't public knowledge.

"I wish there was two of me," was the response. "Stay put, I'll bring the car to you. Keep the wall at your back."

"Got it."

Once the girls noticed Jimmy heading for them, it took very little time for them to locate and make a beeline for Nick.

"Got a pen, Lina?"

She handed him a Sharpie and the crowd descended upon them with shrieks and professions of undying love, waving arms, CDs and anything else remotely signable. Things happened fast and Lina found herself shoved out of the way, past the crowd, trying to keep her eyes on that blonde head. The Jeep pulled up and she headed to it.

"Do you drive?" Jimmy asked.

"No." She opened the back door, "Wait here." She pushed back into the crowd, searching for Nick, now completely overwhelmed by the frenzy. Unable to see, relying on instinct, she grabbed his elbow and pulled, putting all her physical and a fair amount of telekinetic force into the effort. There was a shriek from the crowd as Lina wrested him free and they both stumbled into the back seat. A fan grabbed his shoe, Lina pulled again, and Nick fell with his head in her lap as the door shut behind him.

"Do I need to get to a hospital, Carter?" the bodyguard barked as they tore out of the garage.

"Nah," Nick answered, a little shakily.

"And what the fuck was that stunt?"

"I don't drive." Lina explained. "If you got out to get him, they'd have time to rush the car."

Jimmy muttered something, but let it go. "You realise we're going back to the hotel right now?"

"Yes sir," they chorused unwittingly. Lina was just as aware as Nick was of the rules and how pissed off security got when something happened. To save them from the rest of the bodyguard's frustrations, she put up a sheild.

She looked down at Nick, who still hadn't moved from his sprawled position. A long red welt was beginning to form on his cheek. He winced as she laid a finger on it.

"Someone had long fingernails."

"Mmm." Nick wasn't quite sure what she'd said, too busy concentrating on the feel of her cool fingertip stroking the length of the wound. It burned a little, then she added a little more pressure, mixed in some energy, and convinced his skin to speed up the healing process until the pain was gone. He was safe in her care again. It was a good feeling. "Y'know I think the last time we were like this is my last happy memory of you?" he murmured.

Lina frowned. "I haven't done a healing on you in, like.. six months. That incident with the tree, I think."

"No..." he protested sleepily, lulled by the movement of the car, the lack of sleep on the plane last night, and the safety of her presence. "I remember... it's fuzzy but.. I hurt, I was tired..." he sighed a little. "I started to get scared, but then you came. You were there. So very there. Warm. Safe. You were talking, but I couldn't really hear. I knew you'd take care of everything and it was okay to give up."

Lina was staring at him now, listening to Nick speak as if re-living the memory. He frowned a little, "Something happened though. I heard..." his eyes widened. "I heard the guys, and I knew you couldn't take care of everyone and so I..."

He was interrupted by the splash of a warm, salt tear, landing on his chin. Another, and another. It woke him up a bit and he looked up to find Lina looking at him, crying silently, her expression unreadable.

"I'm sorry," he said, confused. He sat up, putting a hand on her arm. "I didn't mean to... when *was* that?"

_You dork,_ Lina sniffled. _That was the accident_


	30. Chapter 30

Nick was stunned. Not sure what else to do, he nevertheless grabbed hold of the mental connection Lina had made, refusing to let go. Through her upset and confusion, he got the distinct sense she was glad he did.

Despite what she was feeling, despite the many sheilds still up against him, Nick felt a sense of completion. The aching void in the back of his mind was patched, if not actually filled in yet,and maybe, just maybe, they really would be able to fix this. Because she had reached out to him. Only in his very wildest imaginings had he dreamed that might happen, usually as her dying act.

Lina wasn't dying but she was... Nick took a moment to analyse what he could feel from her. Guilt, that was understandable and pretty much normal for Lina. Regret, a bad sign and completely at odds with her actions. Fear, again normal. But at what this time? And seeping through the chinks in her armour, that self-same sense of completion, mirrored back at him.

That feeling was his ally. The rest had to be dealt with

_Give me a little time,_ she pleaded. _Let me sort it out alone first. But, don't go._

_You're going to have to work hard to get rid of me this time_ he assured her fiercely, accompanying his words with a hug and oh God, wasn't it wonderful to feel her on both levels again.

_We're back,_ she reminded him and opened the door. _Remember to talk._

_Yes'm_

A few fans spotted them entering the elevator. One noticed Nick's hand on the small of Lina's back, and they both felt hot resentment follow them in. Nick worried.

"You're worried about how I'm going to deal with the fans and stuff?" she pretended to guess as the elevator ascended.

"A little," he admitted. "I mean, I know you've been emailing A.J. and you have some idea about road life," _This story is so much more fun when I can talk to you under it._ "but patience with a friend and patience with a boyfriend are different."

"You made one mistake A.J. never did."

"What's that?"

"You gave me your cell number." They both laughed. "So if you're late with email, I'll give you a call." _Don't worry about it. I know the drill as well as you do. If we can get through this, we can get through anything._

_But will we?_ Nick asked as they stepped out onto his floor. She had no answer for him.

He was well aware that while carrying on two conversations simultaneously on two different levels, Lina still had more than enough concentration left over to devote to what was bothering her. When she fell silent, he could almost hear the wheels turning in her head. It was bad news, he knew. Every time Lina thought about their relationship she came up with reasons to keep him at arm's length. Nick wasn't sure how much longer he could agree to stay away.

And that was what it came down to, he had realised over his days of meditation on the subject of Lina. She set rules, she pushed him away, but if he ever broke the rules, she might not be able to hold back any longer. It was one of the things that scared her most - losing control.

He thought about this for a long while, as he sat watching Lina think. She was sprawled on the bed, looking so tense it was almost painful. If she would just relax...

* * *

Lina didn't jump when Nick brushed her hair off her neck. In the very back of her mind, she'd known he had left the chair. She was so tense her shoulders hurt and he loved giving massages. It was no surprise he'd approached her. Then, cool lips brushed the nape of her neck in just the right spot and every muscle in her body relaxed.

_You're right here, but you're so far away again,_ he told her gently, with another kiss. She could feel his whole body so near to her and this was so against the rules and she wanted it so much, which was why it was against the rules.

"Nick..." it was supposed to be a warning, but it came out as a wanting.

"Relax..." he breathed in her ear, kissing her again. With an enormous effort of will, she rolled onto her side, away from him, where she could look at him and...

Big mistake. There were those eyes. So blue, so intense, so focused on her and no one else. The eyes came closer and closer until she had to close her own and felt his lips on hers. Lips as hungry and intense as his gaze, that knew how to wring a soft moan from her and slip his tongue inside.

"_Don't think_," Nick murmured on both levels when he finally let her pause for breath, his hand playing with the neckline of her top, then slipping inside.

As if she could think with his eyes and lips and hands all concentrated on her body. Her brain surrendered to the assault as her body took control. Her body had only one problem in the whole world, that being that what it wanted was so close but not nearly close enough. Her arms slid around him, pulling him closer.

_I'll do the thinking, I'll take the consequences..._

A nightmare image of the conseqences turned Lina's brain on instantly. Her arms dropped. "No!"

Nick obeyed immediately, sitting up and giving her space. He knew that fear-laced tone and berated himself for having gone too far. He was supposed to be getting her to trust him, not scaring her away again. Telling her not to think, when this was the one thing that needed to be thought about carefully, planned lovingly. The last thing it was supposed to be was a quick fuck in a random hotel room. They had both thought about this for years, practically since the moment they met, hoping, wishing, for that one moment when their partnership could become complete - body, mind and soul. A reemergence, erasing his first lonely, frustrated mental cry and her...

Her what? Nick suddenly came up against a gap in her memories, and realised he didn't know. Of all the things she could keep from him, why that?

* * *

He hadn't been listening when she made her lame protest that it wasn't him. Lina watched quietly as he beat himself up, then felt her heart jump when his lips pursed in a frown, his brow wrinkled in confusion. If she knew him half as well as she thought she did, he was about to finally ask the right question.


	31. Chapter 31

"What happened when you emerged?"

"I..." But Nick was on a roll, thinking aloud, and wouldn't let her finish.

"You've always held back when we merged. I thought it was just an *idea*, like, you were all there, just not.. I don't know.. connected right or something. I never realised you were holding back an actual part of your mind."

"Nick..."

"But there's like... three months missing. One second it's like.. March and the next it's the middle of June and... hell, I don't even know when you met Suzanne."

"I know..."

"You were *six*! What the *fuck* happened that you don't think I can take?"

"Nick-el-o-de-on!" Lina shook her partner until he came back down to earth and blinked at her. "Let me talk!" she cried in fond exasperation.

He grinned sheepishly. "Sorry."

"Just... don't freak out in advance okay?" she let go of him and breathed deeply. "This is hard enough."

"I'm not going to..."

"Don't make promises you can't keep Nickelodeon." The pet name again.

They lapsed into silence for a while. Nick heard those wheels going again, but this time he didn't interrupt.

"Eighteen years of bottling this up, a million moments of wanting to tell you, and I still don't know where to start." Lina admitted finally.

"Would it be easier to let me, y'know -- see it?" At the pained look on her face, he rushed on. "I mean if it's too hard to relive then, nevermind."

"No, you're probably right," she conceded. "I... it's just going to be hard."

"Your choice."

"Not entirely." But Lina began rearranging the pillows against the headboard until she could sit comfortably with her back against them. She crossed her legs and reached out both hands to Nick. He arranged himself similarly, facing her.

"You're sure..?"

"Nick shut up and give me your hands!" she snapped. He shrugged and linked his hands with hers.

She pulled him in with such vehemence it almost hurt, not giving him a moment to get comfortable or notice anything else before he was slammed into the memory

* * *

A snowball slams into Lina's small body, knocking the wind out of her. There isn't much snow left in the yard this close to spring, but her classmates are making use of what they can find. She isn't entirely sure what she's done this time. She's beginning to learn that it doesn't make much difference anyway. Someone had decided she'd make a good target and here she stands, taking it. Too proud to run home, too hopeless to defend herself.

Another hit, and she gasps for air.

"Gonna cry, cry-baby?" Tony sneers at her.

She will not cry. He wants her to cry and so she will *not*. Lina bites the inside of her lip and struggles to control her breathing.

"*Cry!*" Snow right in her face, hard, cold, obscuring her vision, tasting vaguely of salt. She cannot suppress a whimper of pain and hears the mocking laughter. They got what they wanted. Something inside her goes cold as she struggles to clear her eyes.

"You're going to be sorry," she states. She is pouting a little, but not yelling - not yet. Anger wells up inside her like a nameless power.

"Are you going to tell your Mommy?"

"Oh, I'm *so* scared!"

The anger blinds her and for a moment she is inside one of her revenge fantasies. Forgetting this is a world without magic, she glares at the offending gloved hands...

... and they burst into flames.

Her agressors are screaming and so is she as the stench of burning flesh reaches her nostrils and she cannot stop it, cannot make it go away what's going on whathaveIdone?? I didn't mean it!

* * *

Nick jolted them both out of the memory, knowing that neither of them could take much more. The afterimages haunted him as he blinked them away but Lina seemed lost in the memory. She wasn't screaming, but her body shook as she wept silently, fear and guilt radiating off of her.

He knew better than to touch her, instead letting concern, warmth and love flow out while he spoke.

"You were only six, Lina. You didn't know what you could do. Even if we lived somewhere it was talked about, it's not supposed to be able to happen until puberty."

He was reaching her, slowly.

"And don't tell me you scarred anyone for life, except yourself," he continued. "Everyone on the continent felt that, someone must have come in and done a coverup, including healing."

The tears stopped but Lina's eyes were still haunted.

"Why didn't anyone tell you this *then*?" Nick demanded. "Suzanne just let you walk around with all that..."

Lina's hand was on his wrist before he could react, pulling him in again. What she showed him this time wasn't an actual memory, but a nightmarish mishmash of events. Comfort from people even as she sensed their underlying fear. Understanding that she had not caused irreparable damage... this time. That these things wouldn't happen again.. if she could learn to control herself. She had to learn control fast. Control of her emotions and control of her power. She could never let herself get that upset again. No more slips, no more cries of pain ringing in her ears. Daily training, training for hours; sheilds, blocks, never let it out, don't ever let anyone in.

_Don't you see?_ Lina whispered as he watched. _You're asking me to lose control._ The stink of burning flesh filled his nostrils again, but it was his own face he saw contorted in pain. _You're asking me to risk doing that to you._

She dropped the connection and waited.

"How long have you been carrying that around?" was the only thing he could think to ask.

"Since about the time you decided to stop hating me and let me teach you," she admitted quietly.

"It took you this long to tell me?"

Her fingers worked uselessly. "There was always some other reason we couldn't be together, temporary reasons that let us hope that someday... It was selfish, but I didn't want to lose you."

"Forever having the cake without eating it?"

Her own words, from that old fight with Suzanne. "Yeah."

He sighed and stood up. "I'm fucking tired of this."

"Yeah." The words pulled at her heartstrings, but she kept her tone neutral. Nick began pacing.

"No matter what I try, it's never good enough to get what I want. And this is it, isn't it?"

Lina closed her eyes, struggling for composure.

"There isn't a someday for this one. This is who you are. Why the hell did I have to fall for you?"

Statue. Statues don't cry, don't feel.

"This is a total no-win situation. Either I live my life without you, because we both know we can't do this halfway anymore, or I die for one moment of... everything." He stopped in his tracks and looked her. "Lina, say something."

"I can't," she admitted, willing her voice to be strong. "You have to decide this on your own. If I think *anything* I did swayed you either way..."

"Don't be stupid. This is about you as much as it's about me. Our whole nine years will sway me one way or another."

Lina didn't trust herself to say another word. Nick sighed and sat on the bed again.

"You were angry," he reasoned, half to himself. "You wanted something bad to happen. Isn't it possible..."

She shrugged wordlessly.

"I need to talk this out. I need a sounding board, and you can't be one right now can you?" At the slow shake of her head, he reached out to smooth her hair. "That took a lot out of you, and you're close to hysterical still, I can feel it. You should get some sleep. I'm going to find Alex, no, Brian."

She busied herself with replacing the pillows and getting under the sheets, until his voice entered her mind and froze her again.

_Come with me?_


	32. Chapter 32

It was probably the most unfair request she'd ever heard. He was tugging on her mind like a little kid wanting to wake his mum up to give her a Mother's Day present, gentle but still insistent. She was tired and upset and she needed him so badly... but he was asking her to come listen as he decided which way her heart was going to break. Worse, he was asking to her to return to the closeness she missed so much, probably for the last time. Lina looked into his eyes again and saw the pleading there. Twisted as it was, he needed the kind of comfort only she could give, even when she herself was the problem.

Nick closed his eyes in relief as Lina's presence flooded his mind. It was so good to have her where she belonged again - how could anyone ask him to give this up? All his senses came alive again as he shared them with her. His mind raced as many of the things she'd tried to keep from him entered his memory. For several reasons, he pushed them to the back of his mind for now, and felt her gratitude.

_I don't want you to do the same, love. Think about what you're learning. No matter what I decide, I need you to know it all._

He moved to tuck her now-sleeping body in carefully. He smoothed her hair and placed a kiss firmly on her forehead.

"I love you," he murmured quietly. "I just don't know if I love you *enough*."

_Enough to ask me to kill you?_

_Don't act like you want me to push you away. I know better._ Nick responded, heading for the door. And he did. When they were like this he knew her better than anyone, even when she was holding back bits of herself. She still was, bits that he could guess at, now that he knew the key. Thoughts and arguments and actions that all came so directly from that one truth, she had hidden them away as well.

_What are you going to tell him?_

The worst part of being merged with her was having someone who not only had the same thoughts as you (not *shared* the thoughts, this time anyway, but had separate identical thoughts) but also articulated them. He stood in front of Brian's hotel room, considering this.

_3...2...1_

The door opened and Brian nearly walked into him.

_So predictable._

Nick laughed with her and with Brian, until they were both steady on their feet again.

"Hey man, I thought you'd be stuck like glue to your ladyfriend today!" Brian said, then frowned. "She did say yes, right?"

"Yeah." _What do I say next?_

_Fuck if I know._

"So where is she?"

_Y'know, he's got an eye thing going on too. It's a boyband thing, I swear._

"Um, asleep?" But B-rok's "eye thing", which was really just one of those frank "you must tell me everything" gazes, got the whole truth. "And in here." He tapped his head.

"Really?" his eyes widened, and he stared at Nick for a moment, as if expecting to see Lina's face peering out from behind his eyes. Lina obliged him with one of the few tricks they could do to each other in this state - she turned his irises from blue to green and back again. "Uh... hello."

_Hi Frick. Can you just start this conversation and get it over with?_

Nick took a nanosecond to marvel at how relaxed she was, but as usual the information he needed swam into his consciousness as soon as he thought about it. Since Lina currently knew everything that was going on in his head, she'd realised his worries ran on pretty much the same tracks as hers, and that he wasn't going to allow her to be shut out of this decision. Plus, there was the simple fact that either of them had to work hard to keep a bad mood when they were merged. They spent so much time apart, it felt too good being almost whole again. Under normal circumstances, the first merge in almost three months would have them both euphoric.

Of course under normal circumstances there would never have been three months between merges. He sighed.

"Let me guess. It's not over yet, and you're turning to your good ol' Frick for a little advice?"

"Uh huh. Or well... sort of? You know me, I need to rant. If you think you can take the whole weird factor..."

"Why didn't you go to A.J. if you're worried about that? Or was he busy?" The words were said without malice but Nick and Lina winced together at the subtle effect that Nick's revelation of being psychic had on the group dynamic.

"I don't know. I go to him about random psychic stuff, mostly. This is... I need you for this, Frick."

"Well then, I'm here for ya." He was about to step back and usher Nick into his room when Nick noticed the gym bag in his hand.

"Where were you heading?"

"Mark found me a b-ball court. I was gonna ask A.J. if he wanted a workout. Figured you'd be busy with Lina.

"Would you be seriously disappointed if I said I wanted to play?"

"'Course not." Brian shot Nick another look. "This is that heavy, huh?"

"Uh huh. Come on, I'll grab my stufff."

* * *

He was a little freaked out by seeing Lina on the bed. "Is she...in there?" He took a hesitant step forward.

"Touch me and die, Rok." Lina mumbled without moving.

"Yeah she is," Nick responded, fishing clothing out of his suitcase. "It takes a lot of effort and concentration for us to share a brain, since we're not full partners. Usually one of us sleeps and visits the other. Less to deal with. But she's not braindead or anything."

"*Usually*?"

Nick zipped up his own gym bag. "We used to do it at least once a week." He grinned, "She jokes about being the silent partner in BSB."

"So she doesn't just know about things..."

"She was there for 'em. Some, anyway."

"That's... hard to wrap my head around. Especially after all the shit we've been through. To think that there was someone else in the room, listening, watching..."

"Applauding the second you barred the door that first night."

"Still."

Nick shrugged. His tone was light, his words simple. "She's a part of me."

Brian caught a flicker of annoyance. "Nick, I'm just saying..."

"That wasn't at you, it was at her."

"Vocalize?" he requested, using the term Mindi used to describe her own bad habit of speaking aloud as she 'pathed someone.

"I asked her to help me out. She doesn't want to." Nick rolled his eyes.

"Why not?"

"If you don't trust her, you'll argue with me more, say the stuff she can't make herself say."

"She wants me to..." Brian shook his head. "Don't tell me - it's complicated, right?"

Nick hefted his gym bag. "Told you I needed the b-ball. Let's go."

* * *

The two popstars engaged in a fast, fun, somewhat rough game of one-on-one until Brian's jump shot threw him off balance. His awkward landing knocked the wind out of him.

"Ouch," Nick commented sympathetically, waving off the bodyguards and helping him up.

"I'm...fine...really," Brian panted, shaken. "I'm... just.." Nick's hand was on his back and suddenly breathing was easy again.

"Let's sit down for a minute."

Since he was still a little shaky, Brian agreed. They sat on the court, watching Mark and Jimmy do battle at the other end of the court.

"That was you, right?" he asked idly.

"Yeah. I didn't really think about it. You okay with..."

"Sure." Brian waved it off. "I'd probably be more okay if you could do more stuff around us, get used to it faster. I'll be all right."

"Good." Nick sighed and raised a sheild. "I dunno if this would be easier or not if you were used to it, but..."

"Trouble in paradise?"

"It's never been paradise," was the laughing reply. "Our relationship is the most twisted thing in the history of the universe."

"And you like it that way?" Brian guessed.

"No... but twisted has always been better than nothing for us."

"What's the latest twist?"

"We're considering making it a full partnership."

"Making it... I thought you couldn't?"

"Oh we can, but it's always been against the rules till now."

"Startin' in the middle. Step back."

"Yeah, yeah," Nick sighed. "Um, a partnership doesn't just happen randomly. You don't wake up one day with someone else in your head."

_Unless you got *seriously* drunk the night before._

"Lina says: "Unless you got really drunk the night before.""

"Uh huh?"

"Some do happen really fast, but most take up to a year to go all the way."

_Nice choice of words._

_I know, I know._

"And then there's you guys."

"Yeah, but we're twisted, remember?"

"Riiight." Brian suddenly remembered something. "Bone said something... you said that you guys were different 'cause you live so far apart, it was hard to meet in real life." Nick nodded. "But if it's a psychic thing, what's the difference?"

"Um..." Nick played with the basketball. "It's not just a psychic thing. Full partnership means full - mental and physical."

"So...?"

"It's not a full partnership unless you have sex, okay?" Nick snapped, a little embarrassed.

"That's a *rule*?" Brian stared at him.

"It's a fact," he shrugged. "There are some sheilds you're barely even aware are up, ones you couldn't find to take down if you wanted to. Something about an orgasm...the mind loses control. If you're merged, you lose control of the merge and well... emerge all over again, into your partner's mind."

"This happens every time you have sex?"

"No, just if you're merged. Psychics who aren't often reach for the other person's mind...and people who are full partners already are so far merged it makes no difference."

"We're already at the I-don't-want-to-know stage... but... um..non-psychics?"

"Mandy?"

"Yeah."

"I heard a few things... once or twice. I tried really hard not to..."

_Ugh._

Nick shuddered with Lina. "That was a mess."

"Oh hell. Now I need to know... I don't want to but I need to know... what?"


	33. Chapter 33

_Lina..._

Nick's voice was raw and desperate in her head. She didn't feel pain, but he *needed* her. Without a second thought, she abandoned Jane Austen... and got caught in swirling, dark need. Nick clawed at her mind like a drowning man panicking against his saviour, drowning them both. She had a sudden urge to go to him *now*.

It took a colossal effort, but she pulled far enough away to think before he overwhelmed her. Immediately she knew what was going on and her stomach turned.

He was having sex with *her*. Images of exactly what they were doing flashed through the connection into her mind. She was going to be physically ill. It was another of those nights, nights where alcohol and Mandy's arrival on tour served to drown Nick's loneliness. Inevitably, when alcohol and sex mixed Nick couldn't keep his mind off Lina.

It would have been flattering, exciting, a small victory over the rival she had practically pushed Nick at, except for the images, textures, sounds, tastes that flooded her mind. It was a reminder of a fact she tried her very best to deny. The few other times it had happened, she had clued in before she got so close, been able to ignore it, relegate it to a separate part of her mind.

Tonight she'd been too distracted, his need too great... he was getting closer and she had to,

_ **NICK STOP!!!** _

He sobered up instantly, pushing away from Mandy in time. Horror and regret flooded at her, but she let the connection dwindle to almost nothing, fleeing his babbled apologies. She needed to be alone right now, alone with her loneliness and her tears.

* * *

"Okay, *stop* already."

"Sorry. Unfortunately, all the stuff you really don't want to know is the main part of my problem." Nick grinned as his friend groaned.

"Explain to me why your girlfriend is in your head while you're asking for sex advice?"

"I'm not, exactly. And I need her. I mean, the problem is... sort of... her, but she's still... having her with me is still the most comforting thing I know. And being with me is keeping her sane right now."

"Twisted."

"I said that already."

"Are we getting close to the part where you ask my advice?"

"Soon, o wise one. Still stuff you need to know."

"Hurry up."

"The problem is the emerging part. That's pretty literal, as far as we know. It's not usually a complete reliving of however each partner emerged, but it's pretty close. I started with... well, I basically yelled and woke up half the planet."

"That's going to be embarrassing."

"I'll live. Everyone on the Net****.."

"The CB radio thing?"

"Huh? Oh right." Nick had explained the Psychic Net**** to Brian as a sort of CB radio community, only telepathic. "Yeah, that. Pretty much everyone on there knows us anyway, so they'll know when it happens, if they hear or not."

"And I thought the media was bad."

"My embarrassment is so not the problem. The problem is how Lina emerged."

"Well?"

Lina cringed as Nick opened his mouth. "She set things on fire."

"You have a problem."

"She's terrified she's going to set *me* on fire."

Brian was speechless. He stared at Nick for a full two minutes before grabbing the basketball from him and taking shot after shot after shot. Ten minutes later Nick was still watching him.

"This isn't working." Brian announced suddenly. "Can we go somewhere I can really yell at you, without worrying you're going to drop a sheild?"

Nick nodded slowly. "Yeah." He got up, released the sheild and called over to the bodyguards. "Hey guys? Quitting time."

* * *

After leaving the Do Not Disturb sign on Brian's door and locking it, Nick teleported them both back to Florida, to his new house. Brian was so upset he barely registered the weird factor.

"Are you telling me you're thinking of *killing yourself* for her???"

_Yes._

"We're not really sure what will happen." Nick argued with both of them. "She was angry, she wanted to hurt people... she's not going to want to hurt me."

"But fire will be involved somehow?"

"Yes..."

"You're an idiot."

"Look, Frick, it's this or nothing. We're actually at the point where we had a reason to meet in real life, everyone knows we're attracted to each other, the only barrier to what we've wanted in forever is the chance I might get hurt. If we don't do it now... we nearly lost everything a few months ago, neither of us can go through something like that again. It's all or nothing. And I don't think I can take nothing." Nick kicked a spare box. "Try to understand."

"I don't want to understand! I don't want to understand that if you can convince yourself, I might not see you tomorrow."

"I know..."

"No you *don't*! I won't say "Yes, go risk your life for love." I love you too much, Nicky."

They were both crying by this point, yelling through the tears.

"So does she!"

_No I don't._

"What do you mean you don't? You made sure I knew about this, you're making me make the decision..."

_Isn't it obvious? I've already made mine._

"What's she saying? I want to know what she's..." Suddenly Brian grabbed Nick by the arms. "Come out here and say it to me!"

Lina loosened her hold on Nick's mind and teleported in, sitting on the floor. "I said I don't love him enough. I knew the risks, but I let him convince me, didn't I? I'm here, amn't I? I actually gave him the choice! If he says "Let's try it," I'm actually going to go through with it. I don't love him enough to stay away, to save him from me."

"Is that what you want?" Nick asked, suddenly quiet.

"I'll go with what you..."

"Tell me what you want!" he insisted.

"I don't want you to leave me."

Brian found himself back in his hotel room, alone and very afraid.


	34. Chapter 34

"I don't want you to leave me."

As he heard the words spoken, Nick accepted the decision he had already made. He sent Brian back to his hotel room and pulled Lina to her feet.

"I'm not going anywhere," he told her, wrapping his arms loosely about her waist. She pushed against him, but he refused to let go. She glared and teleported a few feet away.

"You don't *get* it Nick! If you die, I'll be just as alone!"

"A few days ago you were saying it would be better if I was dead," he pointed out calmly. Now that he knew what he was going to do, everything seemed to make perfect sense.

"Don't throw that back in my face!"

"Why not? " Nick pushed the button just a little harder. "You meant it, you know you did. And I said the same thing when I first found out you'd gone, or did you miss that part when you got caught up on my memories?"

She glossed over the verbal slap and concentrated on defending herself. "Wishing you were dead and wishing I'd killed you are..."

"The same thing." He watched the disbelief on her face. He wasn't supposed to say things like that. "You want me dead. Deep down, you can't forgive me for all my shit, and you know it. *That* is why you don't want to go through with it, because a tiny part of you *wants* me dead and you know you won't be able to control the impulse."

"You're lying." The idea infuriated her. An empty box shredded itself. He wondered how she could be so sure when they were still linked at some level. "You're standing there and *lying* to my face!"

"Am I? Come on! I *left* you. I couldn't break through a lousy mental block *Suzanne* put up?" Nick needled. He began dredging up everything he could think of. "I've slept around on you, I had a *girlfriend* for *years*! I only *really* started listening to you when it looked like you were gone forever, I've made you put up with every tantrum, every mood, you were my fucking shoulder to cry on anytime I ever broke up with another girl...and I when you presented me with this huge challenge, I actually had to think about it before saying "Yes, I love you that much." How can you not hate me somewhere deep down there? How do I know there's not *another* layer you're hiding from me for my own good?" He stepped back, a little, watching her boil. It was like being in the calm of the storm

"Because I love you, you dumbass!" Lina screamed. The house shook on its foundations and Nick knew it was about to work. "You've been trying to get me to *trust* you and now you turn around and say you think I want to murder you? Nickolas Gene Carter you are *fucked up*!" A poster on the wall behind her burst into flames.

"That was anti-climactic," he remarked dryly. He let it burn until Lina had turned around to see it, then stilled the flames. She stared at the damage she had caused.

"I lost it," she murmured. "I completely lost it. You *made* me lose it." Realisation dawned.

Nick approached her and put his hands on her shoulders. "You don't want to hurt me," he said softly. "You didn't even realise you were doing that but you didn't hit anywhere near me."

"Did you really think..." she wouldn't turn around to meet his eyes, wouldn't risk finding out telepathically.

"It was a tiny fear," he admitted. He couldn't have pushed her buttons so well if it had been a lie. "You're the master of repression and who knows that better than me? And you know sometimes I think of all the crap you put up with and wonder why you don't hate me."

"But you still wanted to go through with it?"

He turned her around, forcing her to hold his gaze, and diving deep into her mind, reinforcing the truth of his answer. "Yes."

"Martyr." She studied Nick for a moment."I'm still scared."

"Me too." He didn't question the lack of telepathy - the spoken words seemed to fill a gap.

This time it was her arms snaking around his waist. "I love you."

"I know," silently acknowledging it was the first time she'd really said it to him and how much it meant to both of them. "I love you too."

"It's not necessarily going to stop me from bringing the house down on top of both of us..." she laughed nervously.

"We'll think of something." He pulled her a little closer.

"You really think we can do this?"

"I'm nuts, I know." Decided to push one more button. "You do too. You've dreamt about it."

"That doesn't count..."

"Admit it," he bent and whispered in her ear. "You never really gave up on us."

"You know," her voice was soft, her breath tickling his neck, "you're going to be even more annoying when you're in my head all the time."

They stood that way for entire minutes, just breathing. Inhaling each other, saying volumes beyond words, holding on to each other mentally and physically as if it was the first time they'd touched. For the first time there was no hidden fear, no looming shadow. The fear was present, and shared, and diminished. The love was there with it,out in the open and finally undeniable. Time stopped.

And then Nick sighed.

_We have to think about this._ Lina said for him. _It sucks, but we actually have to plan this_

_Let me?_

_You have an idea?_

_Don't ask! I never get to surprise you again._

_Huge loss, I'm sure. You need me to go?_

_Go home for a while. Try not to listen in. I'll come get you._

_You realise it's the middle of the afternoon?_

_Like it matters?_ His eyes burned into hers again and she conceded the point.

* * *

As soon as Lina had disappeared, Nick took himself off to California.

Before the store could even come fully into focus, the bluster of an old man's voice came to Nick's ears.

"Who the hell's that?" an old black man exploded, emerging from the back of the tiny shop.

"Nice to see you too, Sebastien."

"Nick, as I live and breathe! You are the *last* person I'd expect in this dingy old place." His brown eyes twinkled. "Last I heard, you and your ladyfriend were gettin' yourself into trouble in Canada."

"We're always in trouble," Nick pointed out with a shrug. It was true too - the most powerful psychics either attracted trouble or got pulled in to help others in *their* trouble.

"Well?" Sebastien asked in conspiratorial fashion. "I can see you ain't done it yet, but are you close?"

"That's why I'm here," Nick admitted. "I need some help."

"I don't think a love charm is going to work on the likes of her." Sebastien owned a magick shop. Occasionally he could be called on for supplies when working on some project or other.

"I don't need a love charm!" Nick laughed. "I need candles. And advice."

"Got both of *those* in plenty. Let me get the candles and then we'll see about advice. Anything in particular in mind?"

"Um... pillar candles?" he thought about the room he had in mind. "Forty or fifty, maybe?"

"Box of pillar candles." They appeared on the counter, having been whisked up from downstairs. "I guessed vanilla."

"You didn't guess anything." Vanilla was Lina's favourite scent and Nick had been considering getting scented candles.

"True enough. Should I ring this up, or will the advice include more purchases?"

"It might. Tell me, Sebastien... what can you make with fire?"

* * *

Lina decided not to go home. There weren't enough distractions, she'd only be sitting and waiting. Instead, after a side trip to get "my last meal", she settled herself on a bench in one of her favourite places.

It had been a ravine before she was born. The city had sold it to developers on the condition that original rocks and plants be used in the landscaping. So, with her back to the resulting condominiums, Lina sat in the shade of an ancient weeping willow, watching a duck swim past the waterfall. If she listened very carefully, she could hear the traffic from the street above, but she preferred not to listen.

_Remember the first time I brought you here?_

* * *

Lina sighed and teleported into Nick's backyard, ready for another fight. It had been two weeks since his emergence and he still resisted the idea of learning. The moment she arrived, she knew today was going to be different. Nick was waiting for her.

"I'm sick of this," he announced. "I got chains on me all the time. What c'n I do, if you take 'em off?"

"You really want to know?" she grinned. At his hesitant nod, she took his hand. "Okay then."

She pulled him with her to the condos down the street from her house. He shook his head a little, as if clearing water from his ears.

"Where are we?"

"My neighbourhood." She sat down on the bench. "Toronto."

"How far..."

She pulled an atlas out of a bookcase in her house and into her hands, ignoring the young boy's surprise. After a moment, she found the map of North America. "You're about there. I'm up here. It's five or six hours by plane."

"You're not even breathing hard!"

"I'm not standing, either," she pointed out. "But yes, I'll be okay in a minute or two."

"And psychics can..."

"Not all psychics. But you can learn - you've got enough power. That's why you're stuck with me instead of someone local."

"Cool!" For the first time since she'd met him, Lina saw Nick Carter smile.

* * *

_I got addicted to those real fast._

As she pulled herself out of the memory, Lina witnessed another of those smiles as Nick stood before her. It was different from the first, gentle, a little tentative. She matched it and stood up.

_Guess it's time?_


	35. Chapter 35

It was hard not to feel awkward, knowing they'd both decided they had to have sex by the end of the night.

"It's kind of cheesy," Nick admitted, opening the door.

"Oh?" Lina looked into the room and swallowed hard. "Oh," her voice squeaked.

Nick's house was built into a hill, so even though they were in the basement, the late afternoon sunlight flooded the small room through sliding glass doors. It warmed the sand covering the flagstone floor and reflected off the bubbling water of the hot tub.

"I'm going to boil us alive?" she managed to joke nervously as Nick led her into the room.

"Well, I thought ice water might kill the mood." Nick smiled a little. "But it *is* water - it might help."

"Yeah. although... candles?" Lina suddenly noticed the ring of candles around the tub's edge. She turned, taking in the second ring around the room's perimeter. "Isn't that worse?"

"Not if we don't light 'em."

"Huh?"

"Okay, you're *way* too nervous," Nick concluded. "You're not thinking." He traced a finger down her spine, " Plus, you're tense."

Lina shivered at his touch. "I thought that was the point?"

"Making you tense?" He stepped closer, his hand slowly rubbing the small of her back. "Not in my plans."

Lina felt the heat of his palm through her top and inwardly cursed the conditioning that had her, even now, struggling to control and conceal her response to his touch, his closeness.

A tendril of reassurance slid through her mind, helping her to relax a little. Nick knew these things, and he'd help her get over them. She felt his chin on her shoulder. "Want to get into the tub?" he suggested. "Just you, for now. Relax a little."

She shivered out of discomfort this time, looking at the water in the middle of the room. "I'm a little afraid of it," she admitted in a low voice. "It's just...waiting for me. A big mouth, waiting to swallow us up."

"I don't remember you feeling that way the last time we shared a jacuzzi," he teased, remembering an early morning in a hotel. He'd had a hard show, and she'd worn herself out in a rescue effort that happened to be in the area. They'd both been so relieved by the therapeutic pool, they'd barely spoken.

"Actually, it was kind of similar," she mused and felt him simutaneously press closer to her and venture further into her mind.

While they shared the perfect recall characteristic of all psychics, it didn't prevent either of them from having to work to remember things. Nick recalled sounds and images most easily - Lina remembered touch.

As they examined the memory, Nick could feel the hot water against her skin, the soothing jets healing bruised muscles, relaxing her body, letting her mind drift until she imagined strong, supple hands in place of the jets of water. Suddenly she realised she was in a jacuzzi with him and his guard was down, and so had hers been, and what if he touched her, by accident, a hand or a leg sliding across her skin...

"_You would have frozen,_" he murmured, letting his hand drift from her back to the warm flesh of her stomach, stroking her slowly.

"_Maybe not. I always wondered what I'd do if you'd tried something before my guard went up._" She was paging through her memories of all the close calls now, that one being one of the least dangerous. They hadn't even touched. Not like they were touching now.

"_Guess we'll never know._" He teleported her shoes and socks out of the room and was rewarded with a giggle as her bare toes sank into the sun-warmed sand. He reached in deeper, feeling the warm grains move between her toes as if they were his own.

"_Since you're so curious..._" His footwear disappeared. He laughed, enveloping her in a bear hug from behind. She put her arms on top of his, holding him close. Nick smiled, now really feeling like her boyfriend.

Lina had wormed her way deeper into his mind as she snuggled into his embrace.

"_I wish we had time to enjoy it first._"

"_Yeah._"

They stood there for a long moment, rocking together unconsciously, each trying to reassure the other and establish that the moment was real. The pool cast a shadow over their thoughts, distracting them both. Finally, Nick gave up.

"_Come here._" He walked Lina forward, not letting her go for a moment. "_Sit down._" She sat crosslegged at the edge, sheilded from the water by the ring of candles. He sat beside her, an arm around her waist. Moving a few candles, he stretched out a leg and dipped his toes in the warm, bubbling water.

"_It's *your* element, Nickelodeon. Of course you're not scared of it._"

"_It means the same thing to both of us,_" he argued. "_A new beginning._"

"_An end?_"

"_Sure,_" he agreed, acknowledging the doubts that still hovered. "_But it's time._" He edged forward until he was sitting right on the edge, his legs in the water up to his knees. He still kept a hand on Lina's knee, unwilling to stop touching her even for a second.

"_Jeans, sweetie._"

"_I *know*,_" he smiled, gazing at her intently, pulling her deeper into him until she could feel the wet, heavy, warm denim clinging to his skin. "_Like it?_"

_This is the most bizarre seduction in the history of the universe._ She rested her hand on top of his, exploring it for a moment, wondering at the way she could feel his reactions to her touch as intensely as her own to his. _But oddly, I do._

She leaned forward to kiss him and Nick met her halfway. The moment their lips touched, they each felt every jolt of electricity the kiss sparked in the other's body. Nick had just enough presence of mind to realise Lina was sitting precariously and pushed her back into the sand as their need for one another, repressed far too long, swirled up and enveloped them both, erasing any further thought.

Somehow they both managed to slide into the water, and somewhere along the way their clothes ended up on the bottom of the hot tub, but they were barely conscious of how it happened. So many years of sharing memories had given the partners a completely instinctual knowledge of each others' bodies. Every touch served to deepen their connection, heighten their mental and physical awareness of each other until the only barrier between their souls seemed to be their separate bodies. They clung to each other desperately trying to get closer, acting completely on instinct,unaware of anything else, including the rising temperature in the room around them. As her climax overtook her, Lina wasn't sure if the explosion she felt was literal or not. She certainly felt like she was dying, so tangled up in Nick that there was no way she'd ever find her old solitary self again. She didn't care - she was dying whole.

It was Nick who finally assured her they had lived through it. "_Look,_" he prodded. She peered out at the room, now beginning to dim as dusk descended. They both took a moment to get over the fact that she instinctively used his eyes instead of her own. The floor was glowing a dark orange.

_You're so brilliant._ Lina sighed, not even needing to consciously check his memories to figure out what had happened. _Creation instead of destruction. Remind me to thank Sebastien, too._

_It's an innovative way of interior decorating,_ Nick agreed, watching the sand and ash mix Sebastien had sold him cool slowly into a form of raw glass. _If we can consciously do that again, I want to try the bathroom._

_I know._

_Shut up. _

_I ruined the candles,_ she observed, noting piles of melted wax that had heated from the bottom up, so that they had never actually been lit.

_Thank you Captain Obvious_.

_It is I, Captain Vegetable, with my carrot..._ they chorused as Nick evoked Lina's old Sesame Street earworm.

_Are we ever going to speak again?_ Lina wondered, laughing.

_Sure we are._ Nick answered, knowing she already knew the answer._For the important stuff._

_Like_ "I love you" _?_

_Yeah. I think_ "I love you" _needs to be said a lot. What about..._

She knew all of his thoughts as soon as he did now, so it wasn't a surprise, but Lina took a moment to let the idea wash over her, to consciously bask in the love of her student, her friend, her partner and her lover before she let him say it aloud, and then she said it with him.

"Marry me?"


	36. Epilogue

Dear Diary,

It's me - I'm back again. Needed something to focus on for a while, need to think.

Well, it's over and it's just beginning. Listen to me, I sound like a bad novel. I can't help it. Nothing's the same and nothing's changed, all at once. It's confusing, definitely weird and a little scary.

Scariest is the question, "What happens next?". Nick's talking to the guys right now - they're all pretty upset and confused. I think they're going to end up deeply suspicious of me. Nick says we'll work through it. We will. They care about him, so do I. End of story.

Our families - completely different story. The Carter kids will be easiest. They've always had their suspicions and with the twins ready to emerge any day now, we'll end up telling the other two anyway. Leslie will put me through hoops to make sure I'm worthy of Nick. Neither of us are entirely sure B.J.'s gonna believe us. The parental units...

Gotta say, I'm glad there's no reason to tell my parents. They're going to take forever just adjusting to the idea of Nick, especially Dad. Changing their world view is not something I want to bother with right now. It means a lot of lying and sneaking around, but last time I checked that wasn't anything new for me. Sadly, I'm good at it.

Brian wants to know where I am. Guess he's going to forgive me for scaring the daylights out of him... eventually. I'm so glad - he is Nick's best friend and things have been tough for them since Nick came out. Hopefully I can help smooth things out instead of alienating them further from each other. In a weird way, he's my best friend too, as Nick points out. With his memories come all his emotional ties. I couldn't survive without those guys any better than Nick could. They're closer than either of our families.

Speaking of whom...we're going to have to work hard on a game plan for Nick's parents. Aaron's heavily supervised, young prince of pop that he is, and it's highly unlikely that they won't clue in fast. Nick's already talked to lawyers about the likelyhood of winning a custody battle for the twins, but we're hoping it won't get *that* bad. Fact is, they'll probably take most of it out on yours truly. That idea doesn't seem to cheer him up much.

Then there's the whole rest of our lives. Nick proposed, (ass-backwards as that is... like we were going to marry anyone ELSE after that? But sometimes you gotta say it out loud) but we won't even be able to ring shop until he's at least met my parents... and maybe dated for a few months... waiting game. I thought the waiting, being away from each other would be easier once we were so close on all the other levels. Very, very wrong. He's been in there for half an hour and I'm already missing him. Considering that Kevin is *still* ranting about me, I don't think now is a good time to pop in for a hug.

I suppose it would sound odd to some people if I said that the easiest solution would be for me to just drop everything and hop on the tour bus. Most of my life is so tied to the psychic community, I don't have any other career goals and I'm not very tied to any one place. Surrounded by people who know what's going on, with him constantly... it would make my life so much easier. No more unexplained days off work. No more "must go home, my parents think I'm still in Toronto".

Of course the press wouldn't buy the love-at-first-sight idea. Neither would my parents. Or the fans. And right now the guys wouldn't look too kindly on my presence 24-7 either. So, waiting again. Dammit.

* * *

There was a tentative knock on the door. Lina snapped her notebook shut and unlocked the door telekinetically. _C'mon in Alex._

She heard the door shut behind him, followed by a long silence. Finally she sat up. "Yes?"

"Do you know what you two sound like?" A.J. asked, his eyes huge with wonder. "You sound exactly the same. If I close my eyes, it could be Nick sitting there, I couldn't tell."

"There are differences," she assured him. "You'll notice eventually."

The silence stretched again until Lina was tempted to just reach in and drag it out of him. Finally he spoke again. "You two scared the crap out of all of us."

"I know." To the others she might apologize. To a fellow psychic, there wasn't any point.

"It's going to take 'em some time. Specially Kevin."

Lina nodded. She knew all this, she'd heard the whole conversation, was still hearing it as Brian restrained Nick from going after Kevin with his fists.

"I just came to say... fuck 'em all."

She blinked. "Come again?"

"I don't like what you did, but I can't deny you *had* to. The results are staring me in the face." A.J. scuffed at the carpet. "I don't know what I'd do to get a chance at what you guys have now." He sighed and lifted his head to face her. "Fuck 'em. Fuck the press, fuck the guys, fuck the fans... anyone else who might say dumb stuff. Go pack. He's been away from you too long already."

Nick was so startled he lost track of what he was saying. Lina saw the confused looks on the others' faces as he asked, "Really?"

A.J. stared for a moment, hearing Nick's voice out of Lina's throat. "Uh... yeah."

"You're a hopeless romantic, Alex," Lina laughed. "It's not that easy."

"Why not?" he argued. "Nick's got the money, and no one's going to deny him, even if they think it's some crazy rock star whim."

"My parents..."

"Will get over it."

"Kevin..."

"Is being overprotective. I'm willing to bet you can be even worse with Nick than he is. Once he sees that he'll come around."

_Please?_

_Dammit. I can't say no to you, Nickelodeon, not today._

_Please?_ he repeated, completely aware of the truth in her statement.

Lina closed her eyes, biting her lip as she thought of all the crap that was about to hit the fan. Finally she nodded. "_We've waited long enough._"


End file.
